Riding the TTC…..According to Toque

In a past blog  I spoke about the horrors of the Vomit Comet. If you would just bare with me, Kittens, I would like to talk about the TTC once more. Because I would like to talk about something close to my heart: being a considerate fellow rider.

When you are on a bus or train you are on public transportation--not private. You are not sitting in your living room, eating whenever you want, smelling however you want, scratching wherever you want, with the whole bloody couch to yourself. You are sharing these accommodations with others. Thus, you should behave accordingly.

Now, as I’ve said before we cats rarely, if ever, take public transportation—haha, please. But it has come to my attention that some of you—well, most of you—behave atrociously on what the government has now deemed a vital service. So, like always, I am here to help. I am going to offer you some tips on how to behave yourself on the TTC.

Tip #1. Bathe. I never thought I would have to put that down as a tip in a blog post but there it is. Apparently some of you just don’t understand. You may think it’s not noticeable but…..on a bus…during rush hour…in July….I hate to tell you this, but we can tell.

Tip #2. Do not bathe in perfume. Or cologne. Artificial scents are not a substitute for Tip #1. I know it can be hard to know when to draw the line between enough and too much so let me help you: Did you press down on the perfume nozzle for more than three seconds? TOO MUCH. Did you dip the perfume stick in the bottle more than once? TOO MUCH. Did you pick up the perfume at the Dollar Store for only a dollar? TOO MUCH! I find the rare times I’m on the bus or subway I’m either gagging on B.O. or gagging on perfume—can we not find a happy medium?

Tip #3. No one wants to hear your music. This one should be self-explanatory but for argument’s sake let me explain: Next time you’re on the TTC take a look around you. Do you see how some people have ear phones on and some don’t? The ones with the ear phones are listening to their own choice of music. The ones without ear phones don’t want to listen to any music at all. So what it amounts to is neither group wants to listen to your music. Get it?

Tip #4. No one wants to listen to your conversation, on the phone or otherwise. This is similar to Tip #3. Basically, the guy behind you doesn’t care that you’re hung over and late for work, or if you have a big crush on your best friend’s brother, or why the girl who does your nails is a slut….Why you feel the need to offer up this information publicly is beyond him, and it’s beyond me. Please try to keep your private life off of public transportation.

Tip #5. Do not take up the aisle with your baby carriage/back pack/groceries/dog/YOU. The aisle is for walking, kittens, WALKING. If you are stuck standing please move as far to the side as possible. Please take off your backpack. Please move your groceries to the side or even under your seat if possible. Please don’t endanger your child by leaving him trapped in a rolling contraption (seriously—even with the breaks on have you ever considered the danger of a sudden stop or even an accident??).  As for dogs….Ok, technically they are allowed on the TTC. But before inviting them along for the ride, please make sure they know better than to use the floor as their toilet, or their fellow riders as a chew toy. Uh, the same goes for your kid.

Tip # 6. Your fare only paid for the seat you’re sitting in—and sometimes it doesn’t even guarantee that. So if you have your bag beside you and you see the bus or subway car filling up around you, MOVE YOUR CRAP. If you see someone who needs a seat more than you do, say an elderly person, a pregnant woman, a guy with a cane, a pirate with a stump for a leg and a hook for a hand etc, MOVE YOUR ASS.

Tip #7. Treat the TTC as if it’s your home—unless at home you’re a slovenly pig. It’s really sweet of you to leave your newspaper behind for the next person to read. But if the next person wants to read, chances are they’ll bring their own reading material. The same goes for your half finished cup of coffee, your empty food wrappers, your scratched Bingo tickets—even your gum. So, you can probably just take all that with you when you get to your stop.

Tip #8. SSSSH! When you are trying to make polite conversation and the other person is reading/listening to music/ignoring you, take the hint. Whatever small town you’re from just forget it—you’re in the T-Dot now Kiddo. In the big city you have to be content with your own company once and a while. If you need help with that just take a page from your feline room mate’s book. Do we bother you when you’re busy?....well, ok, maybe sometimes we do. But that’s not the point.

What you need to observe is our contentment with ourselves. Our ability to go for hours without being outwardly annoying. If you have never been able to harness the art of not annoying people and you don’t have a feline room mate to teach you, I suggest you let one adopt you today! After all, you can never really know how to ignore people properly until you have been properly ignored by a cat.

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥