Well, it smells. Yes, I know, cat’s have a heightened sense of smell so of course I would complain, but the odour I am talking about should be detectable by even the most human of senses. Next time you have the misfortune of riding Toronto
Now, as a rule, cats do not usually take any kind of public transportation. (How so very blue collar!) I was, however, forced to take the all night bus (referred to by its riders affectionately as the Vomit Comet) recently during a rare cab shortage. And let me tell you: it was terrifying. But I did learn some helpful tips for riding this atrocity. As always, I will share them with you now. Tip # 1: Do not under any circumstances ride the Vomit Comet. Alright, alright, I kid.
Tip # 1: Assume everyone around you is drunk. The majority of Vomit Comet riders are drunk. And the majority of that majority cannot hold their drink. You could go crazy trying to figure out if any of the people around you are sober. That is why it is best to assume they are not and refrain from engaging in conversation. Because a conversation with a drunk stranger at always turns into a screaming match. Always. No exceptions.
Tip # 2: Don’t sit down. This is one of those rare times on public transportation where you may actually try to beat others to a good standing spot. You never want to sit because you don’t know who was sitting there before you. And what they sat in before they sat there. Or what they were eating. Or if they really had to go to the bathroom. Trust me, your outfit is way too nice for that kind of abuse.
Tip # 3 If your really cute but really new shoes are absolutely killing you and you really do absolutely have to sit down, do not sit in the window seat and let somebody box you in. This goes back to Tip # 1. Assume that person sitting beside you is drunk and therefore wants to a) start a fight with you, b) come on to you, c) fall asleep on you, making it difficult for you to get off at your stop or d) all of the above. Kittens, as a survival strategy, assume D!
Tip # 4 Keep your ear buds in and your eyes down. Just because you are refraining from conversation, doesn’t mean the people around you are. Remember, drunken people like the sound of their own voice. And they assume you do too. The best thing for you to do is to not react to anything around you and pretend you are listening to music, while reading a book. Obviously you are not listening to music, nor reading a book. Because actually you don’t want to miss the free show going on around you, nor miss the funny story you’re going to tell your friends the next day. The story about the drunk guy, who fell over when the bus came to a red light, and when he tried to get up another drunk guy stepped on his hand, and then as they got into a fight a drunk girl in the back started ralphing…….
Tip # 5 Breathe through your mouth. I know I already mentioned the smell at the beginning of this post, but trust me, it’s worth mentioning again.
Tip # 6 If you’re on the all night bus and you aren’t being annoyed by all the drunks-or if you’re even surprised at the lack of drunks, then be warned: you’re drunk!! Keep your eyes straight ahead, your mouth shut and your hands tight around a pole. Don’t talk to anyone and don’t think too much about puking. Just stay cool. You’ll get through this. Just pay attention and don’t miss your stop.
Tip # 7 Rethink going out in the first place. Look how comfy your feline roommate looks stretched out on the couch. Doesn’t she look peaceful? Don’t you want to join her? If you stay home with a cat I can guarantee the cat won’t start a fight with you, try to pick you up or shout into a cell phone all the details of the aMAYzing party they just came from. I can’t guarantee the cat won’t puke, but better a hairball in the hallway then street meet on your shoes.
Meow Meow For Now,
Toque ♥
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