Birthdays…..According to Toque

Today’s my roommate’s birthday. I won’t tell you her age, for the same reason I wouldn’t tell you her weight—because she is a lady. More importantly she is an independent woman entitled to her privacy. And more importantly if I told I’d be on the street. But she knows I know, and that’s enough to keep a roof over my head and my litter box clean.

As you know cats do not have birthdays. Ok, well, obviously we have birthdays, but we don’t celebrate them because we felines are ageless, and we expect to be treated like we’re special every day of the year, not just one. But for those of you who do celebrate your birthdays, I thought I’d offer some tips. Some tips on turning a year older gracefully, with minimal regret the next morning.

Tip #1 Don’t get so drunk you blackout, forget you have a boyfriend or forget you’re not Beyonce on karaoke night. A nice buzz is all right, as long as you are still in charge of yourself and your surroundings. Bubbly birthday girls are cute, drunken birthday girls are tacky. Besides, you take so long to figure out what you’re going to wear that night, why spill beer all down the front of it? And speaking of your birthday suit….

Tip #2 Dress your age. The age you just turned, not the age you tell people you turned. And no matter what age you are, you really should be keeping all breasts, bums and muffin tops covered enough to leave something to the imagination. Too much of a good thing is tacky on everybody, no matter their age.

Tip # 3 Get free stuff. This is no time to be shy about your birthday. Use it to your advantage to get some swag! There are plenty of places around Toronto alone that give out complimentary drinks, food and such if you show ID and prove it’s your birthday. Not to mention the guy behind the coffee counter, restaurant servers that want good tips, and good looking bartenders that want the birthday girl’s number. They should all be informed what day it is.

Tip # 4 Inform people, but don’t go overboard. Yes, everyone should know it’s your birthday and act accordingly, but don’t hold a grudge if everyone you know couldn’t get the day off work. (This applies especially to your coworkers; that would just look suspicious). For this reason I am a firm believer in the birthday week or, better yet, the birthday month. That way, even people who are busy on the actual day get to make it up to you. And you get to let them make it up to you—that’s like your present to them!

Tip # 5 Have a piece of cake. No diet should EVER come between you and your birthday cake. It is your day to have whatever you want for breakfast lunch and dinner, and snack in between, and that best include some cake. It’s only one day a year, you have another 364 days to hit the gym. See? No worries.

Tip # 6 Treat yourself like it’s your birthday, every day. You can’t wait for anyone else to do it so it’s up to you Kittens. You have to make sure you’re pampered and spoiled. And while you’re at it make sure you only surround yourself with people who act accordingly. With the exception of your feline roommate, of course. It’s her job to keep you humble, after all. We don’t want you to get carried away with yourself, jeesh.

That’s the other reason my roommate chooses to cohabitate with me, I think. She’s so fabulous that she needs my feline sensibilities to keep her feet on solid ground. She also needs my fashion sense to help her get ready for her birthday bash. She also needs my internal clock to tell her when it’s time to put food in my bowl, when it’s time to wake up and pay attention to me and when it’s time to leave me alone. See? She couldn’t get along without me.

She also needs me to once a year, tell her she’s fabulous. To tell her she’s smart, fun and beautiful. And to tell her I love her and to have the best birthday possible….via my tips. I love ya Babe, have a blast .

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥

Acceptance.....According to Toque

            Anyone who has ever been acquainted with a cat knows they do just fine on their own. Anyone who has ever been acquainted with me knows I do exceptionally well on my own. I’m a credit to my species the way I can spend the majority of my time with myself. I have never needed a man to complete me - or whatever bollocks the kids are saying nowadays. I’m sickened by how the media has been portraying relationships; the woman is independent, but lonely and we usually meet her right when she thinks her life is unraveling, for one reason or another, then she meets “The One” and her life falls into place. Just like that. It’s especially revolting when before “The One” shows up the woman actually liked being single, actually took interest in her career or even didn’t believe in romanticized love, because then the man gets to teach her why she is wrong.  

I always cry at the end of a rom-com, but I weep for the couple’s sanity, rather than their good fortune.

This portrayal has otherwise smart women waiting for their prince to come and untangle their lives. The problem with believing a man is going to swoop in and complete you is all the waiting you have to do before he gets there – if he gets there. I found that accepting he’s not coming is much more comforting, as it forces you to do all your living now, and to rely on your friends for a good night out, a memorable birthday or a kick ass Valentine’s Day. (Believe me, plan a Valentine’s dinner with your friends instead of a guy, and you will NOT be disappointed, every time).

I know this is hard for a modern woman to understand. I’m worried for you my Kittens, worried that you have been brain washed, particularly by a few of media’s Prince Charmings that you may be subconsciously waiting for. Well, I’m here to set you straight. Follow my tips to acceptance, and start living your life sans waiting.

Tip #1 Accept that Mr. Darcy is not coming. Please go out tonight instead of staying in and watching Bridget Jones for the umpteenth time. Surely by now you realise Mr. Darcy is not going to just “pop in” and help you make dinner. And thank God he doesn’t! – or he’d catch you in your pajamas (the “comfortable” pair) polishing off a pizza and watching a rom-com. Alone. Like some kind of addict. It’s better to accept this one’s not coming, not Mr. Darcy now and not Mr. Darcy from the 18^th Century. Just let it go, no matter how much he looks like an Oscar winning actor.

Tip #2 Accept that Mr. Big is not coming. I get dizzy thinking of all the ways Mr. Big was a horrible match for Carrie. And how it would have been much more empowering to see the show end with Carrie single – but the twist is, she’s actually happy and has high self-esteem…..Not that I watched the show. Or dressed up as a character for both movie premiers…..The problem with Mr. Big is he’s just an updated version of Prince Charming, minus the charm. He’s handsome (to some tastes) and rich (to all tastes) and he’s…well, he’s there, isn’t he? This one you really don’t have to wait for Kittens. We already have plenty of Mr. Bigs out there, just without the rich part. If it’s a pompous man you want, one who acts like royalty and will just go back and forth for a few seasons, disappear for a while, come back and toy with your emotions a little more…then just look around. Take your pick. But if you’re holding out for the Mr. Big who will treat you like crap but then buy you a condo, then don’t hold your breath.

Tip #3 Accept that Edward Cullen is not coming. Come on! – really??? How much belief did you have in this one? …. Well that’s just sad. No, ladies, this man is not going to swoop in, bite your neck and make your life magical. Oops, let me rephrase that: this high school student is not going to swoop in. And neither is the high school student who plays him. Let’s leave vampires and werewolves and whatever else goes bump in the night to the teenage girls, shall we?

Tip #4 Accept that Edward Lewis is not coming. The plot of Pretty Woman is a classic. Boy meets Girl. Boy pays Girl for sex. After Girl goes shopping and makes over herself Boy falls in love with Girl and decides to no longer pay her for sex. Also Boy is Richard Gere, and he is filthy rich. I’ve actually seen this one happen in real life – honestly! Except instead of Richard Gere, Boy was a teenage virgin, and instead of filthy rich, he used his allowance to pay Girl. But when he fell in love with her and she still wouldn’t kiss him on the mouth, he started crying and begged her not to tell his parents. Then Girl’s pimp told him his 15 minutes was up and he better go home. See? Classic.

Look – did you really think a handsome, rich business man was going to fall in love with you, but only after using you for sex? Have you ever even met a man???

Tip #5 Accept that McDreamy isn’t coming. Neither is McSteamy or McHouse or any other McTV Doctor you can think of. Drop dead gorgeous doctors only date other drop dead gorgeous doctors. Or nurses. Or other drop dead gorgeous hospital personnel. Why? Because they can! And, because it’s in the script. I see the appeal of this one, I really do. Who doesn’t want a handsome neurosurgeon, with a good head of hair to bring home flowers and tell them how their day of saving lives went. Better yet, how about the bad boy appeal of a crusty diagnostician with a juicy back story and piercing blue eyes to ride in on his motorcycle and give you a lift into the sunset – hell even I could give up my ever fulfilling single life for that. But when was the last time you went to the doctor, Kittens? Did your doctor fit either of those descriptions? I think the last time I had an appointment my doctor had a cane, but believe me that’s where the comparison ends.

Tip #6 Accept that dogs are dogs and cats are cats. Likewise, accept that men are men and women are women. I think if God had wanted men and women to live together, He wouldn’t have given men mouths. Well, that’s just my theory anyway. Rather than waiting for a man that you can stand long enough to let him complete you, you need to accept that you need to complete yourself. If you’re already too far gone and are unsure how then take pointers from your feline roommate (or your future feline roommate, depending) and learn to spend time with yourself. Learn the art of sleeping, eating, and grooming for you and only you. It’s very liberating. And you know what they say, you won’t find true love until you truly love yourself. See? Even I have a mushy side (it’s my belly, and if you touch it I’ll scratch your eyes out).

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥

Riding the TTC…..According to Toque

In a past blog  I spoke about the horrors of the Vomit Comet. If you would just bare with me, Kittens, I would like to talk about the TTC once more. Because I would like to talk about something close to my heart: being a considerate fellow rider.

When you are on a bus or train you are on public transportation--not private. You are not sitting in your living room, eating whenever you want, smelling however you want, scratching wherever you want, with the whole bloody couch to yourself. You are sharing these accommodations with others. Thus, you should behave accordingly.

Now, as I’ve said before we cats rarely, if ever, take public transportation—haha, please. But it has come to my attention that some of you—well, most of you—behave atrociously on what the government has now deemed a vital service. So, like always, I am here to help. I am going to offer you some tips on how to behave yourself on the TTC.

Tip #1. Bathe. I never thought I would have to put that down as a tip in a blog post but there it is. Apparently some of you just don’t understand. You may think it’s not noticeable but…..on a bus…during rush hour…in July….I hate to tell you this, but we can tell.

Tip #2. Do not bathe in perfume. Or cologne. Artificial scents are not a substitute for Tip #1. I know it can be hard to know when to draw the line between enough and too much so let me help you: Did you press down on the perfume nozzle for more than three seconds? TOO MUCH. Did you dip the perfume stick in the bottle more than once? TOO MUCH. Did you pick up the perfume at the Dollar Store for only a dollar? TOO MUCH! I find the rare times I’m on the bus or subway I’m either gagging on B.O. or gagging on perfume—can we not find a happy medium?

Tip #3. No one wants to hear your music. This one should be self-explanatory but for argument’s sake let me explain: Next time you’re on the TTC take a look around you. Do you see how some people have ear phones on and some don’t? The ones with the ear phones are listening to their own choice of music. The ones without ear phones don’t want to listen to any music at all. So what it amounts to is neither group wants to listen to your music. Get it?

Tip #4. No one wants to listen to your conversation, on the phone or otherwise. This is similar to Tip #3. Basically, the guy behind you doesn’t care that you’re hung over and late for work, or if you have a big crush on your best friend’s brother, or why the girl who does your nails is a slut….Why you feel the need to offer up this information publicly is beyond him, and it’s beyond me. Please try to keep your private life off of public transportation.

Tip #5. Do not take up the aisle with your baby carriage/back pack/groceries/dog/YOU. The aisle is for walking, kittens, WALKING. If you are stuck standing please move as far to the side as possible. Please take off your backpack. Please move your groceries to the side or even under your seat if possible. Please don’t endanger your child by leaving him trapped in a rolling contraption (seriously—even with the breaks on have you ever considered the danger of a sudden stop or even an accident??).  As for dogs….Ok, technically they are allowed on the TTC. But before inviting them along for the ride, please make sure they know better than to use the floor as their toilet, or their fellow riders as a chew toy. Uh, the same goes for your kid.

Tip # 6. Your fare only paid for the seat you’re sitting in—and sometimes it doesn’t even guarantee that. So if you have your bag beside you and you see the bus or subway car filling up around you, MOVE YOUR CRAP. If you see someone who needs a seat more than you do, say an elderly person, a pregnant woman, a guy with a cane, a pirate with a stump for a leg and a hook for a hand etc, MOVE YOUR ASS.

Tip #7. Treat the TTC as if it’s your home—unless at home you’re a slovenly pig. It’s really sweet of you to leave your newspaper behind for the next person to read. But if the next person wants to read, chances are they’ll bring their own reading material. The same goes for your half finished cup of coffee, your empty food wrappers, your scratched Bingo tickets—even your gum. So, you can probably just take all that with you when you get to your stop.

Tip #8. SSSSH! When you are trying to make polite conversation and the other person is reading/listening to music/ignoring you, take the hint. Whatever small town you’re from just forget it—you’re in the T-Dot now Kiddo. In the big city you have to be content with your own company once and a while. If you need help with that just take a page from your feline room mate’s book. Do we bother you when you’re busy?....well, ok, maybe sometimes we do. But that’s not the point.

What you need to observe is our contentment with ourselves. Our ability to go for hours without being outwardly annoying. If you have never been able to harness the art of not annoying people and you don’t have a feline room mate to teach you, I suggest you let one adopt you today! After all, you can never really know how to ignore people properly until you have been properly ignored by a cat.

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥

Resolutions.....According to Toque

Well Kittens, we’re coming to the end of the first month of the New Year. I am back from a short break and this seems the perfect time to look at all those well intended New Year’s resolutions. To see how well you were able to stick with them. So, how’d you do?

……..Well, don’t be too hard on yourselves. It happens to the best of us. (I mean the best of you, humans. As a cat, I don’t make resolutions. As a cat I don’t need to.) You make resolutions with the best intentions but somehow they fall to the sidelines, or get put on the backburner. Resolutions, like diets, are doomed to fail. (None more than the resolution to diet—that one always falls apart).  Part of the reason is the pressure you put on the resolution, and yourself, adds a stress factor to it all that you don’t need. Another problem—and I think the main problem—is the resolutions you guys come up with are unobtainable and RIDICULOUS. You humans have this belief that some huge change is going to change your whole life, which is not always the case. And almost always impossible to accomplish. Sometimes it’s the small changes that make the big differences in your life. I figure the end of January was the perfect time to help you guys out. It’s usually around this time you have pretty much given up on any resolutions and have wallowed sufficiently in your own failure and self pity. So, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and read my short list of February 1^st resolutions. Start making those small changes to day.

Resolution #1: Shop more. For stuff. And things. Lord knows you need more, right? How many times have you caught yourself saying “I wish I had a blank.”? Or “I am all out of blank.”? Or “These don’t fit, I need  a new pair of blank.”? Not having enough blank in your life is a direct result of not shopping. There is a solution here, GO SHOPPING. Start filling those blanks. With stuff.

Resolution #2: Sleep more. You humans only sleep, what? Eight to ten hours a day? Maybe? That’s despicable. And, it explains why you have circles around your eyes, why you have trouble losing weight and why your hair is falling out. I’ve told you before in a past blog how important this is. You need to start exercising what you’ve learned. Try sleeping at least 15 hours before you have to get up. Take a quick nap after you get up. And try to implement a nap program at your work. Your boss will be impressed with your initiative.

Resolution #3: Groom more. Splurge on a manicure. No matter how steady your hand is, nothing beats having someone else do it for you. The same goes for your hair. That feeling you have when you leave the salon? And you catch your reflection in a window? And you consciously flick your hair over your shoulder? SO worth the money. And besides, there are just some things you can’t do on your own. Example? Cut your own bangs (oh no honey, no).

Resolution #4: Read more. Easy enough, and doesn’t require too much of your time. (I can get through an entire Cosmo magazine in 20 minutes flat). Reading is a good way to educate yourself, on things like, hair, clothes, make-up, celebrities and men. You’ve already made a good start with my blog. Don’t forget the ads around my blog now, they’re not just there for decoration. Click on them for full impact. Unlike some activities, reading is never a waste of time. It is always worthwhile. You think about that, next time you’re watching the news.

Resolution #5: Go out more. By following my above resolutions you are now looking good, hopefully feeling good, you read more and stuff. It’s time to show yourself off. Share yourself with others. Don’t deny others the pleasure of knowing you. That’s selfish.

Resolution #6: Seek feline help with all of the above. Sometimes even easy, totally obtainable resolutions are intimidating. And it can be hard to know if you’re on the right track. That’s where your feline roommate would help you out. She can let you know when you are looking hot, or when you’ve put too much make-up on. When it’s time to read, or when it’s time to look at her. When it’s time to go out, or when it’s time to stay in and stay cuddled up in bed. A feline makes all the resolutions worthwhile, because who else are you going to share your accomplishments with?

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥

Christmas Eve.....According to Toque

Well the tree’s been trimmed, and only knocked down twice (almost thrice but it was caught at the last second). There’s different sized boxes wrapped in different colours under said tree. Any poultry to be consumed has been thawed out and stuffed. Any baking to be done is coming to an end. Dozens upon dozens of holiday cartoons and bad made-for-TV holiday movies have been watched. Greedy letters have been sent to Santa telling him how good the writer’s been (I do not have to do this because as a cat, Santa already knows I’ve been good. Well, good for a cat, with all things considered). Oh, and the dog-has been made to don his gay apparel. Much to my enjoyment! I’m still laughing to myself….when I’m in a bad mood I remember the dog in that dumb hat and I start giggling…..

            I’ve lost track of what I was saying. What was I saying? Oh yes!-preparations for the holiday. It’s Christmas Eve Kittens, and that can only mean one thing: it’s time for MAN SHOPPING. I’ve said it before, that men are the number one reason I am single and MAN SHOPPING DAY is a prime example of why. Every Christmas Eve the mall is full of men, from open to close, wandering around, panicking, throwing money at whatever the store has left, breaking momentarily for coffee, then getting up and throwing money at whatever they can find again. As a cat, I find this behaviour stupid. As a woman, I find it down right offensive. Normally, I would just let these guys drown to death in their own panic and lack of hunting abilities. But with this holiday upon us I started feeling charitable, with the good will towards men and all that jazz. So I decided to help out, with some shopping tips. For all those last minute shoppers. And by the way, if your boyfriend is not among these last minute shoppers, and is actually ready for this holiday, then MARRY HIM. And if your husband is not among these last minute shoppers and is actually prepared for this holiday, then WELL DONE. You should be writing a blog, giving tips to us single gals on how to land one of those guys.

            Alright, without further ado, before you knuckle heads hit the mall. Here are some quick tips to hopefully help you out. God speed gentleman, God speed……..

Tip # 1 No clothes. Not even socks (and seriously….socks?) Because guessing her size is the same as guessing her weight. And is that really what you want to do here? Really? I didn’t think so.

Tip # 2 Yes Jewellery. Jewellery is always a good choice. Any size, any colour and at stage of your relationship. But not just any price. Women have very good price radars when it comes to shiny things. So if you’re going for it, then go for it all the way. No holding back…..your wallet. The good news is for what you pick out for her, you can actually get creative here-as long as it’s diamonds. There’s diamond earrings, diamond necklaces, diamond bracelets, diamond anklets—

Tip # 3 No diamond rings. This gift is too heavy. This gift is only appropriate if you are ready to take a very big step in your relationship. And if you’re doing some last minute shopping, well you’re not ready.

Tip # 4 Yes Gift Cards. Gift cards used to be taboo and seen as an easy way out but they have become more acceptable and they are actually fun to get. Because it’s like a prepaid credit card to that store you like. Who wouldn’t like that? But make sure you get a decent amount on the card. A gift card to a jewellery store in less than four digits would just be silly.

Tip # 5 No puppies. Not even in toy form. Contrary to popular belief this is never a good gift to surprise someone with. Ever.

Tip # 6 Yes feline companionship. If the person you’re shopping for does not already have a feline roommate you should brooch the subject with her today. And what better way to brooch the subject than introducing her to her new roommate? I know plenty of cats looking for a roommate. So this is a win-win. Just remember, when you get your significant other a gift you now have to get her feline roommate a gift too.

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥

The Christmas Tree.....According to Toque

Oh yes Kittens, it’s that time of year again. It’s time to put a ridiculously large, anti-feng shui plant that doesn’t go with any of you furniture right in the middle of your living room.  

Well, not right in the middle. Most people try to keep it off to the side, for convenience. But the joke’s on them because, as a cat, cohabitating with a human, I can tell you, there is nothing convenient about these things.

Some people keep plastic versions in storage for just such an occasion (classy) and some people actually go out and drag a dead tree home (double classy). Either way, the result is the same-a giant plant in the house. If you’re a traditionalist and you simply must have one, straight through to the New Year, then there are ways to make it bearable, even almost pretty. And since I’ve actually seen trees with pop corn strung on them, I’ve decided to offer my assistance, via some decorating tips. Because pop corn was meant to be eaten, not growing stale strung across a plant.

Tip # 1 No pop corn. No candy canes. Nothing edible. It’s wasteful. And cruel. Yes, it’s cruel to dangle food four or five feet above someone’s head and then forbid them from climbing up to get it.

Tip # 2 Tinsel. Speaking of edible and inedible…..Kittens, do not eat the tinsel. No matter how shiny it is or how much it can look like a mouse’s tail. Trust me: yummy tinsel=sad tummy.

Oh!-Who am I kidding?? Tinsel is too wonderful to resist! So, if you don’t want the vet bill then just skip the tinsel all together. Sigh.

Tip # 3 Lights. It’s actually very common to see trees with lights of all different colours. Sometimes there isn’t even a decipherable pattern, just random twinkling, blinking colours. There’s just something about these rainbow strings of lights that scream KIDS LIVE HERE KIDS LIVE HERE.

For class, stick to one colour. For real class, make that colour a neutral.

Tip # 4 Ditto for garland. One neutral. Gold or silver. Pick one.

Tip # 5 Balls. Big Balls. (oh grow up). Every designer tree always has a few big, strategically placed balls. The number of these big balls depends on the size of the tree-for average sized trees you don’t want more than five. They are surrounded by smaller balls and other ornaments that coordinate in colour. You do not have to stick to one colour for this, as long as the colours you do choose compliment each other. Hint: red and green do NOT compliment each other. Think about it.

Tip # 6 Hand made decorations. Popular with family oriented trees. Frankly, I don’t see the charm. A kid glues dry macaroni to a piece of construction paper, covers it in glitter and hangs the whole monstrosity on a string and his parents are supposed to act all thrilled? Well, one thing’s for sure. These hand made decorations sure go great with rainbow lights.

Tip # 7 The top of the tree. Look, I know my place. I am not about to get into the middle of the great Star VS Angel debate. That debate has been going on since the dawn of this asinine tradition and I have no delusions that one little cat (some would even say petite cat) is going to bring an end to that battle. Although, it would be nice to finally have peace at Christmas. If you’re like me, and you just want to see an end to the Star/Angel war (and why wouldn’t you? Haven’t enough people been hurt?) then I have a few fresh alternatives you can take your stand with: the tree top could have ribbons, bows, jingle bells, a framed picture of you and your feline roommate, or, my personal favourite, a Santa Hat.

Tip # 8 Security. You HAVE to make sure that whole thing is not going to topple over. Invest in a good base and stand and use string to secure it to the walls and ceiling. Because when you take a running leap into that thing, climb it, pull on the branches, etc. you have to be sure it’s going to stand strong. It cannot come down on you every time you want to play in it.

And what else is there to do with it but play? Isn’t playing what Christmas is all about?

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥

 

The First Date…..According to Toque

 First dates are hard work. Not for you, however. For him. He has got a lot of work ahead of him--all you have to do is look gorgeous (check) and show up (if he’s lucky, double check). Of course, I am aware of the century, I am aware that you can ask him and put some effort towards the date. But as a cat, I am greatly against this. I believe that the other person should be putting in all the work, all the time, in all my relationships. After all, I already bring enough to the table with my looks, my charm and my ability to see well at night. So, the ask-er has got his work cut out for him—when he finally grows a pair big enough to ask you out.

First thing’s first: he’s gotta pick a place. This is very important because the place he picks can make or break the date.

And any possibility of a second date.

But once you’re there, it’s all in the details. And it’s the details that the ask-ee has to navigate through. Because sometimes due to the attention, and wine it’s hard to tell if that first date warrants a second date. I’ll bet some girls wish there was some sort of list of dates out there with easy-to-read indicators of whether or not a second date should be granted.

Alright, alright. Here you go…..

Date # 1 The Coffee Date. I can see the benefits of this one. It’s less intimidating than a whole dinner but allows more conversation than a movie. It’s easy enough to blow off when it starts heading south and it doesn’t come with the added pressure of meeting for drinks. When you meet for drinks it’s unclear if you’re going home alone or not.  But when you meet for coffee it’s mutually understood you’re going home alone. Because no one gets hot and heavy after a hot cup of coffee. (Except for the exception, let’s call her C. C met a smokin’ hot guy at a coffee shop and he became a one night stand she successfully turned into a smokin’ hot boyfriend. This, kittens, is not the norm—it’s just C’s life). Despite some good qualities this is ultimately not my favourite kind of date. I feel a date should have more, I don’t know, pizzazz, more substance, more….what’s the word? Oh—food! A date should have more food. Not that a coffee shop doesn’t have some food. But if your date presents you with a pre-made, saran wrapped egg salad sandwich and calls it dinner…..

Second Date: NOT GRANTED

Date # 2 The movie. This is always a safe choice because in a dark, quiet theatre there is sort of a pseudo-intimacy that exists, but with minimal conversation. This fabricated intimacy comes from sitting side by side, in the dark, arms touching, hands and knees occasionally brushing against each other.  But you dare not try to get to know each other better, for fear of being “shushed”. If you have been asked to go to a movie, you have just been asked out by a smart, shy guy. He is looking forward to sitting in silence for 90 minutes, because he knows, when the end credits roll, you two have something in common to talk about: you’ve both seen the same movie! Was it good? Was it bad? Was it over-acted? You guys have a whole walk out of the theatre to discuss it. Basically, this guy knows his own weaknesses and he knows how to distract you from them.

Second Date: NOT GRANTED

Date # 3 a) Dinner (Upscale). This has all the makings of a great date: fine dining, fine wining, and plenty of opportunity for (hopefully) fine conversation. Add candlelight and soft music in the background and….wow. This guy is good. This guy has money and clearly wants to impress you with it. That’s fine, for a free meal, but what are you? A hooker?

Second Date: NOT GRANTED

Date # 3 b) Dinner (Downscale). Let’s get one thing straight: if dinner comes to the table in some kind of plastic/Styrofoam/paper container and is eaten with disposable cutlery….

Second Date: NOT GRANTED

Date # 3 c) Dinner (Home Cooked). I don’t know why some guys think it’s cute to put on an apron and cook. Furthermore, I don’t know why some girls fall for this. Bottom line: this guy had some money he could have spent on spoiling you but instead he chose to spend it on the ingredients to canned sauce spaghetti and a novelty apron…..

Second Date: NOT GRANTED

Date # 4 Dinner and a Movie Combo. Never, ever agree to this date. When a guy asks you out to dinner and then says “maybe we can catch a movie after” he is assuming you have that whoooooole night free and have nothing better to do. And he should never, ever assume that. And you should never, ever let him. Even if it’s true…..

Second Date: NOT GRANTED

Date # 5 Going for a walk. What?! No! Just—no! No meal AND I have to go for a walk? I just—I can’t even—Gawd! Just—NO—Gawd no! 

Second Date: NOT GRANTED (a million times not granted)

Date # 6 Going for a picnic. Wow, this one is loads better than the last one, but it’s still pretty bad. Homemade sandwiches eaten in the great outdorrs……

Second Date: NOT GRANTED

Date # 7 Going Shopping. This sounds good, at first, but ladies, come on! If he’s asked you to go on a shopping trip then there’s a good chance he’s in the closet. Or, he’s not, and your gay-dar is so bad that you completely misunderstood his invite. Either way…..

Second Date: GRANTED (because, Honey, meet your new shopping BFF).

Date # 8 Trampoline Lessons. OMG this guy is a KEEPER. You’re definitely going on a second date with this guy because--Wait. You know what? This list is a waste of time. You don’t need a list to help you know if a second date is in the cards. You should be relying on your raw, animal instinct, aka your feline roommate. Before your date even begins, invite him in for a few minutes and introduce him to your kitty companion. She’ll size him up in seconds (we have a knack) and before you’re even out the door, she’ll let you know.

Oh yeah, she’ll let you know.

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥