Right off of Valentine’s, another pseudo-holiday approaches: St. Patrick’s Day. It is arguable that if Valentine’s is exclusively for couples, then St. Patrick’s Day is exclusively for singles. This is because it is a night to dress up, go out and mingle. Anyone holding a drink or wearing green is fair game—it’s the one night a year we wear signs and clothing inviting people to kiss us based on our ethnicity. This all points to a sexy single having a better night out than a constricted couple. That’s not to say someone in a relationship won’t have fun on St. Patrick’s Day—they just have to remain a little more vigilant. Otherwise, don’t be mad at me if I kiss your boyfriend—his t-shirt told me to.
There’s another key difference between Valentine’s and St. Patrick’s Day that I would like to point out. And that is, simply. I like St. Patrick’s Day better. Much better. It’s one of my favourite fake holidays. And I feel a little protective of it. I don’t like to see it disrespected, or defiled. When certain people do not act appropriately it can potentially ruin the night for everyone else. Now, in my infinite feline patience, I understand that some of you don’t realize when you’re ruining someone else’s night—perhaps you have no self awareness or you were simply raised poorly—so I thought maybe I could help. I can offer you tips on how to behave on a pub night as big as St. Patrick’s Day so you can wake up March 18th with your self-respect, friendships and underwear, intact.
Tip # 1 Fake it. Not everyone in the whole wide world is Irish. Obviously. But everyone in the whole wide world is Irish on March 17th. And everybody knows this. From to on that day when you are asked if you are Irish, the correct answer is a resounding YES. Forget blondes, it’s the Irish that are having more fun. If in fun you want to partake, then it’s Irish style you’ll need to fake.
Tip # 2 If you’re drinking, know your limit. For everyone it’s different, but I say if you’re old enough to go out drinking, then you should be old enough to know when you need to STOP drinking. For most the limit is somewhere between hugging strangers and topless table dancing. Don’t lose count of how many drinks you’ve had. That’s where the problem starts.
Tip # 3 Have a designated driver. To offer to be the designated driver on St. Patrick’s Day is a most noble gesture. To forego drinking to make sure your friends get home safe makes you a hero in my books (and cats don’t take hero-worship lightly!). Mostly though, this responsibility isn’t offered up. Mostly it’s whoever draws the short straw or loses the last round of “Rock Paper Scissors”. No matter how you decide who will be your hero of the night the important thing is that someone does play hero. Or, you need to set aside bus or cab fare (maybe in your sock?) so you don’t accidentally spend it on green jell-o shots. Because, Honey, you are going to be drinking WAY too much to worry about getting your drunk ass home. Unless you draw the short straw. Then you’re drinking water.
Tip # 4 Choose shoes you can actually wear. There are two things to consider when choosing your shoes for the night. The first is you need to be able to wear them until the end of the night. There are few sights in this world trashier than a girl walking down the street, barefoot, shoes in one hand and a street vendor hotdog in the other. Please don’t think I’m being a hater. I am speaking from experience. If you really want to wear the shoes but are not confident you can last the night in them, then the next best thing is to tuck a little pair of flats in your purse. The second thing to consider when choosing shoes is that you need to be able to walk in them. Not just walk, but drunk walk. Don’t think you can rely on your friends to lean on—they’ll be drunk too! Except the friend who drew the short straw. But, as the only sober one, she’ll be so annoyed with you by the end of the night chances are she’s not going to help you hobble down the street either.
Tip # 5 Learn some traditional Irish ditties. And then, when they are played at the pub, SING THEM. Sing your Irish heart out. Don’t hold back. Drinking and singing is what being Irish for a day is all about.
Tip # 6 Wear green. Honestly? On St. Patrick’s Day? Wear. Green. Even if you HATE green, wear it. Because it’s freakin’ St. Patrick’s Day. And on this very sacred day, no one likes that douche that refuses to wear at least some green. You know why? Come on, that guy’s a douche.
Tip # 7 Don’t wear TOO MUCH green. On the opposite end of the emerald scale, there are those that go out head to toe in green. And maybe their hair has been dyed for the occasion. And their face has been painted up like the Wicked Witch of the West. These people have no life. Don’t be these people.
Tip # 8 Confidence. No matter how you choose to ring in March 17th, make sure you have the utmost confidence in yourself, your Irish-ness and your very green-ness. For help with that look to your feline roommate. She is confident in her green-ness all year round. Her eyes hold a glint of an Irish rogue and her purr holds the rhythm of an Irish tune. Embrace this in yourself, and you won’t have to look to the end of a rainbow for a pot of gold—you won’t have to! Because guys are going to be buying you drinks all night long.
Unless you draw the short straw.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day!
Meow Meow For Now,
Toque ♥
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