Acceptance.....According to Toque

            Anyone who has ever been acquainted with a cat knows they do just fine on their own. Anyone who has ever been acquainted with me knows I do exceptionally well on my own. I’m a credit to my species the way I can spend the majority of my time with myself. I have never needed a man to complete me - or whatever bollocks the kids are saying nowadays. I’m sickened by how the media has been portraying relationships; the woman is independent, but lonely and we usually meet her right when she thinks her life is unraveling, for one reason or another, then she meets “The One” and her life falls into place. Just like that. It’s especially revolting when before “The One” shows up the woman actually liked being single, actually took interest in her career or even didn’t believe in romanticized love, because then the man gets to teach her why she is wrong.  

I always cry at the end of a rom-com, but I weep for the couple’s sanity, rather than their good fortune.

This portrayal has otherwise smart women waiting for their prince to come and untangle their lives. The problem with believing a man is going to swoop in and complete you is all the waiting you have to do before he gets there – if he gets there. I found that accepting he’s not coming is much more comforting, as it forces you to do all your living now, and to rely on your friends for a good night out, a memorable birthday or a kick ass Valentine’s Day. (Believe me, plan a Valentine’s dinner with your friends instead of a guy, and you will NOT be disappointed, every time).

I know this is hard for a modern woman to understand. I’m worried for you my Kittens, worried that you have been brain washed, particularly by a few of media’s Prince Charmings that you may be subconsciously waiting for. Well, I’m here to set you straight. Follow my tips to acceptance, and start living your life sans waiting.

Tip #1 Accept that Mr. Darcy is not coming. Please go out tonight instead of staying in and watching Bridget Jones for the umpteenth time. Surely by now you realise Mr. Darcy is not going to just “pop in” and help you make dinner. And thank God he doesn’t! – or he’d catch you in your pajamas (the “comfortable” pair) polishing off a pizza and watching a rom-com. Alone. Like some kind of addict. It’s better to accept this one’s not coming, not Mr. Darcy now and not Mr. Darcy from the 18^th Century. Just let it go, no matter how much he looks like an Oscar winning actor.

Tip #2 Accept that Mr. Big is not coming. I get dizzy thinking of all the ways Mr. Big was a horrible match for Carrie. And how it would have been much more empowering to see the show end with Carrie single – but the twist is, she’s actually happy and has high self-esteem…..Not that I watched the show. Or dressed up as a character for both movie premiers…..The problem with Mr. Big is he’s just an updated version of Prince Charming, minus the charm. He’s handsome (to some tastes) and rich (to all tastes) and he’s…well, he’s there, isn’t he? This one you really don’t have to wait for Kittens. We already have plenty of Mr. Bigs out there, just without the rich part. If it’s a pompous man you want, one who acts like royalty and will just go back and forth for a few seasons, disappear for a while, come back and toy with your emotions a little more…then just look around. Take your pick. But if you’re holding out for the Mr. Big who will treat you like crap but then buy you a condo, then don’t hold your breath.

Tip #3 Accept that Edward Cullen is not coming. Come on! – really??? How much belief did you have in this one? …. Well that’s just sad. No, ladies, this man is not going to swoop in, bite your neck and make your life magical. Oops, let me rephrase that: this high school student is not going to swoop in. And neither is the high school student who plays him. Let’s leave vampires and werewolves and whatever else goes bump in the night to the teenage girls, shall we?

Tip #4 Accept that Edward Lewis is not coming. The plot of Pretty Woman is a classic. Boy meets Girl. Boy pays Girl for sex. After Girl goes shopping and makes over herself Boy falls in love with Girl and decides to no longer pay her for sex. Also Boy is Richard Gere, and he is filthy rich. I’ve actually seen this one happen in real life – honestly! Except instead of Richard Gere, Boy was a teenage virgin, and instead of filthy rich, he used his allowance to pay Girl. But when he fell in love with her and she still wouldn’t kiss him on the mouth, he started crying and begged her not to tell his parents. Then Girl’s pimp told him his 15 minutes was up and he better go home. See? Classic.

Look – did you really think a handsome, rich business man was going to fall in love with you, but only after using you for sex? Have you ever even met a man???

Tip #5 Accept that McDreamy isn’t coming. Neither is McSteamy or McHouse or any other McTV Doctor you can think of. Drop dead gorgeous doctors only date other drop dead gorgeous doctors. Or nurses. Or other drop dead gorgeous hospital personnel. Why? Because they can! And, because it’s in the script. I see the appeal of this one, I really do. Who doesn’t want a handsome neurosurgeon, with a good head of hair to bring home flowers and tell them how their day of saving lives went. Better yet, how about the bad boy appeal of a crusty diagnostician with a juicy back story and piercing blue eyes to ride in on his motorcycle and give you a lift into the sunset – hell even I could give up my ever fulfilling single life for that. But when was the last time you went to the doctor, Kittens? Did your doctor fit either of those descriptions? I think the last time I had an appointment my doctor had a cane, but believe me that’s where the comparison ends.

Tip #6 Accept that dogs are dogs and cats are cats. Likewise, accept that men are men and women are women. I think if God had wanted men and women to live together, He wouldn’t have given men mouths. Well, that’s just my theory anyway. Rather than waiting for a man that you can stand long enough to let him complete you, you need to accept that you need to complete yourself. If you’re already too far gone and are unsure how then take pointers from your feline roommate (or your future feline roommate, depending) and learn to spend time with yourself. Learn the art of sleeping, eating, and grooming for you and only you. It’s very liberating. And you know what they say, you won’t find true love until you truly love yourself. See? Even I have a mushy side (it’s my belly, and if you touch it I’ll scratch your eyes out).

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥

Riding the TTC…..According to Toque

In a past blog  I spoke about the horrors of the Vomit Comet. If you would just bare with me, Kittens, I would like to talk about the TTC once more. Because I would like to talk about something close to my heart: being a considerate fellow rider.

When you are on a bus or train you are on public transportation--not private. You are not sitting in your living room, eating whenever you want, smelling however you want, scratching wherever you want, with the whole bloody couch to yourself. You are sharing these accommodations with others. Thus, you should behave accordingly.

Now, as I’ve said before we cats rarely, if ever, take public transportation—haha, please. But it has come to my attention that some of you—well, most of you—behave atrociously on what the government has now deemed a vital service. So, like always, I am here to help. I am going to offer you some tips on how to behave yourself on the TTC.

Tip #1. Bathe. I never thought I would have to put that down as a tip in a blog post but there it is. Apparently some of you just don’t understand. You may think it’s not noticeable but…..on a bus…during rush hour…in July….I hate to tell you this, but we can tell.

Tip #2. Do not bathe in perfume. Or cologne. Artificial scents are not a substitute for Tip #1. I know it can be hard to know when to draw the line between enough and too much so let me help you: Did you press down on the perfume nozzle for more than three seconds? TOO MUCH. Did you dip the perfume stick in the bottle more than once? TOO MUCH. Did you pick up the perfume at the Dollar Store for only a dollar? TOO MUCH! I find the rare times I’m on the bus or subway I’m either gagging on B.O. or gagging on perfume—can we not find a happy medium?

Tip #3. No one wants to hear your music. This one should be self-explanatory but for argument’s sake let me explain: Next time you’re on the TTC take a look around you. Do you see how some people have ear phones on and some don’t? The ones with the ear phones are listening to their own choice of music. The ones without ear phones don’t want to listen to any music at all. So what it amounts to is neither group wants to listen to your music. Get it?

Tip #4. No one wants to listen to your conversation, on the phone or otherwise. This is similar to Tip #3. Basically, the guy behind you doesn’t care that you’re hung over and late for work, or if you have a big crush on your best friend’s brother, or why the girl who does your nails is a slut….Why you feel the need to offer up this information publicly is beyond him, and it’s beyond me. Please try to keep your private life off of public transportation.

Tip #5. Do not take up the aisle with your baby carriage/back pack/groceries/dog/YOU. The aisle is for walking, kittens, WALKING. If you are stuck standing please move as far to the side as possible. Please take off your backpack. Please move your groceries to the side or even under your seat if possible. Please don’t endanger your child by leaving him trapped in a rolling contraption (seriously—even with the breaks on have you ever considered the danger of a sudden stop or even an accident??).  As for dogs….Ok, technically they are allowed on the TTC. But before inviting them along for the ride, please make sure they know better than to use the floor as their toilet, or their fellow riders as a chew toy. Uh, the same goes for your kid.

Tip # 6. Your fare only paid for the seat you’re sitting in—and sometimes it doesn’t even guarantee that. So if you have your bag beside you and you see the bus or subway car filling up around you, MOVE YOUR CRAP. If you see someone who needs a seat more than you do, say an elderly person, a pregnant woman, a guy with a cane, a pirate with a stump for a leg and a hook for a hand etc, MOVE YOUR ASS.

Tip #7. Treat the TTC as if it’s your home—unless at home you’re a slovenly pig. It’s really sweet of you to leave your newspaper behind for the next person to read. But if the next person wants to read, chances are they’ll bring their own reading material. The same goes for your half finished cup of coffee, your empty food wrappers, your scratched Bingo tickets—even your gum. So, you can probably just take all that with you when you get to your stop.

Tip #8. SSSSH! When you are trying to make polite conversation and the other person is reading/listening to music/ignoring you, take the hint. Whatever small town you’re from just forget it—you’re in the T-Dot now Kiddo. In the big city you have to be content with your own company once and a while. If you need help with that just take a page from your feline room mate’s book. Do we bother you when you’re busy?....well, ok, maybe sometimes we do. But that’s not the point.

What you need to observe is our contentment with ourselves. Our ability to go for hours without being outwardly annoying. If you have never been able to harness the art of not annoying people and you don’t have a feline room mate to teach you, I suggest you let one adopt you today! After all, you can never really know how to ignore people properly until you have been properly ignored by a cat.

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥