Oh yes Kittens, it’s that time of year again. It’s time to put a ridiculously large, anti-feng shui plant that doesn’t go with any of you furniture right in the middle of your living room.
Well, not right in the middle. Most people try to keep it off to the side, for convenience. But the joke’s on them because, as a cat, cohabitating with a human, I can tell you, there is nothing convenient about these things.
Some people keep plastic versions in storage for just such an occasion (classy) and some people actually go out and drag a dead tree home (double classy). Either way, the result is the same-a giant plant in the house. If you’re a traditionalist and you simply must have one, straight through to the New Year, then there are ways to make it bearable, even almost pretty. And since I’ve actually seen trees with pop corn strung on them, I’ve decided to offer my assistance, via some decorating tips. Because pop corn was meant to be eaten, not growing stale strung across a plant.
Tip # 1 No pop corn. No candy canes. Nothing edible. It’s wasteful. And cruel. Yes, it’s cruel to dangle food four or five feet above someone’s head and then forbid them from climbing up to get it.
Tip # 2 Tinsel. Speaking of edible and inedible…..Kittens, do not eat the tinsel. No matter how shiny it is or how much it can look like a mouse’s tail. Trust me: yummy tinsel=sad tummy.
Oh!-Who am I kidding?? Tinsel is too wonderful to resist! So, if you don’t want the vet bill then just skip the tinsel all together. Sigh.
Tip # 3 Lights. It’s actually very common to see trees with lights of all different colours. Sometimes there isn’t even a decipherable pattern, just random twinkling, blinking colours. There’s just something about these rainbow strings of lights that scream KIDS LIVE HERE KIDS LIVE HERE.
For class, stick to one colour. For real class, make that colour a neutral.
Tip # 4 Ditto for garland. One neutral. Gold or silver. Pick one.
Tip # 5 Balls. Big Balls. (oh grow up). Every designer tree always has a few big, strategically placed balls. The number of these big balls depends on the size of the tree-for average sized trees you don’t want more than five. They are surrounded by smaller balls and other ornaments that coordinate in colour. You do not have to stick to one colour for this, as long as the colours you do choose compliment each other. Hint: red and green do NOT compliment each other. Think about it.
Tip # 6 Hand made decorations. Popular with family oriented trees. Frankly, I don’t see the charm. A kid glues dry macaroni to a piece of construction paper, covers it in glitter and hangs the whole monstrosity on a string and his parents are supposed to act all thrilled? Well, one thing’s for sure. These hand made decorations sure go great with rainbow lights.
Tip # 7 The top of the tree. Look, I know my place. I am not about to get into the middle of the great Star VS Angel debate. That debate has been going on since the dawn of this asinine tradition and I have no delusions that one little cat (some would even say petite cat) is going to bring an end to that battle. Although, it would be nice to finally have peace at Christmas. If you’re like me, and you just want to see an end to the Star/Angel war (and why wouldn’t you? Haven’t enough people been hurt?) then I have a few fresh alternatives you can take your stand with: the tree top could have ribbons, bows, jingle bells, a framed picture of you and your feline roommate, or, my personal favourite, a Santa Hat.
Tip # 8 Security. You HAVE to make sure that whole thing is not going to topple over. Invest in a good base and stand and use string to secure it to the walls and ceiling. Because when you take a running leap into that thing, climb it, pull on the branches, etc. you have to be sure it’s going to stand strong. It cannot come down on you every time you want to play in it.
And what else is there to do with it but play? Isn’t playing what Christmas is all about?
Meow Meow For Now,
Toque ♥
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