St. Patrick’s Day……….According to Toque

Right off of Valentine’s, another pseudo-holiday approaches: St. Patrick’s Day. It is arguable that if Valentine’s is exclusively for couples, then St. Patrick’s Day is exclusively for singles. This is because it is a night to dress up, go out and mingle. Anyone holding a drink or wearing green is fair game—it’s the one night a year we wear signs and clothing inviting people to kiss us based on our ethnicity. This all points to a sexy single having a better night out than a constricted couple. That’s not to say someone in a relationship won’t have fun on St. Patrick’s Day—they just have to remain a little more vigilant. Otherwise, don’t be mad at me if I kiss your boyfriend—his t-shirt told me to.

There’s another key difference between Valentine’s and St. Patrick’s Day that I would like to point out. And that is, simply. I like St. Patrick’s Day better. Much better. It’s one of my favourite fake holidays. And I feel a little protective of it. I don’t like to see it disrespected, or defiled. When certain people do not act appropriately it can potentially ruin the night for everyone else. Now, in my infinite feline patience, I understand that some of you don’t realize when you’re ruining someone else’s night—perhaps you have no self awareness or you were simply raised poorly—so I thought maybe I could help. I can offer you tips on how to behave on a pub night as big as St. Patrick’s Day so you can wake up March 18th with your self-respect, friendships and underwear, intact.

Tip # 1 Fake it. Not everyone in the whole wide world is Irish. Obviously. But everyone in the whole wide world is Irish on March 17^th. And everybody knows this. From midnight to midnight on that day when you are asked if you are Irish, the correct answer is a resounding YES. Forget blondes, it’s the Irish that are having more fun. If in fun you want to partake, then it’s Irish style you’ll need to fake.

Tip # 2 If you’re drinking, know your limit. For everyone it’s different, but I say if you’re old enough to go out drinking, then you should be old enough to know when you need to STOP drinking. For most the limit is somewhere between hugging strangers and topless table dancing. Don’t lose count of how many drinks you’ve had. That’s where the problem starts. 

Tip # 3 Have a designated driver. To offer to be the designated driver on St. Patrick’s Day is a most noble gesture. To forego drinking to make sure your friends get home safe makes you a hero in my books (and cats don’t take hero-worship lightly!). Mostly though, this responsibility isn’t offered up. Mostly it’s whoever draws the short straw or loses the last round of “Rock Paper Scissors”. No matter how you decide who will be your hero of the night the important thing is that someone does play hero. Or, you need to set aside bus or cab fare (maybe in your sock?) so you don’t accidentally spend it on green jell-o shots. Because, Honey, you are going to be drinking WAY too much to worry about getting your drunk ass home. Unless you draw the short straw. Then you’re drinking water.

Tip # 4 Choose shoes you can actually wear. There are two things to consider when choosing your shoes for the night. The first is you need to be able to wear them until the end of the night. There are few sights in this world trashier than a girl walking down the street, barefoot, shoes in one hand and a street vendor hotdog in the other. Please don’t think I’m being a hater. I am speaking from experience. If you really want to wear the shoes but are not confident you can last the night in them, then the next best thing is to tuck a little pair of flats in your purse. The second thing to consider when choosing shoes is that you need to be able to walk in them. Not just walk, but drunk walk. Don’t think you can rely on your friends to lean on—they’ll be drunk too! Except the friend who drew the short straw. But, as the only sober one, she’ll be so annoyed with you by the end of the night chances are she’s not going to help you hobble down the street either.

Tip # 5 Learn some traditional Irish ditties. And then, when they are played at the pub, SING THEM. Sing your Irish heart out. Don’t hold back. Drinking and singing is what being Irish for a day is all about.

Tip # 6 Wear green. Honestly? On St. Patrick’s Day? Wear. Green. Even if you HATE green, wear it. Because it’s freakin’ St. Patrick’s Day. And on this very sacred day, no one likes that douche that refuses to wear at least some green. You know why? Come on, that guy’s a douche.

Tip # 7 Don’t wear TOO MUCH green. On the opposite end of the emerald scale, there are those that go out head to toe in green. And maybe their hair has been dyed for the occasion. And their face has been painted up like the Wicked Witch of the West. These people have no life. Don’t be these people.

Tip # 8 Confidence. No matter how you choose to ring in March 17^th, make sure you have the utmost confidence in yourself, your Irish-ness and your very green-ness. For help with that look to your feline roommate. She is confident in her green-ness all year round. Her eyes hold a glint of an Irish rogue and her purr holds the rhythm of an Irish tune. Embrace this in yourself, and you won’t have to look to the end of a rainbow for a pot of gold—you won’t have to! Because guys are going to be buying you drinks all night long.

Unless you draw the short straw.

Happy St. Paddy’s Day!

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥

Hard Work…...According to Toque

I know in the non-feline community there is an old adage that hard work pays off in the end. There are many parables and fables to illustrate this. One in particular that comes to mind is the story of the ant and the grasshopper. In Aesop’s classic fable the ant spends the warm months of the year hard at work both harvesting and storing his food. Meanwhile the grasshopper procrastinates and spends his summer vacation taking long naps and strumming his guitar (sometimes a mandolin). As predicted, when the cold season arrives the ant has everything he needs to survive and the grasshopper does not, in some versions starving to death. I think in more modern spins the grasshopper ends up dealing with a gambling problem and treating an STD. And he loses custody of his kids. Come to think of it, this fable may have morphed into a cautionary tale against dating musicians.

            But I digress.

            The story teaches that hard work comes with rewards and idleness comes with consequences. It’s often used in childhood education and a version of it exists in most languages, especially the romantic ones. Well, I would like to offer you a different story:

The Dog and the Cat

By: Toque

Once upon a time there was a dog and a cat. The dog was a very hard worker, the cat……not so much. The dog considered himself the security guard of the home, and took his post very seriously. The cat considered herself the boss and expected others to take her post seriously. The dog worked hard at learning new tricks in the hopes of getting treats. The cat awoke from naps and got treats. The dog brought humans slippers and newspapers in exchange for belly rubs. The humans knew better than to touch the cat’s belly, but if the cat desired, she got a scratch under the chin. The dog was trained to go to the bathroom outside. The cat trained the humans to pick up after her inside.  No matter how well behaved he was, the dog was routinely told to stay off the couch. The cat used the couch as her scratching post. The dog patiently waited everyday for dinner time; the cat let people know when it was dinner time. And at dinner time the dog was chastised for anything that even remotely resembled “begging”. The cat, on the other hand, was always offered some of what everyone else was eating—as long as she sat quietly and feigned disinterest.

At the end of a long day the dog was given a “doggy bed” to curl up in, while the humans pretzeled themselves around the cat in the “human bed”.

Moral of the story? Work smart, Kittens, not hard. Find what you’re good at and exploit it. Cats just happen to be good at being cats—a dog may try but he can never compare.

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥

Going Fishing…..According to Toque

Kittens, you already know my opinion of choosing a mate and pairing up: there are plenty of fish in the sea, so feast and move on!  But I know that some of you out there are still looking for that one special fish, to fall in love and grow old with. To this I say: have you ever met a fish? Like really made the acquaintance of one? Because they are gross. Their lips are cold, their eyes are always off to the side and wondering and you can never be sure if they’re with you because they truly love you or because you’ve trapped them in a bowl, so to speak. I always have the feeling with some fish that as soon as you let them out of their bowl, for any reason, they’re going to swim away. As a cat I don’t really see the point in keeping a fish in a bowl anyway—bowls are for eating out of. Which brings me back to my first point: FEAST AND MOVE ON.

Still, if this is the kind of relationship you are looking for (a damp one, I guess) then I thought I could help you out. You see, Kittens, you have to ensure you are meeting the right kind of fish for you, so you need to know how to navigate in the different ponds. With this, at least, I can point you in the right direction.

I am only going to mention the main ones, but there are A LOT of ponds out there. So read the following carefully, and don’t tread any water.

Pond # 1: A Coffee Shop. When you see your target in a coffee shop then the first thing we know right off the bat is: he likes coffee. He likes to stay awake during the day. Possibly to be productive in some way. Good!--this is good. The first thing you want to do is see what he’s doing while he drinks his coffee. Now, if he’s reading a book, or the newspaper then HELLZ YES go for it. Book smarts is crazy sexy. He’s probably more interesting then he looks, and also, chances are he’ll be able to teach you things, like why factory farming is bad and what the heck is going on in North Korea (like, what is going on with those guys?). If he’s listening to his ipod, talking on his phone or trying to make polite conversation with strangers then steer clear of him. This guy isn’t content with his own company, so if you bag this fish you probably won’t get any alone time either. Also, this guy is addicted to white noise, so chances are he is addicted to other things as well. I’m not necessarily talking about drugs here, I’m more talking about TV, video games and…..porn.

Now, if he’s on his laptop you’re going to want to go in “yellow light” mode. There are two ways this could go down. You see, the open laptop at the coffee shop doesn’t carry the same stigma that it did before. For example, that laptop could be his paper-less newspaper. Maybe he just cares about trees. Don’t you want to date that guy?

The best thing to do would be to try and casually look over his shoulder to actually see what he’s doing on his laptop. If he’s catching up on world news, it’s a go. If he’s online shopping for Star Wars paraphernalia then you can assume this guy is riding it out in a coffee shop because his mom kicked him out of the basement for awhile. Probably because she was sick of all the Star Wars paraphernalia. And rightly so. Now, be warned, Star Wars guy can sometimes have a boyish charm that is almost sweet but TRUST ME, it doesn’t last.

Throw this fish back.

How to bag the coffee drinker: Buy him a coffee, set it down in front of him and say “You look so engrossed in what you’re reading; I thought your coffee could use a top up. I hope it’s a good book?” and then let him tell you why it’s a good book. If he’s reading the paper, say “I hope you’re reading good news….?” If he’s reading world news then no, he’s not reading good news. But don’t worry, he’ll find your optimism and slight naiveté endearing.

Pond # 2: HMV (or any music/entertainment store). When casting your net out in one of these places it is very important to pay attention to not just where your target is browsing but to what he is browsing. This is the perfect opportunity to make sure your interests mesh. Is he in the science-fiction area? Does sci-fi bore you to tears? Ba-bye! For a similar catch as the reader in the coffee shop, hang around the documentary aisle, the world/foreign language aisle and the British Television aisle. Yes, I said British Telly. TRUST ME, if he can watch those sitcoms and understand what is going on enough to see the humour, he’s smart. And what did we say about smart? Sexy. See also: book store.

 (WARNING: some guys hang around these aisles to try and impress women. Make sure he knows what he’s looking at before you reel him in).

Pay attention to the guy browsing the same kinds of shows you’re interested in (well, mostly—if he’s looking at Gossip Girl don’t get too excited, check to see if he’s with his boyfriend first).

How to bag the DVD watcher: Look to see what he’s holding. Then go find all the other DVD copies of what he’s holding in the entire store and hide them (tip: no one looks in world music). Once every other copy is out of sight walk up to him and say something like “Please don’t tell me that’s the last copy of Fill in Blank! I’ve been looking everywhere for that!” When the two of you confirm that he is indeed holding the last visible copy, say coyly “Uh oh, we may have to share this one.” If you’re worried this is too forward, don’t be. Come on!—you didn’t wear your super cute outfit for DVD shopping, you wore it for fishing! He’s going to take one look at you and….yeah, he’s gonna share.

Pond # 3: The Grocery Store. This is becoming a popular hot spot for hopeful singles. I think it’s because single people, who live alone they….well they like to eat food. If they’ve given up then they’re going to be eating a lot of pizza, burgers and such but if they’re still hopeful then they’re going to be eating real food, and that’s where the grocery store comes in.

When targeting a man in the grocery store you’re going to first want to see what he’s shopping for. If he’s hanging around the chip and candy aisle then steer clear. Chips and candy for a lone shopper is just an extension of pizza and burgers. This guy probably wants a girlfriend but TRUST ME, he’s not going to know what to do with one. Check out the guy who seems to know his way around the produce aisle. This guy is a healthy eater and there’s a very good chance he knows how to cook. Especially if he’s buying things like cilantro, avocado and eggplant (although for some of these items check again to make sure he doesn’t have a boyfriend with him). The more adventurous his produce choices, the more I say HELLZ YES. Plus, guys who eat a lot of fruit taste better when you…..kiss them. Because, um, their breath is better…….ANYWAYS…..

How to bag the healthy eater: Watch to see what he picks out, then walk up to him and say “Oh my gosh! I actually have never tried cooking with Fill in Blank before but I would love to try--do you have a good recipe?” Tell him if he shows you his, you’ll show him your…..stuffed pepper recipe. Don’t worry if you don’t have any recipes to swap—I mean, how hard can it be to stuff a pepper?

Pond # 4: The office. As you can imagine, this is a tricky one. I wasn’t even sure if I should include it but there are enough stories of successful office romances out there that I thought it was a credible pond worth mentioning. So here it goes: fishing in the office.

When targeting a co-worker it is important to take a few things into consideration. Mainly, their position in the company, their salary and where they are physically in the office. Their position matters because it is never a good idea to start dating your boss, manager, supervisor etc. There is a power struggle there that too often spills over into the relationship.  Unless you are his boss in some way. I find if you’re above him then it isn’t really a problem….for you. You have to take their salary into consideration for a lot of the same reasons as considering their position. You want your salaries to be as equal as possible, so that you don’t feel as bad when he pays for all your dates. And finally, you want to consider where he physically resides in the office. Does he sit right beside you? If so then you probably want to throw this fish back, because there are only two ways this can end. One: you break up and you still have to see his face EVERY FUCKING DAY. Two: you get married and you have to see his face twice EVERY FUCKING DAY—once at the office and again at home. **shudder** Different department office romances work best, preferably on different floors. Or in different buildings.

How to bag your co-worker:  You both work in the same place, so you probably already have something in common: you’re both overworked, underpaid and underappreciated. Men like to be built up and tend to identify themselves with their job. So all you have to do is go up to him and say “Hey, good job on that whatever project he worked on. You must be moving up around here if they trusted you with that. I’d love to pick your brain on the whatever big project is coming up next” OR “I’d love to work with you on whatever project you’re working on now.” Flattery and inputting an excuse to spend more time with him—it’s a two for one.

Pond # 5: The Animal Shelter. I understand that some dogs and cats stay in a, sort of, co-op type of accommodations when they don’t have a room mate. I say “co-op” because these establishments rely heavily on donations and volunteers to keep their charges’ quality of life up to par. I think this is a great place to go fishing because no matter what he’s doing there he’s a good catch: is he there looking for a new room mate? CATCH! Is he there volunteering? CATCH! Is he there working with the shelter’s occupants? CATCH! Is he a veterinarian? CAAAAATCH! It’s hard to go wrong with this one.

How to bag the animal lover: This one’s a no-brainer! Just go up to him and start bragging about your feline room mate. From her you’ll have a plethora of conversation starters and he’ll be impressed you keep such sophisticated company. It’s not hard to impress people once you’ve revealed you share your living space with a cat. People are naturally impressed by this. Soooooo if you currently do not share your home with a cat, don’t you think it’s time you did? And if you’re worried or jealous that once you bag your fish and carry him home your feline room mate will get her claws in him, OH HONEY, PLEASE.  You and she are fishing in COMPLETELY different ponds, looking for a completely different catch. So no worries.

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥