I am not entirely sure I like Halloween all that much. When this sort of, pseudo-holiday comes around you people eat way too much sugar, you encourage your impressionable children to go ahead and knock on the doors of complete strangers, and you become ridiculously obsessed with cats.
Now, don’t get me wrong, we cats don’t mind a kind thought now and then. A little scratch behind the ear, perhaps. Some treats, some pampering. I’m aware that you even have a bit of cat worship in your history, and believe me, I GET that. But obsessed? Come on! We’re always respectful of our living arrangements with you, but we still need our alone time. We need time to ourselves for our cat naps, and beauty sleep and catching a little shut eye when need be.
Despite this, I think my least favourite part of Halloween is, well…….sluts.
To those of you who think it’s perfectly ok to leave your house in nothing more than lingerie and a smile under the guise of a Halloween Costume, I say to you: Nope.
It did occur to me, however, that, as humans, you are at a slight disadvantage. You’re more or less, let’s say “average” 364 days of the year so how can you be expected to come up with a clever costume for this one day? For some of you it can be a difficult task--for the rest of you it seems impossible. So, I decided to lend some expertise. I’ve put together just a few tips to help you come up with a costume you’ll be proud to post pics of, come November 1st.
Tip #1 No lingerie. What are you supposed to be, anyway? Ready for bed? And, if so, then who are you kidding? A more authentic costume would be a pair of old stretch pants and an over grown t-shirt. Lingerie is worn for a single purpose, and that purpose is to entice a second party to take it off. The faster you want it off the more you’ll spend on it. Leave the expensive nightie for something special—that house party of that guy you kinda know isn’t.
Tip #2 Yes Super Heroes. I actually like this idea, because for every lame male version there’s a hella cute girlie version. And, again, I’m not talking about the girlie version you can pick up at Victoria
Tip #3 No “Couples” Costumes. Why do I say no to this? Because you’re not on a TV sitcom. And you’re two individual people with (hopefully) two separate minds. When I see couples who have coordinated their costumes, or everyday clothes for that matter, I get ill. Physically ill. Unless they’re really attractive people. Let’s face it; the truly beautiful couples can get away with pretty much anything. But, do you know how cute you two have to be, as a unit, to pull this off??? Even if you, yourself, are crazy cute (and hellz ya, you know you are!) take a good, long look at your other half and really think this through.
Tip #4 Yes Witches. But only if executed respectfully. I don’t so much like seeing the witch costume of the ugly hag with the warts and cauldron and cackling and such. This representation is offensive, not to mention tacky. These women were known to have close partnerships with cats, now tell me this: what self-respecting feline would associate with this bat shit crazy hag who doesn’t know how to dress or partake in personal hygiene? Laughable. So who would we associate with? How about what a witch really was? A mature, wise, revered woman who wasn’t afraid to speak her mind and go after what she wants, even if it earned her titles like “wicked”, “unholy”, and “diva”. Now that’s a chick I’d partner up with. Also? She knew black was fashionable and slimming long before black was the new black.
Tip #5 No topical costumes. How many Lewinskys and Clintons do you think there were Halloween ’98? Tres boring. ‘Nuff said.
Tip #6 Yes Cats. Surprised? Ok, I know I said this time of year you guys become obsessed with us and it’s really trying, but it’s ok if you want to honour us via dress. After all, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, or whatever. So go ahead, be a copy cat. But, again, just make sure that it is done right. For help/inspiration look to your feline roommate. Observe her svelte figure. Take note of her delicate ears, whisper of whiskers and perfectly primped tail. Notice her glowing eyes—how she never has to raise her golden voice to get what she wants, she merely has to look at you. You’re going to want to get her haunting beauty and captivating personality just right. If you can’t pull off this level of sophistication, perhaps you should revisit the whole super hero idea.
Happy Halloween Kittens!
Meow Meow For Now,
Toque ♥
