Break-Ups……….According to Toque

Break-ups are messy at the best of times. I’ve broken more than a few hearts so I would know. The thing about break-ups is: they’re always messy, they’re always a long time coming and they’re rarely mutual. Yet, if you were paying attention during the relationship you would realize they’re also always mutual. Do you see what I mean?

Break-ups are always mutual because if you’re smart you usually know when it’s time to end things, when inevitably things will end and when the end is over due. If you can remember this then it may help the mourning period go a little faster, a little smoother and little easier……….on your friends.

Still, no matter how much you know the break-up was for the best, sometimes the transition from a relationship to the single life is a difficult one. Although, as a cat, I’ve never experienced a break-up I didn’t get over in an afternoon, I understand that for you guys, a break-up works slightly differently. I thought since I’ve never come across a break-up I couldn’t whip into shape I would share some insight and offer some tips on how to get through this difficult time quickly and efficiently, so you can start reaping the benefits of the break-up. Mainly, your new and improved single status……

Tip # 1: Go ahead and cry. You might be surprised I am offering this as a tip since cats are notoriously dry eyed. But, again, I understand humans work slightly differently and during times of turmoil you guys like to empty out your tear ducts into tissues/hankies/sleeves. It may be that you really do need to just sit down and have a good cry, so why not? It’s better to get it out and over with. I find the longer you put it off the worse it can be. If you let it out ASAP you may only waste, like, an afternoon on it. If you wait and hold it all in, then when it does come pouring out you could lose your whole weekend to it. And you do NOT want to lose your first weekend as a single girl on any blubbering, trust me. If you successfully hold it in through the weekend, however, then come Momday……You’re only human (and I feel bad about that, I do) so there’s no stopping it. Just grab some tissues, set aside some time, hunker down and get ‘er done!

Tip # 2: This is no time for carbs! This isn’t a rom-com where you need a quick montage of you sitting around, eating ice cream out of the tub, ordering an extra large pizza for yourself and sucking whip cream from the can. This is REAL life—take it from a blogging cat! And in real life all those carbs go straight to your ass! I know break-ups are hard but they are no excuse for junk food and booze. In fact, there never was a better excuse for fruits and vegetables, antioxidants and exercise. After all, if you are modeling your life after rom-coms then you already know: you WILL run into your ex when you least expect it. So start prepping NOW.

Tip # 3: Recruit your friends. No woman is an island. You’re going to want your friends there to get you through the worst of it. Obviously you don’t want them there for the crying part—gross—but for everything else friends can prove quite useful. They can help you forget the person you just broke up with. How do they do this? Simple. By helping you remember. Your friends are there to remind you what a bone-head he was. How he didn’t know how to dress. How he wore his hair weird. How he wasn’t even that good in bed (isn’t it funny how post- break-up he was NEVER that good in bed?). Without your friends there berating you with his many many many faults you may delude yourself into thinking you miss something about him. Left to your own devices you may start remembering that one time, maybe a week into the relationship, he did something random, like bring you flowers or something equally cheesy. You need your friends to remind you that random acts of kindness, a relationship does not make! If you have no friends then please see Janet Jackson’s video for “What Have You Done for Me Lately”, link below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r9uizdKZAGE&ob=av2e

Tip # 4: Get rid of his stuff. All of it. ASAP. Everything from his clothes to his toothbrush to his hair in your drain. Everything must go! Put it in a box a leave it where you can’t see it.  If you like, you can tell him to pick it up and leave it with your concierge. If your building is less fancy you can just leave it in your lobby. If your building is even less fancy then you can leave it outside and let the universe take care of it. The moment your break-up becomes official his property is no longer your concern. And shame on him for trusting his crap with his ex anyway! What is he, an idiot? (Write that down, Idiot) your home is not his storage locker.

Tip # 5: Lose his number. Just erase it from your memory—and your phone. If you can’t bring yourself to do it then change his name in your phone to something that helps you think twice. A friend of a friend changed her ex’s ID to “You’ll Regret this Later” which I thought was quite clever. You can also try “Forgot my Birthday”, “Never Liked his Friends” and “Wasn’t that Good in Bed.” If he’s the one doing the dialling then maybe change his name to “Let this Shit go to Voice Mail”.

Tip # 6: Go make with the pretty pretty. Go get your hair done, nails done, face done. Go get your wardrobe revamped if possible. Pretend as if your next facebook profile pic is going to be the next cover of Vogue magazine. But let me make one thing perfectly clear: this has NOTHING to do with him. This is for you my kittens. How many times do I have to tell you, you need to feel pretty for you? You—no one else. Look at your feline room mate. Do you see her prettying herself up for some man? Oh, hellz no.

Tip # 7: I’ll bet you think this is the part where I tell you to invite a cat to be your new room mate if you haven’t yet. Well, you’re wrong, I’m not going to do that. Getting a cat to help get over a break-up is pathetic. And I’m not going to be responsible for encouraging some crazy cat lady. You might want to wait until you get through your mourning period, before you make a big decision like inviting another living being into your home.

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥

Life Lessons from a Dog……….According to Toque

I know this is a very strange subject to broach for a cat. But recently (and I hope you’re sitting down for this) I have made the acquaintance of not one but two dogs and I have just been fascinated with their way of life--with their very culture really. Most of what I’ve seen has been atrocious but I did pick up a few lessons I honestly thought we could all benefit from. (I know—go figure). 

The two dogs that made my acquaintance, themselves are fascinating enough. The older one is a Chihuahua that just has this attitude I never knew a dog could possess. Like I said, he’s just a Chihuahua but he walks around like he’s a Rottweiler or a Great Dane or a Cat (I mean, please). The younger one is a Yorkie-Poo. That one? Dumb. As. Soup. And not one of your high end soups either, no wild mushroom at $15 a bowl from her. Nope. Think canned tomato, no name brand. Crackers not included. Her soup worthy IQ may have something to do with her breeding. I’m not just talking about her cross-breeding, although I do wish humans would stay out of another species lineage as the result often is both health and IQ problems—but I’m also suspicious if you were to research this particular dog’s family tree, the tree would have no branches, it would just go straight up. Before she ended up cohabitating with the cat-like Chihuahua I’m sure she was sharing a water bowl with her uncle-brother-dad. But I digress. I still learned some good tips from her on living well, surprisingly. I decided that although the majority of a dog’s day to day is somewhat repulsive it was worth putting together a few life lessons, or tips for living well. Straight from the dog’s mouth, as it were.

Tip # 1: Smile. The dumb-as-soup Yorkie-Poo smiles all the time and I do mean all the time. Feed her, she’s smiling. Don’t feed her, she’s smiling. Praise her, she’s smiling. Scold her, she’s smiling. Watching her is exhausting, but there is something to it. Because she is always happy. Nothing gets her down. There was a brief moment with me where she was confused, when I nick-named her “Soup”. But then I explained it’s because she’s dumb as soup and she was happy again. In no way am I suggesting you just sit and smile if someone’s putting you down. GOD NO. But those moments where you’re in just a tad of a bad mood and you want to feel a little better? Just smile. Honestly. It really does make you feel better—there’s actual science behind it! (Don’t ask me to explain the science).

Tip # 2: Keep your bad mood in check. Those times when a forced smile won’t do the trick, just keep to yourself for awhile. You shouldn’t be taking it out on others. I gathered this tip from my acquaintance with the cat-like Chihuahua. Not because he lives by this rule, but because I observed that he really should. Have you ever heard the saying “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you”? ‘Cause he hasn’t. I mean, most of the time he can be an alright enough guy, but when he gets in his moods he can be a real—you know the “C-word”? C is for Chihuahua.

Tip # 3: Love the one you’re with. My roommate and I have always had an understanding. She keeps the condo clean enough, makes sure food is brought on time and gives me attention on my terms, and in return I live with her. Most felines I know who cohabitate with humans have more or less the same set up. But dogs? OH MY GOD NO. They live with a human, sure, and she feeds and cleans up after them, naturally, but not once did they ever refer to her as their roommate. They instead informed me she was their mommy. (Retyping it here just now made me throw up a little in my mouth). What the hell is that?! You’re a grown dog and you call the woman you live with “mommy”? *shudder* Anyways, although I don’t approve of that unnatural relationship, at all, it got me thinking about how happy they are living with their mom—uh, roommate. They don’t just seek attention when they want it, but they also allow her to seek attention, even when they’re sleeping (which is like never, by the way). Made me think maybe I could be a little more appreciative of my roommate. Maybe. We’ll see.

Tip # 4: Eat. Yeah, I know you already know to eat, but try eating like a dog for a day. These dogs are NOT picky. They will eat anything and are grateful for every morsel. Ridiculously so. Am I saying eat everything that comes across your path? No. I’m saying when you have good food, eat it, be thankful and don’t waste. Only put on your plate what you need and what you  know you’ll finish, enjoy it without thinking about what you’d rather be eating and show your appreciation when you’re done. And like I said, these dogs eat whatever they want and they are both rocking svelte figures. Ok, I’m suspicious the dumb one has a thyroid condition, but still.

Tip # 5: All the world’s a stage. Now these two dogs are not perfect. By no means. I don’t want to repeat some of the things I saw, but suffice it to say, when they wanted to leave their mark; you would know when they’d been in a room. As soon as these two wanted something however, man could they act! They would act like they had been a couple of good dogs the whole time. Acting angelic to manipulate is something we cats are very familiar with, but I’m a complete amateur compared to these two. They could make their eyes go bigger—and I don’t just mean their pupils so they could see in the dark, I mean their whole eye ball would be wider, like they were in a cartoon. They would practice something called “sit pretty” (again, not the same as a cat’s version). They would even bow and shake paws. Of course I thought the whole ado was a little much but you know something? They got results! They got belly rubs; they got treats; they got to sit on the couch! It got me thinking again: when it serves your purpose it’s ok to put on a little act, no? The next time you want a deal in a store or want to move up in a line or you want the last slice of pizza remember: flattery, along with wide eyes and a smile, can go a long way. I’m just saying.

Tip # 6: Maybe—MAYBE—it’s not the most horrible thing EVER to share your life with a dog. Some of them—SOME—are alright. Not half bad. Like I said the Chihuahua I met is practically a cat so I didn’t find him quite as irritating as you’d think. Might I make a suggestion though? If you are thinking of opening up your home to a dog (and if I were you I’d think long and hard about that) as well as a cat (you still need a feline roommate to put you in your place) try meeting one at a shelter, one that really needs a home I mean. The ones you meet in a shelter seem to be smart enough. And they can be pretty appreciative once you get them home. Also, I think the C-word Chihuahua and the soup-stupid Yorkie-Poo are living proof that a breeder isn’t always going to introduce you to the best of the best, am I right?

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥

Halloween…..According to Toque

I am not entirely sure I like Halloween all that much. When this sort of, pseudo-holiday comes around you people eat way too much sugar, you encourage your impressionable children to go ahead and knock on the doors of complete strangers, and you become ridiculously obsessed with cats.

Now, don’t get me wrong, we cats don’t mind a kind thought now and then. A little scratch behind the ear, perhaps. Some treats, some pampering. I’m aware that you  even have a bit of cat worship in your history, and believe me, I GET that. But obsessed? Come on! We’re always respectful of our living arrangements with you, but we still need our alone time. We need time to ourselves for our cat naps, and beauty sleep and catching a little shut eye when need be.

Despite this, I think my least favourite part of Halloween is, well…….sluts.

To those of you who think it’s perfectly ok to leave your house in nothing more than lingerie and a smile under the guise of a Halloween Costume, I say to you: Nope.

It did occur to me, however, that, as humans, you are at a slight disadvantage. You’re more or less, let’s say “average” 364 days of the year so how can you be expected to come up with a clever costume for this one day? For some of you it can be a difficult task--for the rest of you it seems impossible. So, I decided to lend some expertise. I’ve put together just a few tips to help you come up with a costume you’ll be proud to post pics of, come November 1^st.

Tip #1 No lingerie. What are you supposed to be, anyway? Ready for bed? And, if so, then who are you kidding? A more authentic costume would be a pair of old stretch pants and an over grown t-shirt. Lingerie is worn for a single purpose, and that purpose is to entice a second party to take it off. The faster you want it off the more you’ll spend on it. Leave the expensive nightie for something special—that house party of that guy you kinda know isn’t.

Tip #2 Yes Super Heroes. I actually like this idea, because for every lame male version there’s a hella cute girlie version. And, again, I’m not talking about the girlie version you can pick up at Victoria’s Secret. I’m talking about a good ole fashioned super hero—complete with props like swords, and shields and whips. For the super hero costume you are in no way limited to what you can get at a costume shop, or afford. It’s fun to get creative with this one, in terms of hair, makeup and accessories. You know, my roommate had a really cute idea this Halloween. She is going as…..actually, I’ll tell you after Halloween. For now, you can think of your own ideas.

Tip #3 No “Couples” Costumes. Why do I say no to this? Because you’re not on a TV sitcom. And you’re two individual people with (hopefully) two separate minds. When I see couples who have coordinated their costumes, or everyday clothes for that matter, I get ill. Physically ill. Unless they’re really attractive people. Let’s face it; the truly beautiful couples can get away with pretty much anything. But, do you know how cute you two have to be, as a unit, to pull this off??? Even if you, yourself, are crazy cute (and hellz ya, you know you are!) take a good, long look at your other half and really think this through.

Tip #4 Yes Witches. But only if executed respectfully. I don’t so much like seeing the witch costume of the ugly hag with the warts and cauldron and cackling and such. This representation is offensive, not to mention tacky. These women were known to have close partnerships with cats, now tell me this: what self-respecting feline would associate with this bat shit crazy hag who doesn’t know how to dress or partake in personal hygiene? Laughable. So who would we associate with? How about what a witch really was? A mature, wise, revered woman who wasn’t afraid to speak her mind and go after what she wants, even if it earned her titles like “wicked”, “unholy”, and “diva”. Now that’s a chick I’d partner up with. Also? She knew black was fashionable and slimming long before black was the new black.

Tip #5 No topical costumes. How many Lewinskys and Clintons do you think there were Halloween ’98? Tres boring. ‘Nuff said.

Tip #6 Yes Cats. Surprised? Ok, I know I said this time of year you guys become obsessed with us and it’s really trying, but it’s ok if you want to honour us via dress. After all, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, or whatever. So go ahead, be a copy cat. But, again, just make sure that it is done right. For help/inspiration look to your feline roommate. Observe her svelte figure. Take note of her delicate ears, whisper of whiskers and perfectly primped tail. Notice her glowing eyes—how she never has to raise her golden voice to get what she wants, she merely has to look at you. You’re going to want to get her haunting beauty and captivating personality just right. If you can’t pull off this level of sophistication, perhaps you should revisit the whole super hero idea.

Happy Halloween Kittens!

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥

The Five Stages of Grief…..According to Toque

As a cat, the concept of grief can be somewhat foreign to me. I mean, for the most part, my life is really easy. I eat and sleep and look pretty (very very pretty). But I do understand that grief is there, sometimes taking over the people in my life who mean the most to me. It is heart breaking for me to witness grief take over a friend. I feel so powerless. And cats HATE to feel powerless. (Well, powerless and wet). That is why I try never to accompany my friends when they are trying on clothes.

 Anyone who has ever been shopping experiences the Five Stages of Grief:

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression and

Acceptance

Sometimes one or more of these stages can be difficult to work through. So I thought a blog post dedicated to this would be helpful. So you can recognize the five stages of grief, and be able to work through them. And then be able to heal and move on.

Stage # 1 Denial. This is in the very beginning of the trying clothes on process (hence it’s stage one). This is when you refuse to believe what size pants you should be trying on, and you march into the change room with a pair that will inevitably not fit.

Stage # 2 Anger. Obviously, this is where you have tried the pants on and they are no where near fitting you….and YOU. ARE.  PISSED. What was the point of all those vegetables and all that running (well, walking, but still….!) if you can’t even get a simple pair of pants on?! There is no way this is your fault, a higher power is somehow out to get you. The world is against you!!

Stage # 3 Bargaining. You know what? You probably read the tag wrong. Haha, how silly, but it happens! You didn’t grab your size at all, you grabbed a kid’s pair. Tres drole! This is the part of the process where, right before you double check the tag, you begin talking to the higher power you were just cursing. You explain quickly that if the tag is wrong you will give up ice cream for good, always take the stairs instead of the elevator and start giving all your worldly possessions to charity.

Stage # 4 Depression. Well, you double checked the tag, and there it is. It’s definitely the size you thought you were, and you were definitely wrong. And these pants are definitely not fitting you. On the plus side you no longer have to give up all your worldly possessions, or ice cream. Which is good news, because when you get home you are planning to eat an ENTIRE bucket of ice cream on your own. While watching The Biggest Loser.

Stage # 5 Acceptance. This is when you are finally able to emerge from the change room with your head held high. You fling aside the pants that have now ruined your day, and you go get the damn pants in the next size up, or a few sizes up, depending on how deluded you were before stage # 1. In my humble opinion (ok, maybe humble isn’t the right word…) this is the best stage. So what if you’re a couple of sizes up? Who cares? It’s important to just accept yourself and move on. Look at your feline roommate—she never worries about pant sizes, and she is perfectly content with herself. She simply accepts herself. Come to think of it, she accepts you just the way you are too. Sometimes a cat’s acceptance can help you along, so if you don’t yet have a feline roommate consider inviting one to live with you today. And let the acceptance begin.

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥

Birthdays…..According to Toque

Today’s my roommate’s birthday. I won’t tell you her age, for the same reason I wouldn’t tell you her weight—because she is a lady. More importantly she is an independent woman entitled to her privacy. And more importantly if I told I’d be on the street. But she knows I know, and that’s enough to keep a roof over my head and my litter box clean.

As you know cats do not have birthdays. Ok, well, obviously we have birthdays, but we don’t celebrate them because we felines are ageless, and we expect to be treated like we’re special every day of the year, not just one. But for those of you who do celebrate your birthdays, I thought I’d offer some tips. Some tips on turning a year older gracefully, with minimal regret the next morning.

Tip #1 Don’t get so drunk you blackout, forget you have a boyfriend or forget you’re not Beyonce on karaoke night. A nice buzz is all right, as long as you are still in charge of yourself and your surroundings. Bubbly birthday girls are cute, drunken birthday girls are tacky. Besides, you take so long to figure out what you’re going to wear that night, why spill beer all down the front of it? And speaking of your birthday suit….

Tip #2 Dress your age. The age you just turned, not the age you tell people you turned. And no matter what age you are, you really should be keeping all breasts, bums and muffin tops covered enough to leave something to the imagination. Too much of a good thing is tacky on everybody, no matter their age.

Tip # 3 Get free stuff. This is no time to be shy about your birthday. Use it to your advantage to get some swag! There are plenty of places around Toronto alone that give out complimentary drinks, food and such if you show ID and prove it’s your birthday. Not to mention the guy behind the coffee counter, restaurant servers that want good tips, and good looking bartenders that want the birthday girl’s number. They should all be informed what day it is.

Tip # 4 Inform people, but don’t go overboard. Yes, everyone should know it’s your birthday and act accordingly, but don’t hold a grudge if everyone you know couldn’t get the day off work. (This applies especially to your coworkers; that would just look suspicious). For this reason I am a firm believer in the birthday week or, better yet, the birthday month. That way, even people who are busy on the actual day get to make it up to you. And you get to let them make it up to you—that’s like your present to them!

Tip # 5 Have a piece of cake. No diet should EVER come between you and your birthday cake. It is your day to have whatever you want for breakfast lunch and dinner, and snack in between, and that best include some cake. It’s only one day a year, you have another 364 days to hit the gym. See? No worries.

Tip # 6 Treat yourself like it’s your birthday, every day. You can’t wait for anyone else to do it so it’s up to you Kittens. You have to make sure you’re pampered and spoiled. And while you’re at it make sure you only surround yourself with people who act accordingly. With the exception of your feline roommate, of course. It’s her job to keep you humble, after all. We don’t want you to get carried away with yourself, jeesh.

That’s the other reason my roommate chooses to cohabitate with me, I think. She’s so fabulous that she needs my feline sensibilities to keep her feet on solid ground. She also needs my fashion sense to help her get ready for her birthday bash. She also needs my internal clock to tell her when it’s time to put food in my bowl, when it’s time to wake up and pay attention to me and when it’s time to leave me alone. See? She couldn’t get along without me.

She also needs me to once a year, tell her she’s fabulous. To tell her she’s smart, fun and beautiful. And to tell her I love her and to have the best birthday possible….via my tips. I love ya Babe, have a blast .

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥

Acceptance.....According to Toque

            Anyone who has ever been acquainted with a cat knows they do just fine on their own. Anyone who has ever been acquainted with me knows I do exceptionally well on my own. I’m a credit to my species the way I can spend the majority of my time with myself. I have never needed a man to complete me - or whatever bollocks the kids are saying nowadays. I’m sickened by how the media has been portraying relationships; the woman is independent, but lonely and we usually meet her right when she thinks her life is unraveling, for one reason or another, then she meets “The One” and her life falls into place. Just like that. It’s especially revolting when before “The One” shows up the woman actually liked being single, actually took interest in her career or even didn’t believe in romanticized love, because then the man gets to teach her why she is wrong.  

I always cry at the end of a rom-com, but I weep for the couple’s sanity, rather than their good fortune.

This portrayal has otherwise smart women waiting for their prince to come and untangle their lives. The problem with believing a man is going to swoop in and complete you is all the waiting you have to do before he gets there – if he gets there. I found that accepting he’s not coming is much more comforting, as it forces you to do all your living now, and to rely on your friends for a good night out, a memorable birthday or a kick ass Valentine’s Day. (Believe me, plan a Valentine’s dinner with your friends instead of a guy, and you will NOT be disappointed, every time).

I know this is hard for a modern woman to understand. I’m worried for you my Kittens, worried that you have been brain washed, particularly by a few of media’s Prince Charmings that you may be subconsciously waiting for. Well, I’m here to set you straight. Follow my tips to acceptance, and start living your life sans waiting.

Tip #1 Accept that Mr. Darcy is not coming. Please go out tonight instead of staying in and watching Bridget Jones for the umpteenth time. Surely by now you realise Mr. Darcy is not going to just “pop in” and help you make dinner. And thank God he doesn’t! – or he’d catch you in your pajamas (the “comfortable” pair) polishing off a pizza and watching a rom-com. Alone. Like some kind of addict. It’s better to accept this one’s not coming, not Mr. Darcy now and not Mr. Darcy from the 18^th Century. Just let it go, no matter how much he looks like an Oscar winning actor.

Tip #2 Accept that Mr. Big is not coming. I get dizzy thinking of all the ways Mr. Big was a horrible match for Carrie. And how it would have been much more empowering to see the show end with Carrie single – but the twist is, she’s actually happy and has high self-esteem…..Not that I watched the show. Or dressed up as a character for both movie premiers…..The problem with Mr. Big is he’s just an updated version of Prince Charming, minus the charm. He’s handsome (to some tastes) and rich (to all tastes) and he’s…well, he’s there, isn’t he? This one you really don’t have to wait for Kittens. We already have plenty of Mr. Bigs out there, just without the rich part. If it’s a pompous man you want, one who acts like royalty and will just go back and forth for a few seasons, disappear for a while, come back and toy with your emotions a little more…then just look around. Take your pick. But if you’re holding out for the Mr. Big who will treat you like crap but then buy you a condo, then don’t hold your breath.

Tip #3 Accept that Edward Cullen is not coming. Come on! – really??? How much belief did you have in this one? …. Well that’s just sad. No, ladies, this man is not going to swoop in, bite your neck and make your life magical. Oops, let me rephrase that: this high school student is not going to swoop in. And neither is the high school student who plays him. Let’s leave vampires and werewolves and whatever else goes bump in the night to the teenage girls, shall we?

Tip #4 Accept that Edward Lewis is not coming. The plot of Pretty Woman is a classic. Boy meets Girl. Boy pays Girl for sex. After Girl goes shopping and makes over herself Boy falls in love with Girl and decides to no longer pay her for sex. Also Boy is Richard Gere, and he is filthy rich. I’ve actually seen this one happen in real life – honestly! Except instead of Richard Gere, Boy was a teenage virgin, and instead of filthy rich, he used his allowance to pay Girl. But when he fell in love with her and she still wouldn’t kiss him on the mouth, he started crying and begged her not to tell his parents. Then Girl’s pimp told him his 15 minutes was up and he better go home. See? Classic.

Look – did you really think a handsome, rich business man was going to fall in love with you, but only after using you for sex? Have you ever even met a man???

Tip #5 Accept that McDreamy isn’t coming. Neither is McSteamy or McHouse or any other McTV Doctor you can think of. Drop dead gorgeous doctors only date other drop dead gorgeous doctors. Or nurses. Or other drop dead gorgeous hospital personnel. Why? Because they can! And, because it’s in the script. I see the appeal of this one, I really do. Who doesn’t want a handsome neurosurgeon, with a good head of hair to bring home flowers and tell them how their day of saving lives went. Better yet, how about the bad boy appeal of a crusty diagnostician with a juicy back story and piercing blue eyes to ride in on his motorcycle and give you a lift into the sunset – hell even I could give up my ever fulfilling single life for that. But when was the last time you went to the doctor, Kittens? Did your doctor fit either of those descriptions? I think the last time I had an appointment my doctor had a cane, but believe me that’s where the comparison ends.

Tip #6 Accept that dogs are dogs and cats are cats. Likewise, accept that men are men and women are women. I think if God had wanted men and women to live together, He wouldn’t have given men mouths. Well, that’s just my theory anyway. Rather than waiting for a man that you can stand long enough to let him complete you, you need to accept that you need to complete yourself. If you’re already too far gone and are unsure how then take pointers from your feline roommate (or your future feline roommate, depending) and learn to spend time with yourself. Learn the art of sleeping, eating, and grooming for you and only you. It’s very liberating. And you know what they say, you won’t find true love until you truly love yourself. See? Even I have a mushy side (it’s my belly, and if you touch it I’ll scratch your eyes out).

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥

Riding the TTC…..According to Toque

In a past blog  I spoke about the horrors of the Vomit Comet. If you would just bare with me, Kittens, I would like to talk about the TTC once more. Because I would like to talk about something close to my heart: being a considerate fellow rider.

When you are on a bus or train you are on public transportation--not private. You are not sitting in your living room, eating whenever you want, smelling however you want, scratching wherever you want, with the whole bloody couch to yourself. You are sharing these accommodations with others. Thus, you should behave accordingly.

Now, as I’ve said before we cats rarely, if ever, take public transportation—haha, please. But it has come to my attention that some of you—well, most of you—behave atrociously on what the government has now deemed a vital service. So, like always, I am here to help. I am going to offer you some tips on how to behave yourself on the TTC.

Tip #1. Bathe. I never thought I would have to put that down as a tip in a blog post but there it is. Apparently some of you just don’t understand. You may think it’s not noticeable but…..on a bus…during rush hour…in July….I hate to tell you this, but we can tell.

Tip #2. Do not bathe in perfume. Or cologne. Artificial scents are not a substitute for Tip #1. I know it can be hard to know when to draw the line between enough and too much so let me help you: Did you press down on the perfume nozzle for more than three seconds? TOO MUCH. Did you dip the perfume stick in the bottle more than once? TOO MUCH. Did you pick up the perfume at the Dollar Store for only a dollar? TOO MUCH! I find the rare times I’m on the bus or subway I’m either gagging on B.O. or gagging on perfume—can we not find a happy medium?

Tip #3. No one wants to hear your music. This one should be self-explanatory but for argument’s sake let me explain: Next time you’re on the TTC take a look around you. Do you see how some people have ear phones on and some don’t? The ones with the ear phones are listening to their own choice of music. The ones without ear phones don’t want to listen to any music at all. So what it amounts to is neither group wants to listen to your music. Get it?

Tip #4. No one wants to listen to your conversation, on the phone or otherwise. This is similar to Tip #3. Basically, the guy behind you doesn’t care that you’re hung over and late for work, or if you have a big crush on your best friend’s brother, or why the girl who does your nails is a slut….Why you feel the need to offer up this information publicly is beyond him, and it’s beyond me. Please try to keep your private life off of public transportation.

Tip #5. Do not take up the aisle with your baby carriage/back pack/groceries/dog/YOU. The aisle is for walking, kittens, WALKING. If you are stuck standing please move as far to the side as possible. Please take off your backpack. Please move your groceries to the side or even under your seat if possible. Please don’t endanger your child by leaving him trapped in a rolling contraption (seriously—even with the breaks on have you ever considered the danger of a sudden stop or even an accident??).  As for dogs….Ok, technically they are allowed on the TTC. But before inviting them along for the ride, please make sure they know better than to use the floor as their toilet, or their fellow riders as a chew toy. Uh, the same goes for your kid.

Tip # 6. Your fare only paid for the seat you’re sitting in—and sometimes it doesn’t even guarantee that. So if you have your bag beside you and you see the bus or subway car filling up around you, MOVE YOUR CRAP. If you see someone who needs a seat more than you do, say an elderly person, a pregnant woman, a guy with a cane, a pirate with a stump for a leg and a hook for a hand etc, MOVE YOUR ASS.

Tip #7. Treat the TTC as if it’s your home—unless at home you’re a slovenly pig. It’s really sweet of you to leave your newspaper behind for the next person to read. But if the next person wants to read, chances are they’ll bring their own reading material. The same goes for your half finished cup of coffee, your empty food wrappers, your scratched Bingo tickets—even your gum. So, you can probably just take all that with you when you get to your stop.

Tip #8. SSSSH! When you are trying to make polite conversation and the other person is reading/listening to music/ignoring you, take the hint. Whatever small town you’re from just forget it—you’re in the T-Dot now Kiddo. In the big city you have to be content with your own company once and a while. If you need help with that just take a page from your feline room mate’s book. Do we bother you when you’re busy?....well, ok, maybe sometimes we do. But that’s not the point.

What you need to observe is our contentment with ourselves. Our ability to go for hours without being outwardly annoying. If you have never been able to harness the art of not annoying people and you don’t have a feline room mate to teach you, I suggest you let one adopt you today! After all, you can never really know how to ignore people properly until you have been properly ignored by a cat.

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥

Resolutions.....According to Toque

Well Kittens, we’re coming to the end of the first month of the New Year. I am back from a short break and this seems the perfect time to look at all those well intended New Year’s resolutions. To see how well you were able to stick with them. So, how’d you do?

……..Well, don’t be too hard on yourselves. It happens to the best of us. (I mean the best of you, humans. As a cat, I don’t make resolutions. As a cat I don’t need to.) You make resolutions with the best intentions but somehow they fall to the sidelines, or get put on the backburner. Resolutions, like diets, are doomed to fail. (None more than the resolution to diet—that one always falls apart).  Part of the reason is the pressure you put on the resolution, and yourself, adds a stress factor to it all that you don’t need. Another problem—and I think the main problem—is the resolutions you guys come up with are unobtainable and RIDICULOUS. You humans have this belief that some huge change is going to change your whole life, which is not always the case. And almost always impossible to accomplish. Sometimes it’s the small changes that make the big differences in your life. I figure the end of January was the perfect time to help you guys out. It’s usually around this time you have pretty much given up on any resolutions and have wallowed sufficiently in your own failure and self pity. So, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and read my short list of February 1^st resolutions. Start making those small changes to day.

Resolution #1: Shop more. For stuff. And things. Lord knows you need more, right? How many times have you caught yourself saying “I wish I had a blank.”? Or “I am all out of blank.”? Or “These don’t fit, I need  a new pair of blank.”? Not having enough blank in your life is a direct result of not shopping. There is a solution here, GO SHOPPING. Start filling those blanks. With stuff.

Resolution #2: Sleep more. You humans only sleep, what? Eight to ten hours a day? Maybe? That’s despicable. And, it explains why you have circles around your eyes, why you have trouble losing weight and why your hair is falling out. I’ve told you before in a past blog how important this is. You need to start exercising what you’ve learned. Try sleeping at least 15 hours before you have to get up. Take a quick nap after you get up. And try to implement a nap program at your work. Your boss will be impressed with your initiative.

Resolution #3: Groom more. Splurge on a manicure. No matter how steady your hand is, nothing beats having someone else do it for you. The same goes for your hair. That feeling you have when you leave the salon? And you catch your reflection in a window? And you consciously flick your hair over your shoulder? SO worth the money. And besides, there are just some things you can’t do on your own. Example? Cut your own bangs (oh no honey, no).

Resolution #4: Read more. Easy enough, and doesn’t require too much of your time. (I can get through an entire Cosmo magazine in 20 minutes flat). Reading is a good way to educate yourself, on things like, hair, clothes, make-up, celebrities and men. You’ve already made a good start with my blog. Don’t forget the ads around my blog now, they’re not just there for decoration. Click on them for full impact. Unlike some activities, reading is never a waste of time. It is always worthwhile. You think about that, next time you’re watching the news.

Resolution #5: Go out more. By following my above resolutions you are now looking good, hopefully feeling good, you read more and stuff. It’s time to show yourself off. Share yourself with others. Don’t deny others the pleasure of knowing you. That’s selfish.

Resolution #6: Seek feline help with all of the above. Sometimes even easy, totally obtainable resolutions are intimidating. And it can be hard to know if you’re on the right track. That’s where your feline roommate would help you out. She can let you know when you are looking hot, or when you’ve put too much make-up on. When it’s time to read, or when it’s time to look at her. When it’s time to go out, or when it’s time to stay in and stay cuddled up in bed. A feline makes all the resolutions worthwhile, because who else are you going to share your accomplishments with?

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥