St. Patrick’s Day……….According to Toque

Right off of Valentine’s, another pseudo-holiday approaches: St. Patrick’s Day. It is arguable that if Valentine’s is exclusively for couples, then St. Patrick’s Day is exclusively for singles. This is because it is a night to dress up, go out and mingle. Anyone holding a drink or wearing green is fair game—it’s the one night a year we wear signs and clothing inviting people to kiss us based on our ethnicity. This all points to a sexy single having a better night out than a constricted couple. That’s not to say someone in a relationship won’t have fun on St. Patrick’s Day—they just have to remain a little more vigilant. Otherwise, don’t be mad at me if I kiss your boyfriend—his t-shirt told me to.

There’s another key difference between Valentine’s and St. Patrick’s Day that I would like to point out. And that is, simply. I like St. Patrick’s Day better. Much better. It’s one of my favourite fake holidays. And I feel a little protective of it. I don’t like to see it disrespected, or defiled. When certain people do not act appropriately it can potentially ruin the night for everyone else. Now, in my infinite feline patience, I understand that some of you don’t realize when you’re ruining someone else’s night—perhaps you have no self awareness or you were simply raised poorly—so I thought maybe I could help. I can offer you tips on how to behave on a pub night as big as St. Patrick’s Day so you can wake up March 18th with your self-respect, friendships and underwear, intact.

Tip # 1 Fake it. Not everyone in the whole wide world is Irish. Obviously. But everyone in the whole wide world is Irish on March 17^th. And everybody knows this. From midnight to midnight on that day when you are asked if you are Irish, the correct answer is a resounding YES. Forget blondes, it’s the Irish that are having more fun. If in fun you want to partake, then it’s Irish style you’ll need to fake.

Tip # 2 If you’re drinking, know your limit. For everyone it’s different, but I say if you’re old enough to go out drinking, then you should be old enough to know when you need to STOP drinking. For most the limit is somewhere between hugging strangers and topless table dancing. Don’t lose count of how many drinks you’ve had. That’s where the problem starts. 

Tip # 3 Have a designated driver. To offer to be the designated driver on St. Patrick’s Day is a most noble gesture. To forego drinking to make sure your friends get home safe makes you a hero in my books (and cats don’t take hero-worship lightly!). Mostly though, this responsibility isn’t offered up. Mostly it’s whoever draws the short straw or loses the last round of “Rock Paper Scissors”. No matter how you decide who will be your hero of the night the important thing is that someone does play hero. Or, you need to set aside bus or cab fare (maybe in your sock?) so you don’t accidentally spend it on green jell-o shots. Because, Honey, you are going to be drinking WAY too much to worry about getting your drunk ass home. Unless you draw the short straw. Then you’re drinking water.

Tip # 4 Choose shoes you can actually wear. There are two things to consider when choosing your shoes for the night. The first is you need to be able to wear them until the end of the night. There are few sights in this world trashier than a girl walking down the street, barefoot, shoes in one hand and a street vendor hotdog in the other. Please don’t think I’m being a hater. I am speaking from experience. If you really want to wear the shoes but are not confident you can last the night in them, then the next best thing is to tuck a little pair of flats in your purse. The second thing to consider when choosing shoes is that you need to be able to walk in them. Not just walk, but drunk walk. Don’t think you can rely on your friends to lean on—they’ll be drunk too! Except the friend who drew the short straw. But, as the only sober one, she’ll be so annoyed with you by the end of the night chances are she’s not going to help you hobble down the street either.

Tip # 5 Learn some traditional Irish ditties. And then, when they are played at the pub, SING THEM. Sing your Irish heart out. Don’t hold back. Drinking and singing is what being Irish for a day is all about.

Tip # 6 Wear green. Honestly? On St. Patrick’s Day? Wear. Green. Even if you HATE green, wear it. Because it’s freakin’ St. Patrick’s Day. And on this very sacred day, no one likes that douche that refuses to wear at least some green. You know why? Come on, that guy’s a douche.

Tip # 7 Don’t wear TOO MUCH green. On the opposite end of the emerald scale, there are those that go out head to toe in green. And maybe their hair has been dyed for the occasion. And their face has been painted up like the Wicked Witch of the West. These people have no life. Don’t be these people.

Tip # 8 Confidence. No matter how you choose to ring in March 17^th, make sure you have the utmost confidence in yourself, your Irish-ness and your very green-ness. For help with that look to your feline roommate. She is confident in her green-ness all year round. Her eyes hold a glint of an Irish rogue and her purr holds the rhythm of an Irish tune. Embrace this in yourself, and you won’t have to look to the end of a rainbow for a pot of gold—you won’t have to! Because guys are going to be buying you drinks all night long.

Unless you draw the short straw.

Happy St. Paddy’s Day!

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥

Hard Work…...According to Toque

I know in the non-feline community there is an old adage that hard work pays off in the end. There are many parables and fables to illustrate this. One in particular that comes to mind is the story of the ant and the grasshopper. In Aesop’s classic fable the ant spends the warm months of the year hard at work both harvesting and storing his food. Meanwhile the grasshopper procrastinates and spends his summer vacation taking long naps and strumming his guitar (sometimes a mandolin). As predicted, when the cold season arrives the ant has everything he needs to survive and the grasshopper does not, in some versions starving to death. I think in more modern spins the grasshopper ends up dealing with a gambling problem and treating an STD. And he loses custody of his kids. Come to think of it, this fable may have morphed into a cautionary tale against dating musicians.

            But I digress.

            The story teaches that hard work comes with rewards and idleness comes with consequences. It’s often used in childhood education and a version of it exists in most languages, especially the romantic ones. Well, I would like to offer you a different story:

The Dog and the Cat

By: Toque

Once upon a time there was a dog and a cat. The dog was a very hard worker, the cat……not so much. The dog considered himself the security guard of the home, and took his post very seriously. The cat considered herself the boss and expected others to take her post seriously. The dog worked hard at learning new tricks in the hopes of getting treats. The cat awoke from naps and got treats. The dog brought humans slippers and newspapers in exchange for belly rubs. The humans knew better than to touch the cat’s belly, but if the cat desired, she got a scratch under the chin. The dog was trained to go to the bathroom outside. The cat trained the humans to pick up after her inside.  No matter how well behaved he was, the dog was routinely told to stay off the couch. The cat used the couch as her scratching post. The dog patiently waited everyday for dinner time; the cat let people know when it was dinner time. And at dinner time the dog was chastised for anything that even remotely resembled “begging”. The cat, on the other hand, was always offered some of what everyone else was eating—as long as she sat quietly and feigned disinterest.

At the end of a long day the dog was given a “doggy bed” to curl up in, while the humans pretzeled themselves around the cat in the “human bed”.

Moral of the story? Work smart, Kittens, not hard. Find what you’re good at and exploit it. Cats just happen to be good at being cats—a dog may try but he can never compare.

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥

Going Fishing…..According to Toque

Kittens, you already know my opinion of choosing a mate and pairing up: there are plenty of fish in the sea, so feast and move on!  But I know that some of you out there are still looking for that one special fish, to fall in love and grow old with. To this I say: have you ever met a fish? Like really made the acquaintance of one? Because they are gross. Their lips are cold, their eyes are always off to the side and wondering and you can never be sure if they’re with you because they truly love you or because you’ve trapped them in a bowl, so to speak. I always have the feeling with some fish that as soon as you let them out of their bowl, for any reason, they’re going to swim away. As a cat I don’t really see the point in keeping a fish in a bowl anyway—bowls are for eating out of. Which brings me back to my first point: FEAST AND MOVE ON.

Still, if this is the kind of relationship you are looking for (a damp one, I guess) then I thought I could help you out. You see, Kittens, you have to ensure you are meeting the right kind of fish for you, so you need to know how to navigate in the different ponds. With this, at least, I can point you in the right direction.

I am only going to mention the main ones, but there are A LOT of ponds out there. So read the following carefully, and don’t tread any water.

Pond # 1: A Coffee Shop. When you see your target in a coffee shop then the first thing we know right off the bat is: he likes coffee. He likes to stay awake during the day. Possibly to be productive in some way. Good!--this is good. The first thing you want to do is see what he’s doing while he drinks his coffee. Now, if he’s reading a book, or the newspaper then HELLZ YES go for it. Book smarts is crazy sexy. He’s probably more interesting then he looks, and also, chances are he’ll be able to teach you things, like why factory farming is bad and what the heck is going on in North Korea (like, what is going on with those guys?). If he’s listening to his ipod, talking on his phone or trying to make polite conversation with strangers then steer clear of him. This guy isn’t content with his own company, so if you bag this fish you probably won’t get any alone time either. Also, this guy is addicted to white noise, so chances are he is addicted to other things as well. I’m not necessarily talking about drugs here, I’m more talking about TV, video games and…..porn.

Now, if he’s on his laptop you’re going to want to go in “yellow light” mode. There are two ways this could go down. You see, the open laptop at the coffee shop doesn’t carry the same stigma that it did before. For example, that laptop could be his paper-less newspaper. Maybe he just cares about trees. Don’t you want to date that guy?

The best thing to do would be to try and casually look over his shoulder to actually see what he’s doing on his laptop. If he’s catching up on world news, it’s a go. If he’s online shopping for Star Wars paraphernalia then you can assume this guy is riding it out in a coffee shop because his mom kicked him out of the basement for awhile. Probably because she was sick of all the Star Wars paraphernalia. And rightly so. Now, be warned, Star Wars guy can sometimes have a boyish charm that is almost sweet but TRUST ME, it doesn’t last.

Throw this fish back.

How to bag the coffee drinker: Buy him a coffee, set it down in front of him and say “You look so engrossed in what you’re reading; I thought your coffee could use a top up. I hope it’s a good book?” and then let him tell you why it’s a good book. If he’s reading the paper, say “I hope you’re reading good news….?” If he’s reading world news then no, he’s not reading good news. But don’t worry, he’ll find your optimism and slight naiveté endearing.

Pond # 2: HMV (or any music/entertainment store). When casting your net out in one of these places it is very important to pay attention to not just where your target is browsing but to what he is browsing. This is the perfect opportunity to make sure your interests mesh. Is he in the science-fiction area? Does sci-fi bore you to tears? Ba-bye! For a similar catch as the reader in the coffee shop, hang around the documentary aisle, the world/foreign language aisle and the British Television aisle. Yes, I said British Telly. TRUST ME, if he can watch those sitcoms and understand what is going on enough to see the humour, he’s smart. And what did we say about smart? Sexy. See also: book store.

 (WARNING: some guys hang around these aisles to try and impress women. Make sure he knows what he’s looking at before you reel him in).

Pay attention to the guy browsing the same kinds of shows you’re interested in (well, mostly—if he’s looking at Gossip Girl don’t get too excited, check to see if he’s with his boyfriend first).

How to bag the DVD watcher: Look to see what he’s holding. Then go find all the other DVD copies of what he’s holding in the entire store and hide them (tip: no one looks in world music). Once every other copy is out of sight walk up to him and say something like “Please don’t tell me that’s the last copy of Fill in Blank! I’ve been looking everywhere for that!” When the two of you confirm that he is indeed holding the last visible copy, say coyly “Uh oh, we may have to share this one.” If you’re worried this is too forward, don’t be. Come on!—you didn’t wear your super cute outfit for DVD shopping, you wore it for fishing! He’s going to take one look at you and….yeah, he’s gonna share.

Pond # 3: The Grocery Store. This is becoming a popular hot spot for hopeful singles. I think it’s because single people, who live alone they….well they like to eat food. If they’ve given up then they’re going to be eating a lot of pizza, burgers and such but if they’re still hopeful then they’re going to be eating real food, and that’s where the grocery store comes in.

When targeting a man in the grocery store you’re going to first want to see what he’s shopping for. If he’s hanging around the chip and candy aisle then steer clear. Chips and candy for a lone shopper is just an extension of pizza and burgers. This guy probably wants a girlfriend but TRUST ME, he’s not going to know what to do with one. Check out the guy who seems to know his way around the produce aisle. This guy is a healthy eater and there’s a very good chance he knows how to cook. Especially if he’s buying things like cilantro, avocado and eggplant (although for some of these items check again to make sure he doesn’t have a boyfriend with him). The more adventurous his produce choices, the more I say HELLZ YES. Plus, guys who eat a lot of fruit taste better when you…..kiss them. Because, um, their breath is better…….ANYWAYS…..

How to bag the healthy eater: Watch to see what he picks out, then walk up to him and say “Oh my gosh! I actually have never tried cooking with Fill in Blank before but I would love to try--do you have a good recipe?” Tell him if he shows you his, you’ll show him your…..stuffed pepper recipe. Don’t worry if you don’t have any recipes to swap—I mean, how hard can it be to stuff a pepper?

Pond # 4: The office. As you can imagine, this is a tricky one. I wasn’t even sure if I should include it but there are enough stories of successful office romances out there that I thought it was a credible pond worth mentioning. So here it goes: fishing in the office.

When targeting a co-worker it is important to take a few things into consideration. Mainly, their position in the company, their salary and where they are physically in the office. Their position matters because it is never a good idea to start dating your boss, manager, supervisor etc. There is a power struggle there that too often spills over into the relationship.  Unless you are his boss in some way. I find if you’re above him then it isn’t really a problem….for you. You have to take their salary into consideration for a lot of the same reasons as considering their position. You want your salaries to be as equal as possible, so that you don’t feel as bad when he pays for all your dates. And finally, you want to consider where he physically resides in the office. Does he sit right beside you? If so then you probably want to throw this fish back, because there are only two ways this can end. One: you break up and you still have to see his face EVERY FUCKING DAY. Two: you get married and you have to see his face twice EVERY FUCKING DAY—once at the office and again at home. **shudder** Different department office romances work best, preferably on different floors. Or in different buildings.

How to bag your co-worker:  You both work in the same place, so you probably already have something in common: you’re both overworked, underpaid and underappreciated. Men like to be built up and tend to identify themselves with their job. So all you have to do is go up to him and say “Hey, good job on that whatever project he worked on. You must be moving up around here if they trusted you with that. I’d love to pick your brain on the whatever big project is coming up next” OR “I’d love to work with you on whatever project you’re working on now.” Flattery and inputting an excuse to spend more time with him—it’s a two for one.

Pond # 5: The Animal Shelter. I understand that some dogs and cats stay in a, sort of, co-op type of accommodations when they don’t have a room mate. I say “co-op” because these establishments rely heavily on donations and volunteers to keep their charges’ quality of life up to par. I think this is a great place to go fishing because no matter what he’s doing there he’s a good catch: is he there looking for a new room mate? CATCH! Is he there volunteering? CATCH! Is he there working with the shelter’s occupants? CATCH! Is he a veterinarian? CAAAAATCH! It’s hard to go wrong with this one.

How to bag the animal lover: This one’s a no-brainer! Just go up to him and start bragging about your feline room mate. From her you’ll have a plethora of conversation starters and he’ll be impressed you keep such sophisticated company. It’s not hard to impress people once you’ve revealed you share your living space with a cat. People are naturally impressed by this. Soooooo if you currently do not share your home with a cat, don’t you think it’s time you did? And if you’re worried or jealous that once you bag your fish and carry him home your feline room mate will get her claws in him, OH HONEY, PLEASE.  You and she are fishing in COMPLETELY different ponds, looking for a completely different catch. So no worries.

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥

  

Break-Ups……….According to Toque

Break-ups are messy at the best of times. I’ve broken more than a few hearts so I would know. The thing about break-ups is: they’re always messy, they’re always a long time coming and they’re rarely mutual. Yet, if you were paying attention during the relationship you would realize they’re also always mutual. Do you see what I mean?

Break-ups are always mutual because if you’re smart you usually know when it’s time to end things, when inevitably things will end and when the end is over due. If you can remember this then it may help the mourning period go a little faster, a little smoother and little easier……….on your friends.

Still, no matter how much you know the break-up was for the best, sometimes the transition from a relationship to the single life is a difficult one. Although, as a cat, I’ve never experienced a break-up I didn’t get over in an afternoon, I understand that for you guys, a break-up works slightly differently. I thought since I’ve never come across a break-up I couldn’t whip into shape I would share some insight and offer some tips on how to get through this difficult time quickly and efficiently, so you can start reaping the benefits of the break-up. Mainly, your new and improved single status……

Tip # 1: Go ahead and cry. You might be surprised I am offering this as a tip since cats are notoriously dry eyed. But, again, I understand humans work slightly differently and during times of turmoil you guys like to empty out your tear ducts into tissues/hankies/sleeves. It may be that you really do need to just sit down and have a good cry, so why not? It’s better to get it out and over with. I find the longer you put it off the worse it can be. If you let it out ASAP you may only waste, like, an afternoon on it. If you wait and hold it all in, then when it does come pouring out you could lose your whole weekend to it. And you do NOT want to lose your first weekend as a single girl on any blubbering, trust me. If you successfully hold it in through the weekend, however, then come Momday……You’re only human (and I feel bad about that, I do) so there’s no stopping it. Just grab some tissues, set aside some time, hunker down and get ‘er done!

Tip # 2: This is no time for carbs! This isn’t a rom-com where you need a quick montage of you sitting around, eating ice cream out of the tub, ordering an extra large pizza for yourself and sucking whip cream from the can. This is REAL life—take it from a blogging cat! And in real life all those carbs go straight to your ass! I know break-ups are hard but they are no excuse for junk food and booze. In fact, there never was a better excuse for fruits and vegetables, antioxidants and exercise. After all, if you are modeling your life after rom-coms then you already know: you WILL run into your ex when you least expect it. So start prepping NOW.

Tip # 3: Recruit your friends. No woman is an island. You’re going to want your friends there to get you through the worst of it. Obviously you don’t want them there for the crying part—gross—but for everything else friends can prove quite useful. They can help you forget the person you just broke up with. How do they do this? Simple. By helping you remember. Your friends are there to remind you what a bone-head he was. How he didn’t know how to dress. How he wore his hair weird. How he wasn’t even that good in bed (isn’t it funny how post- break-up he was NEVER that good in bed?). Without your friends there berating you with his many many many faults you may delude yourself into thinking you miss something about him. Left to your own devices you may start remembering that one time, maybe a week into the relationship, he did something random, like bring you flowers or something equally cheesy. You need your friends to remind you that random acts of kindness, a relationship does not make! If you have no friends then please see Janet Jackson’s video for “What Have You Done for Me Lately”, link below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r9uizdKZAGE&ob=av2e

Tip # 4: Get rid of his stuff. All of it. ASAP. Everything from his clothes to his toothbrush to his hair in your drain. Everything must go! Put it in a box a leave it where you can’t see it.  If you like, you can tell him to pick it up and leave it with your concierge. If your building is less fancy you can just leave it in your lobby. If your building is even less fancy then you can leave it outside and let the universe take care of it. The moment your break-up becomes official his property is no longer your concern. And shame on him for trusting his crap with his ex anyway! What is he, an idiot? (Write that down, Idiot) your home is not his storage locker.

Tip # 5: Lose his number. Just erase it from your memory—and your phone. If you can’t bring yourself to do it then change his name in your phone to something that helps you think twice. A friend of a friend changed her ex’s ID to “You’ll Regret this Later” which I thought was quite clever. You can also try “Forgot my Birthday”, “Never Liked his Friends” and “Wasn’t that Good in Bed.” If he’s the one doing the dialling then maybe change his name to “Let this Shit go to Voice Mail”.

Tip # 6: Go make with the pretty pretty. Go get your hair done, nails done, face done. Go get your wardrobe revamped if possible. Pretend as if your next facebook profile pic is going to be the next cover of Vogue magazine. But let me make one thing perfectly clear: this has NOTHING to do with him. This is for you my kittens. How many times do I have to tell you, you need to feel pretty for you? You—no one else. Look at your feline room mate. Do you see her prettying herself up for some man? Oh, hellz no.

Tip # 7: I’ll bet you think this is the part where I tell you to invite a cat to be your new room mate if you haven’t yet. Well, you’re wrong, I’m not going to do that. Getting a cat to help get over a break-up is pathetic. And I’m not going to be responsible for encouraging some crazy cat lady. You might want to wait until you get through your mourning period, before you make a big decision like inviting another living being into your home.

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥

Life Lessons from a Dog……….According to Toque

I know this is a very strange subject to broach for a cat. But recently (and I hope you’re sitting down for this) I have made the acquaintance of not one but two dogs and I have just been fascinated with their way of life--with their very culture really. Most of what I’ve seen has been atrocious but I did pick up a few lessons I honestly thought we could all benefit from. (I know—go figure). 

The two dogs that made my acquaintance, themselves are fascinating enough. The older one is a Chihuahua that just has this attitude I never knew a dog could possess. Like I said, he’s just a Chihuahua but he walks around like he’s a Rottweiler or a Great Dane or a Cat (I mean, please). The younger one is a Yorkie-Poo. That one? Dumb. As. Soup. And not one of your high end soups either, no wild mushroom at $15 a bowl from her. Nope. Think canned tomato, no name brand. Crackers not included. Her soup worthy IQ may have something to do with her breeding. I’m not just talking about her cross-breeding, although I do wish humans would stay out of another species lineage as the result often is both health and IQ problems—but I’m also suspicious if you were to research this particular dog’s family tree, the tree would have no branches, it would just go straight up. Before she ended up cohabitating with the cat-like Chihuahua I’m sure she was sharing a water bowl with her uncle-brother-dad. But I digress. I still learned some good tips from her on living well, surprisingly. I decided that although the majority of a dog’s day to day is somewhat repulsive it was worth putting together a few life lessons, or tips for living well. Straight from the dog’s mouth, as it were.

Tip # 1: Smile. The dumb-as-soup Yorkie-Poo smiles all the time and I do mean all the time. Feed her, she’s smiling. Don’t feed her, she’s smiling. Praise her, she’s smiling. Scold her, she’s smiling. Watching her is exhausting, but there is something to it. Because she is always happy. Nothing gets her down. There was a brief moment with me where she was confused, when I nick-named her “Soup”. But then I explained it’s because she’s dumb as soup and she was happy again. In no way am I suggesting you just sit and smile if someone’s putting you down. GOD NO. But those moments where you’re in just a tad of a bad mood and you want to feel a little better? Just smile. Honestly. It really does make you feel better—there’s actual science behind it! (Don’t ask me to explain the science).

Tip # 2: Keep your bad mood in check. Those times when a forced smile won’t do the trick, just keep to yourself for awhile. You shouldn’t be taking it out on others. I gathered this tip from my acquaintance with the cat-like Chihuahua. Not because he lives by this rule, but because I observed that he really should. Have you ever heard the saying “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you”? ‘Cause he hasn’t. I mean, most of the time he can be an alright enough guy, but when he gets in his moods he can be a real—you know the “C-word”? C is for Chihuahua.

Tip # 3: Love the one you’re with. My roommate and I have always had an understanding. She keeps the condo clean enough, makes sure food is brought on time and gives me attention on my terms, and in return I live with her. Most felines I know who cohabitate with humans have more or less the same set up. But dogs? OH MY GOD NO. They live with a human, sure, and she feeds and cleans up after them, naturally, but not once did they ever refer to her as their roommate. They instead informed me she was their mommy. (Retyping it here just now made me throw up a little in my mouth). What the hell is that?! You’re a grown dog and you call the woman you live with “mommy”? *shudder* Anyways, although I don’t approve of that unnatural relationship, at all, it got me thinking about how happy they are living with their mom—uh, roommate. They don’t just seek attention when they want it, but they also allow her to seek attention, even when they’re sleeping (which is like never, by the way). Made me think maybe I could be a little more appreciative of my roommate. Maybe. We’ll see.

Tip # 4: Eat. Yeah, I know you already know to eat, but try eating like a dog for a day. These dogs are NOT picky. They will eat anything and are grateful for every morsel. Ridiculously so. Am I saying eat everything that comes across your path? No. I’m saying when you have good food, eat it, be thankful and don’t waste. Only put on your plate what you need and what you  know you’ll finish, enjoy it without thinking about what you’d rather be eating and show your appreciation when you’re done. And like I said, these dogs eat whatever they want and they are both rocking svelte figures. Ok, I’m suspicious the dumb one has a thyroid condition, but still.

Tip # 5: All the world’s a stage. Now these two dogs are not perfect. By no means. I don’t want to repeat some of the things I saw, but suffice it to say, when they wanted to leave their mark; you would know when they’d been in a room. As soon as these two wanted something however, man could they act! They would act like they had been a couple of good dogs the whole time. Acting angelic to manipulate is something we cats are very familiar with, but I’m a complete amateur compared to these two. They could make their eyes go bigger—and I don’t just mean their pupils so they could see in the dark, I mean their whole eye ball would be wider, like they were in a cartoon. They would practice something called “sit pretty” (again, not the same as a cat’s version). They would even bow and shake paws. Of course I thought the whole ado was a little much but you know something? They got results! They got belly rubs; they got treats; they got to sit on the couch! It got me thinking again: when it serves your purpose it’s ok to put on a little act, no? The next time you want a deal in a store or want to move up in a line or you want the last slice of pizza remember: flattery, along with wide eyes and a smile, can go a long way. I’m just saying.

Tip # 6: Maybe—MAYBE—it’s not the most horrible thing EVER to share your life with a dog. Some of them—SOME—are alright. Not half bad. Like I said the Chihuahua I met is practically a cat so I didn’t find him quite as irritating as you’d think. Might I make a suggestion though? If you are thinking of opening up your home to a dog (and if I were you I’d think long and hard about that) as well as a cat (you still need a feline roommate to put you in your place) try meeting one at a shelter, one that really needs a home I mean. The ones you meet in a shelter seem to be smart enough. And they can be pretty appreciative once you get them home. Also, I think the C-word Chihuahua and the soup-stupid Yorkie-Poo are living proof that a breeder isn’t always going to introduce you to the best of the best, am I right?

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥

Halloween…..According to Toque

I am not entirely sure I like Halloween all that much. When this sort of, pseudo-holiday comes around you people eat way too much sugar, you encourage your impressionable children to go ahead and knock on the doors of complete strangers, and you become ridiculously obsessed with cats.

Now, don’t get me wrong, we cats don’t mind a kind thought now and then. A little scratch behind the ear, perhaps. Some treats, some pampering. I’m aware that you  even have a bit of cat worship in your history, and believe me, I GET that. But obsessed? Come on! We’re always respectful of our living arrangements with you, but we still need our alone time. We need time to ourselves for our cat naps, and beauty sleep and catching a little shut eye when need be.

Despite this, I think my least favourite part of Halloween is, well…….sluts.

To those of you who think it’s perfectly ok to leave your house in nothing more than lingerie and a smile under the guise of a Halloween Costume, I say to you: Nope.

It did occur to me, however, that, as humans, you are at a slight disadvantage. You’re more or less, let’s say “average” 364 days of the year so how can you be expected to come up with a clever costume for this one day? For some of you it can be a difficult task--for the rest of you it seems impossible. So, I decided to lend some expertise. I’ve put together just a few tips to help you come up with a costume you’ll be proud to post pics of, come November 1^st.

Tip #1 No lingerie. What are you supposed to be, anyway? Ready for bed? And, if so, then who are you kidding? A more authentic costume would be a pair of old stretch pants and an over grown t-shirt. Lingerie is worn for a single purpose, and that purpose is to entice a second party to take it off. The faster you want it off the more you’ll spend on it. Leave the expensive nightie for something special—that house party of that guy you kinda know isn’t.

Tip #2 Yes Super Heroes. I actually like this idea, because for every lame male version there’s a hella cute girlie version. And, again, I’m not talking about the girlie version you can pick up at Victoria’s Secret. I’m talking about a good ole fashioned super hero—complete with props like swords, and shields and whips. For the super hero costume you are in no way limited to what you can get at a costume shop, or afford. It’s fun to get creative with this one, in terms of hair, makeup and accessories. You know, my roommate had a really cute idea this Halloween. She is going as…..actually, I’ll tell you after Halloween. For now, you can think of your own ideas.

Tip #3 No “Couples” Costumes. Why do I say no to this? Because you’re not on a TV sitcom. And you’re two individual people with (hopefully) two separate minds. When I see couples who have coordinated their costumes, or everyday clothes for that matter, I get ill. Physically ill. Unless they’re really attractive people. Let’s face it; the truly beautiful couples can get away with pretty much anything. But, do you know how cute you two have to be, as a unit, to pull this off??? Even if you, yourself, are crazy cute (and hellz ya, you know you are!) take a good, long look at your other half and really think this through.

Tip #4 Yes Witches. But only if executed respectfully. I don’t so much like seeing the witch costume of the ugly hag with the warts and cauldron and cackling and such. This representation is offensive, not to mention tacky. These women were known to have close partnerships with cats, now tell me this: what self-respecting feline would associate with this bat shit crazy hag who doesn’t know how to dress or partake in personal hygiene? Laughable. So who would we associate with? How about what a witch really was? A mature, wise, revered woman who wasn’t afraid to speak her mind and go after what she wants, even if it earned her titles like “wicked”, “unholy”, and “diva”. Now that’s a chick I’d partner up with. Also? She knew black was fashionable and slimming long before black was the new black.

Tip #5 No topical costumes. How many Lewinskys and Clintons do you think there were Halloween ’98? Tres boring. ‘Nuff said.

Tip #6 Yes Cats. Surprised? Ok, I know I said this time of year you guys become obsessed with us and it’s really trying, but it’s ok if you want to honour us via dress. After all, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, or whatever. So go ahead, be a copy cat. But, again, just make sure that it is done right. For help/inspiration look to your feline roommate. Observe her svelte figure. Take note of her delicate ears, whisper of whiskers and perfectly primped tail. Notice her glowing eyes—how she never has to raise her golden voice to get what she wants, she merely has to look at you. You’re going to want to get her haunting beauty and captivating personality just right. If you can’t pull off this level of sophistication, perhaps you should revisit the whole super hero idea.

Happy Halloween Kittens!

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥

The Five Stages of Grief…..According to Toque

As a cat, the concept of grief can be somewhat foreign to me. I mean, for the most part, my life is really easy. I eat and sleep and look pretty (very very pretty). But I do understand that grief is there, sometimes taking over the people in my life who mean the most to me. It is heart breaking for me to witness grief take over a friend. I feel so powerless. And cats HATE to feel powerless. (Well, powerless and wet). That is why I try never to accompany my friends when they are trying on clothes.

 Anyone who has ever been shopping experiences the Five Stages of Grief:

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression and

Acceptance

Sometimes one or more of these stages can be difficult to work through. So I thought a blog post dedicated to this would be helpful. So you can recognize the five stages of grief, and be able to work through them. And then be able to heal and move on.

Stage # 1 Denial. This is in the very beginning of the trying clothes on process (hence it’s stage one). This is when you refuse to believe what size pants you should be trying on, and you march into the change room with a pair that will inevitably not fit.

Stage # 2 Anger. Obviously, this is where you have tried the pants on and they are no where near fitting you….and YOU. ARE.  PISSED. What was the point of all those vegetables and all that running (well, walking, but still….!) if you can’t even get a simple pair of pants on?! There is no way this is your fault, a higher power is somehow out to get you. The world is against you!!

Stage # 3 Bargaining. You know what? You probably read the tag wrong. Haha, how silly, but it happens! You didn’t grab your size at all, you grabbed a kid’s pair. Tres drole! This is the part of the process where, right before you double check the tag, you begin talking to the higher power you were just cursing. You explain quickly that if the tag is wrong you will give up ice cream for good, always take the stairs instead of the elevator and start giving all your worldly possessions to charity.

Stage # 4 Depression. Well, you double checked the tag, and there it is. It’s definitely the size you thought you were, and you were definitely wrong. And these pants are definitely not fitting you. On the plus side you no longer have to give up all your worldly possessions, or ice cream. Which is good news, because when you get home you are planning to eat an ENTIRE bucket of ice cream on your own. While watching The Biggest Loser.

Stage # 5 Acceptance. This is when you are finally able to emerge from the change room with your head held high. You fling aside the pants that have now ruined your day, and you go get the damn pants in the next size up, or a few sizes up, depending on how deluded you were before stage # 1. In my humble opinion (ok, maybe humble isn’t the right word…) this is the best stage. So what if you’re a couple of sizes up? Who cares? It’s important to just accept yourself and move on. Look at your feline roommate—she never worries about pant sizes, and she is perfectly content with herself. She simply accepts herself. Come to think of it, she accepts you just the way you are too. Sometimes a cat’s acceptance can help you along, so if you don’t yet have a feline roommate consider inviting one to live with you today. And let the acceptance begin.

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥