Christmas Eve.....According to Toque

Well the tree’s been trimmed, and only knocked down twice (almost thrice but it was caught at the last second). There’s different sized boxes wrapped in different colours under said tree. Any poultry to be consumed has been thawed out and stuffed. Any baking to be done is coming to an end. Dozens upon dozens of holiday cartoons and bad made-for-TV holiday movies have been watched. Greedy letters have been sent to Santa telling him how good the writer’s been (I do not have to do this because as a cat, Santa already knows I’ve been good. Well, good for a cat, with all things considered). Oh, and the dog-has been made to don his gay apparel. Much to my enjoyment! I’m still laughing to myself….when I’m in a bad mood I remember the dog in that dumb hat and I start giggling…..

            I’ve lost track of what I was saying. What was I saying? Oh yes!-preparations for the holiday. It’s Christmas Eve Kittens, and that can only mean one thing: it’s time for MAN SHOPPING. I’ve said it before, that men are the number one reason I am single and MAN SHOPPING DAY is a prime example of why. Every Christmas Eve the mall is full of men, from open to close, wandering around, panicking, throwing money at whatever the store has left, breaking momentarily for coffee, then getting up and throwing money at whatever they can find again. As a cat, I find this behaviour stupid. As a woman, I find it down right offensive. Normally, I would just let these guys drown to death in their own panic and lack of hunting abilities. But with this holiday upon us I started feeling charitable, with the good will towards men and all that jazz. So I decided to help out, with some shopping tips. For all those last minute shoppers. And by the way, if your boyfriend is not among these last minute shoppers, and is actually ready for this holiday, then MARRY HIM. And if your husband is not among these last minute shoppers and is actually prepared for this holiday, then WELL DONE. You should be writing a blog, giving tips to us single gals on how to land one of those guys.

            Alright, without further ado, before you knuckle heads hit the mall. Here are some quick tips to hopefully help you out. God speed gentleman, God speed……..

Tip # 1 No clothes. Not even socks (and seriously….socks?) Because guessing her size is the same as guessing her weight. And is that really what you want to do here? Really? I didn’t think so.

Tip # 2 Yes Jewellery. Jewellery is always a good choice. Any size, any colour and at stage of your relationship. But not just any price. Women have very good price radars when it comes to shiny things. So if you’re going for it, then go for it all the way. No holding back…..your wallet. The good news is for what you pick out for her, you can actually get creative here-as long as it’s diamonds. There’s diamond earrings, diamond necklaces, diamond bracelets, diamond anklets—

Tip # 3 No diamond rings. This gift is too heavy. This gift is only appropriate if you are ready to take a very big step in your relationship. And if you’re doing some last minute shopping, well you’re not ready.

Tip # 4 Yes Gift Cards. Gift cards used to be taboo and seen as an easy way out but they have become more acceptable and they are actually fun to get. Because it’s like a prepaid credit card to that store you like. Who wouldn’t like that? But make sure you get a decent amount on the card. A gift card to a jewellery store in less than four digits would just be silly.

Tip # 5 No puppies. Not even in toy form. Contrary to popular belief this is never a good gift to surprise someone with. Ever.

Tip # 6 Yes feline companionship. If the person you’re shopping for does not already have a feline roommate you should brooch the subject with her today. And what better way to brooch the subject than introducing her to her new roommate? I know plenty of cats looking for a roommate. So this is a win-win. Just remember, when you get your significant other a gift you now have to get her feline roommate a gift too.

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥

The Christmas Tree.....According to Toque

Oh yes Kittens, it’s that time of year again. It’s time to put a ridiculously large, anti-feng shui plant that doesn’t go with any of you furniture right in the middle of your living room.  

Well, not right in the middle. Most people try to keep it off to the side, for convenience. But the joke’s on them because, as a cat, cohabitating with a human, I can tell you, there is nothing convenient about these things.

Some people keep plastic versions in storage for just such an occasion (classy) and some people actually go out and drag a dead tree home (double classy). Either way, the result is the same-a giant plant in the house. If you’re a traditionalist and you simply must have one, straight through to the New Year, then there are ways to make it bearable, even almost pretty. And since I’ve actually seen trees with pop corn strung on them, I’ve decided to offer my assistance, via some decorating tips. Because pop corn was meant to be eaten, not growing stale strung across a plant.

Tip # 1 No pop corn. No candy canes. Nothing edible. It’s wasteful. And cruel. Yes, it’s cruel to dangle food four or five feet above someone’s head and then forbid them from climbing up to get it.

Tip # 2 Tinsel. Speaking of edible and inedible…..Kittens, do not eat the tinsel. No matter how shiny it is or how much it can look like a mouse’s tail. Trust me: yummy tinsel=sad tummy.

Oh!-Who am I kidding?? Tinsel is too wonderful to resist! So, if you don’t want the vet bill then just skip the tinsel all together. Sigh.

Tip # 3 Lights. It’s actually very common to see trees with lights of all different colours. Sometimes there isn’t even a decipherable pattern, just random twinkling, blinking colours. There’s just something about these rainbow strings of lights that scream KIDS LIVE HERE KIDS LIVE HERE.

For class, stick to one colour. For real class, make that colour a neutral.

Tip # 4 Ditto for garland. One neutral. Gold or silver. Pick one.

Tip # 5 Balls. Big Balls. (oh grow up). Every designer tree always has a few big, strategically placed balls. The number of these big balls depends on the size of the tree-for average sized trees you don’t want more than five. They are surrounded by smaller balls and other ornaments that coordinate in colour. You do not have to stick to one colour for this, as long as the colours you do choose compliment each other. Hint: red and green do NOT compliment each other. Think about it.

Tip # 6 Hand made decorations. Popular with family oriented trees. Frankly, I don’t see the charm. A kid glues dry macaroni to a piece of construction paper, covers it in glitter and hangs the whole monstrosity on a string and his parents are supposed to act all thrilled? Well, one thing’s for sure. These hand made decorations sure go great with rainbow lights.

Tip # 7 The top of the tree. Look, I know my place. I am not about to get into the middle of the great Star VS Angel debate. That debate has been going on since the dawn of this asinine tradition and I have no delusions that one little cat (some would even say petite cat) is going to bring an end to that battle. Although, it would be nice to finally have peace at Christmas. If you’re like me, and you just want to see an end to the Star/Angel war (and why wouldn’t you? Haven’t enough people been hurt?) then I have a few fresh alternatives you can take your stand with: the tree top could have ribbons, bows, jingle bells, a framed picture of you and your feline roommate, or, my personal favourite, a Santa Hat.

Tip # 8 Security. You HAVE to make sure that whole thing is not going to topple over. Invest in a good base and stand and use string to secure it to the walls and ceiling. Because when you take a running leap into that thing, climb it, pull on the branches, etc. you have to be sure it’s going to stand strong. It cannot come down on you every time you want to play in it.

And what else is there to do with it but play? Isn’t playing what Christmas is all about?

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥

 

The First Date…..According to Toque

 First dates are hard work. Not for you, however. For him. He has got a lot of work ahead of him--all you have to do is look gorgeous (check) and show up (if he’s lucky, double check). Of course, I am aware of the century, I am aware that you can ask him and put some effort towards the date. But as a cat, I am greatly against this. I believe that the other person should be putting in all the work, all the time, in all my relationships. After all, I already bring enough to the table with my looks, my charm and my ability to see well at night. So, the ask-er has got his work cut out for him—when he finally grows a pair big enough to ask you out.

First thing’s first: he’s gotta pick a place. This is very important because the place he picks can make or break the date.

And any possibility of a second date.

But once you’re there, it’s all in the details. And it’s the details that the ask-ee has to navigate through. Because sometimes due to the attention, and wine it’s hard to tell if that first date warrants a second date. I’ll bet some girls wish there was some sort of list of dates out there with easy-to-read indicators of whether or not a second date should be granted.

Alright, alright. Here you go…..

Date # 1 The Coffee Date. I can see the benefits of this one. It’s less intimidating than a whole dinner but allows more conversation than a movie. It’s easy enough to blow off when it starts heading south and it doesn’t come with the added pressure of meeting for drinks. When you meet for drinks it’s unclear if you’re going home alone or not.  But when you meet for coffee it’s mutually understood you’re going home alone. Because no one gets hot and heavy after a hot cup of coffee. (Except for the exception, let’s call her C. C met a smokin’ hot guy at a coffee shop and he became a one night stand she successfully turned into a smokin’ hot boyfriend. This, kittens, is not the norm—it’s just C’s life). Despite some good qualities this is ultimately not my favourite kind of date. I feel a date should have more, I don’t know, pizzazz, more substance, more….what’s the word? Oh—food! A date should have more food. Not that a coffee shop doesn’t have some food. But if your date presents you with a pre-made, saran wrapped egg salad sandwich and calls it dinner…..

Second Date: NOT GRANTED

Date # 2 The movie. This is always a safe choice because in a dark, quiet theatre there is sort of a pseudo-intimacy that exists, but with minimal conversation. This fabricated intimacy comes from sitting side by side, in the dark, arms touching, hands and knees occasionally brushing against each other.  But you dare not try to get to know each other better, for fear of being “shushed”. If you have been asked to go to a movie, you have just been asked out by a smart, shy guy. He is looking forward to sitting in silence for 90 minutes, because he knows, when the end credits roll, you two have something in common to talk about: you’ve both seen the same movie! Was it good? Was it bad? Was it over-acted? You guys have a whole walk out of the theatre to discuss it. Basically, this guy knows his own weaknesses and he knows how to distract you from them.

Second Date: NOT GRANTED

Date # 3 a) Dinner (Upscale). This has all the makings of a great date: fine dining, fine wining, and plenty of opportunity for (hopefully) fine conversation. Add candlelight and soft music in the background and….wow. This guy is good. This guy has money and clearly wants to impress you with it. That’s fine, for a free meal, but what are you? A hooker?

Second Date: NOT GRANTED

Date # 3 b) Dinner (Downscale). Let’s get one thing straight: if dinner comes to the table in some kind of plastic/Styrofoam/paper container and is eaten with disposable cutlery….

Second Date: NOT GRANTED

Date # 3 c) Dinner (Home Cooked). I don’t know why some guys think it’s cute to put on an apron and cook. Furthermore, I don’t know why some girls fall for this. Bottom line: this guy had some money he could have spent on spoiling you but instead he chose to spend it on the ingredients to canned sauce spaghetti and a novelty apron…..

Second Date: NOT GRANTED

Date # 4 Dinner and a Movie Combo. Never, ever agree to this date. When a guy asks you out to dinner and then says “maybe we can catch a movie after” he is assuming you have that whoooooole night free and have nothing better to do. And he should never, ever assume that. And you should never, ever let him. Even if it’s true…..

Second Date: NOT GRANTED

Date # 5 Going for a walk. What?! No! Just—no! No meal AND I have to go for a walk? I just—I can’t even—Gawd! Just—NO—Gawd no! 

Second Date: NOT GRANTED (a million times not granted)

Date # 6 Going for a picnic. Wow, this one is loads better than the last one, but it’s still pretty bad. Homemade sandwiches eaten in the great outdorrs……

Second Date: NOT GRANTED

Date # 7 Going Shopping. This sounds good, at first, but ladies, come on! If he’s asked you to go on a shopping trip then there’s a good chance he’s in the closet. Or, he’s not, and your gay-dar is so bad that you completely misunderstood his invite. Either way…..

Second Date: GRANTED (because, Honey, meet your new shopping BFF).

Date # 8 Trampoline Lessons. OMG this guy is a KEEPER. You’re definitely going on a second date with this guy because--Wait. You know what? This list is a waste of time. You don’t need a list to help you know if a second date is in the cards. You should be relying on your raw, animal instinct, aka your feline roommate. Before your date even begins, invite him in for a few minutes and introduce him to your kitty companion. She’ll size him up in seconds (we have a knack) and before you’re even out the door, she’ll let you know.

Oh yeah, she’ll let you know.

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥

                                                                            

                                                                                        

Rainy Days.....According to Toque

Rain-Pfft. Normally, rain does not really bother me. Because, as a cat, I prefer to stay in on the best of days. So rain, hindering my outdoor time?-not such a problem. Now my canine acquaintances, on the other hand, act crazy when it rains. First, they demand to be let out, then, when they get wet, they freak out and demand to be let in. Then they act upset when they’re not allowed on any of the furniture while they’re all wet, then they attempt to dry themselves with a full body shake that is ridiculously inconvenient for anyone within a 20 mile radius, and THEN, inevitably, they forget what they came in for and demand to be let back out.  

Oh boy.

Even though the reasoning behind this behaviour escapes me completely, I thought as a nice gesture I would take this opportunity to offer some tips on staying in on rainy days. So others can see being “stuck inside” is no burden, but rather, a luxury.

Tip # 1 Sleep. If you are no good at this then please refer to my previous post. Sleeping is a good one because since it takes up most of your day you will hardly notice that it is taking up most of a rainy day.

Tip # 2 Cards, puzzles, board games etc. Any opportunity you get to show others you are better than them and a natural born winner is gold. Luckily, any of these games are quick to learn and a cinch to master. Take board games, for example. During this activity there are small pieces that get moved around the board. So, when it is your turn, simply swat the pieces off the board and onto the floor and chase them across the room. Show your opponents how good you are at it! Bonus points if one of the pieces ends up under the couch. The other players may get upset and even yell in frustration. But this is only because they are sore losers and jealous of your mad skillz.

Tip # 3 Redecorate. A quick and easy way to change the look of any room is to reorganize items on shelves, tables, cupboards, dressers and so on. The best way to do this is to employ the same mad skillz used during board games.

Tip # 4 Seek back up (aka attention). If you’re really bored seek your roommate’s help. Meow at her and rub in between her legs for her attention. Make her turn off the TV, put down her book, close her lap top etc and have her play with and/or pet you.  That way she can combat both your boredom AND hers. Win-Win.

Tip # 5 Sleep. For help you can refer to my previous post because—what? I already mentioned this? Oh, silly me. I guess I was subconsciously adding it twice because on rainy days sleeping is freakin’ heaven. Amen.

Tip # 6 Chase birds off your balcony and/or window sill. Usually lunging at the window delivers the message. It’s sometimes hard to tell if they’re going to come back or not, so it’s always good to sort of “stand guard” for awhile, for any trouble. When it’s raining these little, homeless creatures have no where to go, so they’ll often huddle on your balcony and under awnings and such to try and keep warm and dry. When I see them out there, alone, and shaking, I think to myself: THOSE BITCHES BEST GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE NOW AND I AIN’T PLAYIN’.

Tip # 7 Mark Territory. I don’t do dishes. Or laundry. Or vacuuming. And I wouldn’t be caught dead making a bed. Most of the household jobs fall on my roommate’s shoulders. But to keep it fair I am in charge of at least a few chores, one of which is territory marking. To be honest, sometimes I get behind, but a rainy day is the perfect opportunity to catch up. Now different people have different methods of marking, my roommate might leave clothes around the apartment from time to time and I don’t even want to tell you what goes on in the canine community, but as for myself, I bring out the claws. Scratching different surfaces, particularly large furniture items, is the most effective way to mark your territory. You’ll know you’re doing it right when the items you scratch have efficiently depreciated in value.

            Tip # 8 Get right up on your depreciated couch and snuggle with your feline roommate. Don’t worry, it’s not weird—it’s totally platonic and just what the doctor ordered on these less than perfect days. And also, I read somewhere that it’s good for the heart—the human heart, not our cat heart. Snuggling or being left alone, it really makes no difference to us. We’re just happy to help, because we’re nothing if not helpful.

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥