The Vomit Comet.....According to Toque

 

Well, it smells. Yes, I know, cat’s have a heightened sense of smell so of course I would complain, but the odour I am talking about should be detectable by even the most human of senses. Next time you have the misfortune of riding Toronto’s all night bus go ahead, take a whiff. Smell that? An odour cocktail of urine, body musk, stale coffee, mystery smell (that “what the hell is that smell?” smell) and, of course, its namesake, vomit.

Now, as a rule, cats do not usually take any kind of public transportation. (How so very blue collar!) I was, however, forced to take the all night bus (referred to by its riders affectionately as the Vomit Comet) recently during a rare cab shortage. And let me tell you: it was terrifying. But I did learn some helpful tips for riding this atrocity. As always, I will share them with you now. Tip # 1: Do not under any circumstances ride the Vomit Comet. Alright, alright, I kid.  

Tip # 1: Assume everyone around you is drunk. The majority of Vomit Comet riders are drunk. And the majority of that majority cannot hold their drink. You could go crazy trying to figure out if any of the people around you are sober. That is why it is best to assume they are not and refrain from engaging in conversation. Because a conversation with a drunk stranger at 3am always turns into a screaming match. Always. No exceptions.

Tip # 2: Don’t sit down. This is one of those rare times on public transportation where you may actually try to beat others to a good standing spot. You never want to sit because you don’t know who was sitting there before you. And what they sat in before they sat there. Or what they were eating. Or if they really had to go to the bathroom. Trust me, your outfit is way too nice for that kind of abuse.

Tip # 3 If your really cute but really new shoes are absolutely killing you and you really do absolutely have to sit down, do not sit in the window seat and let somebody box you in. This goes back to Tip # 1. Assume that person sitting beside you is drunk and therefore wants to a) start a fight with you, b) come on to you, c) fall asleep on you, making it difficult for you to get off at your stop or d) all of the above. Kittens, as a survival strategy, assume D!

Tip # 4 Keep your ear buds in and your eyes down. Just because you are refraining from conversation, doesn’t mean the people around you are. Remember, drunken people like the sound of their own voice. And they assume you do too. The best thing for you to do is to not react to anything around you and pretend you are listening to music, while reading a book. Obviously you are not listening to music, nor reading a book. Because actually you don’t want to miss the free show going on around you, nor miss the funny story you’re going to tell your friends the next day. The story about the drunk guy, who fell over when the bus came to a red light, and when he tried to get up another drunk guy stepped on his hand, and then as they got into a fight a drunk girl in the back started ralphing…….

Tip # 5 Breathe through your mouth. I know I already mentioned the smell at the beginning of this post, but trust me, it’s worth mentioning again.  

Tip # 6 If you’re on the all night bus and you aren’t being annoyed by all the drunks-or if you’re even surprised at the lack of drunks, then be warned: you’re drunk!! Keep your eyes straight ahead, your mouth shut and your hands tight around a pole. Don’t talk to anyone and don’t think too much about puking. Just stay cool. You’ll get through this. Just pay attention and don’t miss your stop.

Tip # 7 Rethink going out in the first place. Look how comfy your feline roommate looks stretched out on the couch. Doesn’t she look peaceful? Don’t you want to join her? If you stay home with a cat I can guarantee the cat won’t start a fight with you, try to pick you up or shout into a cell phone all the details of the aMAYzing party they just came from. I can’t guarantee the cat won’t puke, but better a hairball in the hallway then street meet on your shoes.

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥

Fairy Tales…..According to Toque

You would think as a cat I would rather enjoy these fairy tales about a girl falling into wealth and living out her days as a princess. So, we all know the story, right? The damsel with the hard knock life kisses a frog and he turns into a prince. Then he finds her shoe, or something. Oh!-and he kisses her while she’s sleeping, waking her up-even though she had a long day scrubbing floors and singing to forest creatures. Then she gets a big wedding, in a big dress. Then she’s a princess. More to the point, she’s a wife-and that’s where the story ends. Little girls everywhere just assume she lives happily ever after.

Well….I have a few problems with this.

Problem # 1: Why was she compelled to kiss a frog in the first place? If she herself has it going on, then shouldn’t she be swapping saliva with someone else who equally has it going on? Alright, I know what you’re thinking. After a few drinks frogs can start to look like princes. But that’s what your designated driver is for! To let you know he’s a frog. And he needs a hair cut. And he’s been talking to your chest all night. Frogs are the guys you let buy you drinks at the bar-but you don’t go home with them! You certainly don’t marry them! The very idea is absurd!

Problem # 2: Have you ever been in such a hurry that if your shoe fell off you would just leave it behind? Neither have I. I never like to fret over money or how much I spent on something material, but Honey, if my Manolo Blahnik slips off, I’m going back for it.

Problem # 3: What exactly is this girl doing with her life before the prince shows up? Scrubbing floors? Talking to mice (mice for Christ’s sake)? Living, practically, like a slave in her home? This girl is hopelessly obedient and speaking as a cat, I find this disgusting. And after her life of obedience her reward is marrying a spoiled prince who is probably used to getting everything he wants. At a snap of his fingers, no less. Well, congratulations Honey.

Problem # 4: Why are the majority of these girls all jobless and living with their parents? Why aren’t they in school or pursuing careers? I know all about family money but any girl worth her salt knows she can’t rely on family money alone. She needs to support herself. Be independent. Be her own woman. I am strictly talking about human girls, of course. I won’t lift a paw to do work. Working is so pedestrian.

Problem # 5: Do they really have to get married right away? It seems a bit rash. They really should take the time to get to know each other a little better. Get to know each other’s likes, and dislikes. Hobbies and habits. Fairy tale folks get hitched so fast they barely have time to learn if they’re marrying a cat person or a *shudder* dog person. Girls of the world, hear my plea: don’t rush into marriage! Take some time for you first. Get a job, get your own apartment and get a feline roommate. As demanding as we are, we are nothing compared to a pampered prince! We would never ask you to give up your career-au contraire, you will need a good job when cohabitating with a cat. We won’t touch your shoes without asking, we would never let you bring home a frog and we would never, EVER, wake you up when you’re sleeping-unless it is in fact time to get up. Or it’s time to be fed. Or we’ve brought you a gift and want you to see it. Or we thought you already woke up and we just want to make sure.

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥

Men.....According to Toque

I know a thing or two about men. Ok, I know what you’re thinking, How could a cat know anything about anything?? Well, I’m not some silly little house pet you know. First of all, I live in a condo-as in condominium. Alright? I don’t go outside, on the end of some leash, I stay inside, and lounge around on the couch. That’s right, I’M ALLOWED ON THE COUCH. And I don’t have some human owner. I can’t even imagine using that word, it’s disgusting. I do however, have a room mate. Coincidentally she is human. But I don’t hold it against her. She keeps the place somewhat tidy, cleans my litter pan, keeps my food and water dishes full, gives me treats…and in return I share my bed with her. It’s the perfect relationship really. Simpatico.

But wait, I’m off topic now. You were asking me something about men.  Well honey, I know a thing or two about men. For the most part, I hate them. No no, I’m not some man-hating power woman-men are good for some things, actually they’re good for a few things in a few different positions but for the most part they’re stupid and they’re weird and they smell bad. Really, it’s summer, it’s hot out buddy, it wouldn’t kill ya to take shower…it’s not against the law. Also, men are the number one reason I choose to be single. Like I said, men are good for a few things but I wouldn’t want one hanging around me all the time, racking up my phone bill with nonsense text messages, asking “Oh, where are you? Oh, what are you doing tonight? Oh, I miss you, Oh, I bought you this ring, I want to take you on a trip around the world, I can’t live without you, blah blah blah”. Seriously, it gets old. But, if you’re one of those girls that actually goes out looking for boyfriend then I have a few tips to help you out. Tip # 1 DON’T DO IT. Alright, alright I kid.

Tip # 1 Less is more. This tip applies to skin, make up and facial hair. For skin, a little leg is good. But summer is no excuse for you to be walking around in your underpants, or a skirt so short your vajay-jay is waving hello to everyone. Not sexy. The same goes for cleavage, muffin tops and back fat. You see, a little mystery is key; you want to give these guys just enough of a glimpse to get them to fantasize about what you look like naked. If you give them enough skin for them to actually be able to picture what you look like naked, then the fantasy’s over and they’re on to the next girl.

For makeup, a bit of colour that accents your features is good. Enough colour to accent your career in the circus, is not good. How do you know when you’ve gone too far in the make up department? When you’re asking yourself the question “Have I gone too far?” You’re cue to stop is when you  ask yourself  “Should I put on more?” The answer is always “no”. Period.

For facial hair, a bit of peach fuzz can actually be cute-IF YOU’RE A CAT! So, are you a cat? No? Then take care of that ‘stash Sistah.

Tip # 2 The art of disinterest. Followed by a little interest, followed by continued disinterest. You are in luck my friend. Cats are MASTERS of disinterest. The trick is to act like everyone around you is boring and stupid. That reels them in. It’s a game to men. A chase. They want to win over your interest. But men have a short attention span so, after a little while you do have to feign some interest, to keep them in the game. Then just when they think they’re winning, you have to go back to disinterest. To let them know you’re not that easy.  Now, be warned, at any given social gathering you are going to have some stiff competition. There is always going to some girls there that are no good at disinterest. They will laugh at all the guy’s jokes and pretend to be in to sports and basically hang off every word these guys have to say. These girls are called sluts. Although in the long run these girls are harmless and only hurting themselves, in the short run, while you’re forced to compete with them for a guy’s attention, these girls are pests that need to be taken out at any cost. Try spilling red wine on their bargain-barn-too-much-skin-showing dress. That usually shuts them up.

            Tip # 3 Don’t assume he’s paying for everything on your date. But, at the same time, MAKE HIM PAY FOR EVERYTHING ON YOUR DATE. Do you see what I mean? The faking for your wallet thing is out. Guys aren’t falling for it anymore. You actually have to physically remove your wallet from your purse and open it to let him see you have money. You have to let him see you’ve got things going on for you. You have to let him see you are an independent woman who doesn’t need a man. Then when he says “No no, let me pay the bill,” You have to say, “Oh no, that’s alright.” Then he will say “I insist,” to which you will reply, “Ok.” And then put your wallet away. Never to be seen again for the duration of this relationship.

Tip # 4 If it’s date # 1, there’s no boom-boom fun. I mean it ladies, this rule is what separates us from them-and by them I mean those idiot girls with red wine spilled down the front of their dress. I’m not talking about one night stands, here. A one night stand is harmless when you’re never going to see the guy again. But when you’re actually thinking about turning this first date into a maybe relationship, sex is out. Now, I’m not one of those gals that have a magic number, as in “you need to go on a blank number of dates before he can see you naked. I understand, different girls have different numbers that work for them. But here’s a hint: that number HAS TO BE GREATER THAN ONE. No exceptions. Well, there is one exception, let’s call her C. C  brought a guy home for what she thought was going to be a one night stand and ended up with a smokin’ hot boyfriend who dotes on her and has his own car. This, ladies, is not the norm. It’s a fluke, actually C’s whole life is a fluke. She’s one of those girls it’s hard to be friends with. But I don’t hold it against her.

Tip # 5 Get a feline room mate-and forget about men. I am serious. We are so much less work than a boyfriend. We are clean, we are quiet, we don’t hog the remote and we don’t smell like whatever we had for dinner two nights ago.  True, we won’t chip in for rent (paying rent is so lower class) but you know something? I know many girls who live with their boyfriends, and those guys don’t chip in for rent either. They’re too broke after buying pizza, beer and games for their Xbox. So really, with a cat, what have you got to lose?

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥