Break-ups are messy at the best of times. I’ve broken more than a few hearts so I would know. The thing about break-ups is: they’re always messy, they’re always a long time coming and they’re rarely mutual. Yet, if you were paying attention during the relationship you would realize they’re also always mutual. Do you see what I mean?
Break-ups are always mutual because if you’re smart you usually know when it’s time to end things, when inevitably things will end and when the end is over due. If you can remember this then it may help the mourning period go a little faster, a little smoother and little easier……….on your friends.
Still, no matter how much you know the break-up was for the best, sometimes the transition from a relationship to the single life is a difficult one. Although, as a cat, I’ve never experienced a break-up I didn’t get over in an afternoon, I understand that for you guys, a break-up works slightly differently. I thought since I’ve never come across a break-up I couldn’t whip into shape I would share some insight and offer some tips on how to get through this difficult time quickly and efficiently, so you can start reaping the benefits of the break-up. Mainly, your new and improved single status……
Tip # 1: Go ahead and cry. You might be surprised I am offering this as a tip since cats are notoriously dry eyed. But, again, I understand humans work slightly differently and during times of turmoil you guys like to empty out your tear ducts into tissues/hankies/sleeves. It may be that you really do need to just sit down and have a good cry, so why not? It’s better to get it out and over with. I find the longer you put it off the worse it can be. If you let it out ASAP you may only waste, like, an afternoon on it. If you wait and hold it all in, then when it does come pouring out you could lose your whole weekend to it. And you do NOT want to lose your first weekend as a single girl on any blubbering, trust me. If you successfully hold it in through the weekend, however, then come Momday……You’re only human (and I feel bad about that, I do) so there’s no stopping it. Just grab some tissues, set aside some time, hunker down and get ‘er done!
Tip # 2: This is no time for carbs! This isn’t a rom-com where you need a quick montage of you sitting around, eating ice cream out of the tub, ordering an extra large pizza for yourself and sucking whip cream from the can. This is REAL life—take it from a blogging cat! And in real life all those carbs go straight to your ass! I know break-ups are hard but they are no excuse for junk food and booze. In fact, there never was a better excuse for fruits and vegetables, antioxidants and exercise. After all, if you are modeling your life after rom-coms then you already know: you WILL run into your ex when you least expect it. So start prepping NOW.
Tip # 3: Recruit your friends. No woman is an island. You’re going to want your friends there to get you through the worst of it. Obviously you don’t want them there for the crying part—gross—but for everything else friends can prove quite useful. They can help you forget the person you just broke up with. How do they do this? Simple. By helping you remember. Your friends are there to remind you what a bone-head he was. How he didn’t know how to dress. How he wore his hair weird. How he wasn’t even that good in bed (isn’t it funny how post- break-up he was NEVER that good in bed?). Without your friends there berating you with his many many many faults you may delude yourself into thinking you miss something about him. Left to your own devices you may start remembering that one time, maybe a week into the relationship, he did something random, like bring you flowers or something equally cheesy. You need your friends to remind you that random acts of kindness, a relationship does not make! If you have no friends then please see Janet Jackson’s video for “What Have You Done for Me Lately”, link below.
Tip # 4: Get rid of his stuff. All of it. ASAP. Everything from his clothes to his toothbrush to his hair in your drain. Everything must go! Put it in a box a leave it where you can’t see it. If you like, you can tell him to pick it up and leave it with your concierge. If your building is less fancy you can just leave it in your lobby. If your building is even less fancy then you can leave it outside and let the universe take care of it. The moment your break-up becomes official his property is no longer your concern. And shame on him for trusting his crap with his ex anyway! What is he, an idiot? (Write that down, Idiot) your home is not his storage locker.
Tip # 5: Lose his number. Just erase it from your memory—and your phone. If you can’t bring yourself to do it then change his name in your phone to something that helps you think twice. A friend of a friend changed her ex’s ID to “You’ll Regret this Later” which I thought was quite clever. You can also try “Forgot my Birthday”, “Never Liked his Friends” and “Wasn’t that Good in Bed.” If he’s the one doing the dialling then maybe change his name to “Let this Shit go to Voice Mail”.
Tip # 6: Go make with the pretty pretty. Go get your hair done, nails done, face done. Go get your wardrobe revamped if possible. Pretend as if your next facebook profile pic is going to be the next cover of Vogue magazine. But let me make one thing perfectly clear: this has NOTHING to do with him. This is for you my kittens. How many times do I have to tell you, you need to feel pretty for you? You—no one else. Look at your feline room mate. Do you see her prettying herself up for some man? Oh, hellz no.
Tip # 7: I’ll bet you think this is the part where I tell you to invite a cat to be your new room mate if you haven’t yet. Well, you’re wrong, I’m not going to do that. Getting a cat to help get over a break-up is pathetic. And I’m not going to be responsible for encouraging some crazy cat lady. You might want to wait until you get through your mourning period, before you make a big decision like inviting another living being into your home.
Meow Meow For Now,
Toque ♥
