I know a thing or two about men. Ok, I know what you’re thinking, How could a cat know anything about anything?? Well, I’m not some silly little house pet you know. First of all, I live in a condo-as in condominium. Alright? I don’t go outside, on the end of some leash, I stay inside, and lounge around on the couch. That’s right, I’M ALLOWED ON THE COUCH. And I don’t have some human owner. I can’t even imagine using that word, it’s disgusting. I do however, have a room mate. Coincidentally she is human. But I don’t hold it against her. She keeps the place somewhat tidy, cleans my litter pan, keeps my food and water dishes full, gives me treats…and in return I share my bed with her. It’s the perfect relationship really. Simpatico.
But wait, I’m off topic now. You were asking me something about men. Well honey, I know a thing or two about men. For the most part, I hate them. No no, I’m not some man-hating power woman-men are good for some things, actually they’re good for a few things in a few different positions but for the most part they’re stupid and they’re weird and they smell bad. Really, it’s summer, it’s hot out buddy, it wouldn’t kill ya to take shower…it’s not against the law. Also, men are the number one reason I choose to be single. Like I said, men are good for a few things but I wouldn’t want one hanging around me all the time, racking up my phone bill with nonsense text messages, asking “Oh, where are you? Oh, what are you doing tonight? Oh, I miss you, Oh, I bought you this ring, I want to take you on a trip around the world, I can’t live without you, blah blah blah”. Seriously, it gets old. But, if you’re one of those girls that actually goes out looking for boyfriend then I have a few tips to help you out. Tip # 1 DON’T DO IT. Alright, alright I kid.
Tip # 1 Less is more. This tip applies to skin, make up and facial hair. For skin, a little leg is good. But summer is no excuse for you to be walking around in your underpants, or a skirt so short your vajay-jay is waving hello to everyone. Not sexy. The same goes for cleavage, muffin tops and back fat. You see, a little mystery is key; you want to give these guys just enough of a glimpse to get them to fantasize about what you look like naked. If you give them enough skin for them to actually be able to picture what you look like naked, then the fantasy’s over and they’re on to the next girl.
For makeup, a bit of colour that accents your features is good. Enough colour to accent your career in the circus, is not good. How do you know when you’ve gone too far in the make up department? When you’re asking yourself the question “Have I gone too far?” You’re cue to stop is when you ask yourself “Should I put on more?” The answer is always “no”. Period.
For facial hair, a bit of peach fuzz can actually be cute-IF YOU’RE A CAT! So, are you a cat? No? Then take care of that ‘stash Sistah.
Tip # 2 The art of disinterest. Followed by a little interest, followed by continued disinterest. You are in luck my friend. Cats are MASTERS of disinterest. The trick is to act like everyone around you is boring and stupid. That reels them in. It’s a game to men. A chase. They want to win over your interest. But men have a short attention span so, after a little while you do have to feign some interest, to keep them in the game. Then just when they think they’re winning, you have to go back to disinterest. To let them know you’re not that easy. Now, be warned, at any given social gathering you are going to have some stiff competition. There is always going to some girls there that are no good at disinterest. They will laugh at all the guy’s jokes and pretend to be in to sports and basically hang off every word these guys have to say. These girls are called sluts. Although in the long run these girls are harmless and only hurting themselves, in the short run, while you’re forced to compete with them for a guy’s attention, these girls are pests that need to be taken out at any cost. Try spilling red wine on their bargain-barn-too-much-skin-showing dress. That usually shuts them up.
Tip # 3 Don’t assume he’s paying for everything on your date. But, at the same time, MAKE HIM PAY FOR EVERYTHING ON YOUR DATE. Do you see what I mean? The faking for your wallet thing is out. Guys aren’t falling for it anymore. You actually have to physically remove your wallet from your purse and open it to let him see you have money. You have to let him see you’ve got things going on for you. You have to let him see you are an independent woman who doesn’t need a man. Then when he says “No no, let me pay the bill,” You have to say, “Oh no, that’s alright.” Then he will say “I insist,” to which you will reply, “Ok.” And then put your wallet away. Never to be seen again for the duration of this relationship.
Tip # 4 If it’s date # 1, there’s no boom-boom fun. I mean it ladies, this rule is what separates us from them-and by them I mean those idiot girls with red wine spilled down the front of their dress. I’m not talking about one night stands, here. A one night stand is harmless when you’re never going to see the guy again. But when you’re actually thinking about turning this first date into a maybe relationship, sex is out. Now, I’m not one of those gals that have a magic number, as in “you need to go on a blank number of dates before he can see you naked. I understand, different girls have different numbers that work for them. But here’s a hint: that number HAS TO BE GREATER THAN ONE. No exceptions. Well, there is one exception, let’s call her C. C brought a guy home for what she thought was going to be a one night stand and ended up with a smokin’ hot boyfriend who dotes on her and has his own car. This, ladies, is not the norm. It’s a fluke, actually C’s whole life is a fluke. She’s one of those girls it’s hard to be friends with. But I don’t hold it against her.
Tip # 5 Get a feline room mate-and forget about men. I am serious. We are so much less work than a boyfriend. We are clean, we are quiet, we don’t hog the remote and we don’t smell like whatever we had for dinner two nights ago. True, we won’t chip in for rent (paying rent is so lower class) but you know something? I know many girls who live with their boyfriends, and those guys don’t chip in for rent either. They’re too broke after buying pizza, beer and games for their Xbox. So really, with a cat, what have you got to lose?
Meow Meow For Now,
Toque ♥
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