Christmas Eve.....According to Toque

Well the tree’s been trimmed, and only knocked down twice (almost thrice but it was caught at the last second). There’s different sized boxes wrapped in different colours under said tree. Any poultry to be consumed has been thawed out and stuffed. Any baking to be done is coming to an end. Dozens upon dozens of holiday cartoons and bad made-for-TV holiday movies have been watched. Greedy letters have been sent to Santa telling him how good the writer’s been (I do not have to do this because as a cat, Santa already knows I’ve been good. Well, good for a cat, with all things considered). Oh, and the dog-has been made to don his gay apparel. Much to my enjoyment! I’m still laughing to myself….when I’m in a bad mood I remember the dog in that dumb hat and I start giggling…..

            I’ve lost track of what I was saying. What was I saying? Oh yes!-preparations for the holiday. It’s Christmas Eve Kittens, and that can only mean one thing: it’s time for MAN SHOPPING. I’ve said it before, that men are the number one reason I am single and MAN SHOPPING DAY is a prime example of why. Every Christmas Eve the mall is full of men, from open to close, wandering around, panicking, throwing money at whatever the store has left, breaking momentarily for coffee, then getting up and throwing money at whatever they can find again. As a cat, I find this behaviour stupid. As a woman, I find it down right offensive. Normally, I would just let these guys drown to death in their own panic and lack of hunting abilities. But with this holiday upon us I started feeling charitable, with the good will towards men and all that jazz. So I decided to help out, with some shopping tips. For all those last minute shoppers. And by the way, if your boyfriend is not among these last minute shoppers, and is actually ready for this holiday, then MARRY HIM. And if your husband is not among these last minute shoppers and is actually prepared for this holiday, then WELL DONE. You should be writing a blog, giving tips to us single gals on how to land one of those guys.

            Alright, without further ado, before you knuckle heads hit the mall. Here are some quick tips to hopefully help you out. God speed gentleman, God speed……..

Tip # 1 No clothes. Not even socks (and seriously….socks?) Because guessing her size is the same as guessing her weight. And is that really what you want to do here? Really? I didn’t think so.

Tip # 2 Yes Jewellery. Jewellery is always a good choice. Any size, any colour and at stage of your relationship. But not just any price. Women have very good price radars when it comes to shiny things. So if you’re going for it, then go for it all the way. No holding back…..your wallet. The good news is for what you pick out for her, you can actually get creative here-as long as it’s diamonds. There’s diamond earrings, diamond necklaces, diamond bracelets, diamond anklets—

Tip # 3 No diamond rings. This gift is too heavy. This gift is only appropriate if you are ready to take a very big step in your relationship. And if you’re doing some last minute shopping, well you’re not ready.

Tip # 4 Yes Gift Cards. Gift cards used to be taboo and seen as an easy way out but they have become more acceptable and they are actually fun to get. Because it’s like a prepaid credit card to that store you like. Who wouldn’t like that? But make sure you get a decent amount on the card. A gift card to a jewellery store in less than four digits would just be silly.

Tip # 5 No puppies. Not even in toy form. Contrary to popular belief this is never a good gift to surprise someone with. Ever.

Tip # 6 Yes feline companionship. If the person you’re shopping for does not already have a feline roommate you should brooch the subject with her today. And what better way to brooch the subject than introducing her to her new roommate? I know plenty of cats looking for a roommate. So this is a win-win. Just remember, when you get your significant other a gift you now have to get her feline roommate a gift too.

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥

The Christmas Tree.....According to Toque

Oh yes Kittens, it’s that time of year again. It’s time to put a ridiculously large, anti-feng shui plant that doesn’t go with any of you furniture right in the middle of your living room.  

Well, not right in the middle. Most people try to keep it off to the side, for convenience. But the joke’s on them because, as a cat, cohabitating with a human, I can tell you, there is nothing convenient about these things.

Some people keep plastic versions in storage for just such an occasion (classy) and some people actually go out and drag a dead tree home (double classy). Either way, the result is the same-a giant plant in the house. If you’re a traditionalist and you simply must have one, straight through to the New Year, then there are ways to make it bearable, even almost pretty. And since I’ve actually seen trees with pop corn strung on them, I’ve decided to offer my assistance, via some decorating tips. Because pop corn was meant to be eaten, not growing stale strung across a plant.

Tip # 1 No pop corn. No candy canes. Nothing edible. It’s wasteful. And cruel. Yes, it’s cruel to dangle food four or five feet above someone’s head and then forbid them from climbing up to get it.

Tip # 2 Tinsel. Speaking of edible and inedible…..Kittens, do not eat the tinsel. No matter how shiny it is or how much it can look like a mouse’s tail. Trust me: yummy tinsel=sad tummy.

Oh!-Who am I kidding?? Tinsel is too wonderful to resist! So, if you don’t want the vet bill then just skip the tinsel all together. Sigh.

Tip # 3 Lights. It’s actually very common to see trees with lights of all different colours. Sometimes there isn’t even a decipherable pattern, just random twinkling, blinking colours. There’s just something about these rainbow strings of lights that scream KIDS LIVE HERE KIDS LIVE HERE.

For class, stick to one colour. For real class, make that colour a neutral.

Tip # 4 Ditto for garland. One neutral. Gold or silver. Pick one.

Tip # 5 Balls. Big Balls. (oh grow up). Every designer tree always has a few big, strategically placed balls. The number of these big balls depends on the size of the tree-for average sized trees you don’t want more than five. They are surrounded by smaller balls and other ornaments that coordinate in colour. You do not have to stick to one colour for this, as long as the colours you do choose compliment each other. Hint: red and green do NOT compliment each other. Think about it.

Tip # 6 Hand made decorations. Popular with family oriented trees. Frankly, I don’t see the charm. A kid glues dry macaroni to a piece of construction paper, covers it in glitter and hangs the whole monstrosity on a string and his parents are supposed to act all thrilled? Well, one thing’s for sure. These hand made decorations sure go great with rainbow lights.

Tip # 7 The top of the tree. Look, I know my place. I am not about to get into the middle of the great Star VS Angel debate. That debate has been going on since the dawn of this asinine tradition and I have no delusions that one little cat (some would even say petite cat) is going to bring an end to that battle. Although, it would be nice to finally have peace at Christmas. If you’re like me, and you just want to see an end to the Star/Angel war (and why wouldn’t you? Haven’t enough people been hurt?) then I have a few fresh alternatives you can take your stand with: the tree top could have ribbons, bows, jingle bells, a framed picture of you and your feline roommate, or, my personal favourite, a Santa Hat.

Tip # 8 Security. You HAVE to make sure that whole thing is not going to topple over. Invest in a good base and stand and use string to secure it to the walls and ceiling. Because when you take a running leap into that thing, climb it, pull on the branches, etc. you have to be sure it’s going to stand strong. It cannot come down on you every time you want to play in it.

And what else is there to do with it but play? Isn’t playing what Christmas is all about?

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥

 

The First Date…..According to Toque

 First dates are hard work. Not for you, however. For him. He has got a lot of work ahead of him--all you have to do is look gorgeous (check) and show up (if he’s lucky, double check). Of course, I am aware of the century, I am aware that you can ask him and put some effort towards the date. But as a cat, I am greatly against this. I believe that the other person should be putting in all the work, all the time, in all my relationships. After all, I already bring enough to the table with my looks, my charm and my ability to see well at night. So, the ask-er has got his work cut out for him—when he finally grows a pair big enough to ask you out.

First thing’s first: he’s gotta pick a place. This is very important because the place he picks can make or break the date.

And any possibility of a second date.

But once you’re there, it’s all in the details. And it’s the details that the ask-ee has to navigate through. Because sometimes due to the attention, and wine it’s hard to tell if that first date warrants a second date. I’ll bet some girls wish there was some sort of list of dates out there with easy-to-read indicators of whether or not a second date should be granted.

Alright, alright. Here you go…..

Date # 1 The Coffee Date. I can see the benefits of this one. It’s less intimidating than a whole dinner but allows more conversation than a movie. It’s easy enough to blow off when it starts heading south and it doesn’t come with the added pressure of meeting for drinks. When you meet for drinks it’s unclear if you’re going home alone or not.  But when you meet for coffee it’s mutually understood you’re going home alone. Because no one gets hot and heavy after a hot cup of coffee. (Except for the exception, let’s call her C. C met a smokin’ hot guy at a coffee shop and he became a one night stand she successfully turned into a smokin’ hot boyfriend. This, kittens, is not the norm—it’s just C’s life). Despite some good qualities this is ultimately not my favourite kind of date. I feel a date should have more, I don’t know, pizzazz, more substance, more….what’s the word? Oh—food! A date should have more food. Not that a coffee shop doesn’t have some food. But if your date presents you with a pre-made, saran wrapped egg salad sandwich and calls it dinner…..

Second Date: NOT GRANTED

Date # 2 The movie. This is always a safe choice because in a dark, quiet theatre there is sort of a pseudo-intimacy that exists, but with minimal conversation. This fabricated intimacy comes from sitting side by side, in the dark, arms touching, hands and knees occasionally brushing against each other.  But you dare not try to get to know each other better, for fear of being “shushed”. If you have been asked to go to a movie, you have just been asked out by a smart, shy guy. He is looking forward to sitting in silence for 90 minutes, because he knows, when the end credits roll, you two have something in common to talk about: you’ve both seen the same movie! Was it good? Was it bad? Was it over-acted? You guys have a whole walk out of the theatre to discuss it. Basically, this guy knows his own weaknesses and he knows how to distract you from them.

Second Date: NOT GRANTED

Date # 3 a) Dinner (Upscale). This has all the makings of a great date: fine dining, fine wining, and plenty of opportunity for (hopefully) fine conversation. Add candlelight and soft music in the background and….wow. This guy is good. This guy has money and clearly wants to impress you with it. That’s fine, for a free meal, but what are you? A hooker?

Second Date: NOT GRANTED

Date # 3 b) Dinner (Downscale). Let’s get one thing straight: if dinner comes to the table in some kind of plastic/Styrofoam/paper container and is eaten with disposable cutlery….

Second Date: NOT GRANTED

Date # 3 c) Dinner (Home Cooked). I don’t know why some guys think it’s cute to put on an apron and cook. Furthermore, I don’t know why some girls fall for this. Bottom line: this guy had some money he could have spent on spoiling you but instead he chose to spend it on the ingredients to canned sauce spaghetti and a novelty apron…..

Second Date: NOT GRANTED

Date # 4 Dinner and a Movie Combo. Never, ever agree to this date. When a guy asks you out to dinner and then says “maybe we can catch a movie after” he is assuming you have that whoooooole night free and have nothing better to do. And he should never, ever assume that. And you should never, ever let him. Even if it’s true…..

Second Date: NOT GRANTED

Date # 5 Going for a walk. What?! No! Just—no! No meal AND I have to go for a walk? I just—I can’t even—Gawd! Just—NO—Gawd no! 

Second Date: NOT GRANTED (a million times not granted)

Date # 6 Going for a picnic. Wow, this one is loads better than the last one, but it’s still pretty bad. Homemade sandwiches eaten in the great outdorrs……

Second Date: NOT GRANTED

Date # 7 Going Shopping. This sounds good, at first, but ladies, come on! If he’s asked you to go on a shopping trip then there’s a good chance he’s in the closet. Or, he’s not, and your gay-dar is so bad that you completely misunderstood his invite. Either way…..

Second Date: GRANTED (because, Honey, meet your new shopping BFF).

Date # 8 Trampoline Lessons. OMG this guy is a KEEPER. You’re definitely going on a second date with this guy because--Wait. You know what? This list is a waste of time. You don’t need a list to help you know if a second date is in the cards. You should be relying on your raw, animal instinct, aka your feline roommate. Before your date even begins, invite him in for a few minutes and introduce him to your kitty companion. She’ll size him up in seconds (we have a knack) and before you’re even out the door, she’ll let you know.

Oh yeah, she’ll let you know.

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥

                                                                            

                                                                                        

Rainy Days.....According to Toque

Rain-Pfft. Normally, rain does not really bother me. Because, as a cat, I prefer to stay in on the best of days. So rain, hindering my outdoor time?-not such a problem. Now my canine acquaintances, on the other hand, act crazy when it rains. First, they demand to be let out, then, when they get wet, they freak out and demand to be let in. Then they act upset when they’re not allowed on any of the furniture while they’re all wet, then they attempt to dry themselves with a full body shake that is ridiculously inconvenient for anyone within a 20 mile radius, and THEN, inevitably, they forget what they came in for and demand to be let back out.  

Oh boy.

Even though the reasoning behind this behaviour escapes me completely, I thought as a nice gesture I would take this opportunity to offer some tips on staying in on rainy days. So others can see being “stuck inside” is no burden, but rather, a luxury.

Tip # 1 Sleep. If you are no good at this then please refer to my previous post. Sleeping is a good one because since it takes up most of your day you will hardly notice that it is taking up most of a rainy day.

Tip # 2 Cards, puzzles, board games etc. Any opportunity you get to show others you are better than them and a natural born winner is gold. Luckily, any of these games are quick to learn and a cinch to master. Take board games, for example. During this activity there are small pieces that get moved around the board. So, when it is your turn, simply swat the pieces off the board and onto the floor and chase them across the room. Show your opponents how good you are at it! Bonus points if one of the pieces ends up under the couch. The other players may get upset and even yell in frustration. But this is only because they are sore losers and jealous of your mad skillz.

Tip # 3 Redecorate. A quick and easy way to change the look of any room is to reorganize items on shelves, tables, cupboards, dressers and so on. The best way to do this is to employ the same mad skillz used during board games.

Tip # 4 Seek back up (aka attention). If you’re really bored seek your roommate’s help. Meow at her and rub in between her legs for her attention. Make her turn off the TV, put down her book, close her lap top etc and have her play with and/or pet you.  That way she can combat both your boredom AND hers. Win-Win.

Tip # 5 Sleep. For help you can refer to my previous post because—what? I already mentioned this? Oh, silly me. I guess I was subconsciously adding it twice because on rainy days sleeping is freakin’ heaven. Amen.

Tip # 6 Chase birds off your balcony and/or window sill. Usually lunging at the window delivers the message. It’s sometimes hard to tell if they’re going to come back or not, so it’s always good to sort of “stand guard” for awhile, for any trouble. When it’s raining these little, homeless creatures have no where to go, so they’ll often huddle on your balcony and under awnings and such to try and keep warm and dry. When I see them out there, alone, and shaking, I think to myself: THOSE BITCHES BEST GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE NOW AND I AIN’T PLAYIN’.

Tip # 7 Mark Territory. I don’t do dishes. Or laundry. Or vacuuming. And I wouldn’t be caught dead making a bed. Most of the household jobs fall on my roommate’s shoulders. But to keep it fair I am in charge of at least a few chores, one of which is territory marking. To be honest, sometimes I get behind, but a rainy day is the perfect opportunity to catch up. Now different people have different methods of marking, my roommate might leave clothes around the apartment from time to time and I don’t even want to tell you what goes on in the canine community, but as for myself, I bring out the claws. Scratching different surfaces, particularly large furniture items, is the most effective way to mark your territory. You’ll know you’re doing it right when the items you scratch have efficiently depreciated in value.

            Tip # 8 Get right up on your depreciated couch and snuggle with your feline roommate. Don’t worry, it’s not weird—it’s totally platonic and just what the doctor ordered on these less than perfect days. And also, I read somewhere that it’s good for the heart—the human heart, not our cat heart. Snuggling or being left alone, it really makes no difference to us. We’re just happy to help, because we’re nothing if not helpful.

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥

The Art of Sleep.....According to Toque

At first, I didn’t think the subject of sleep warranted an entire blog entry. But then I realized that, as a cat, I had great insight into the subject. And, since I’m nothing if not a giver, I decided I should share my vast knowledge with you, my readers.

There is an art to sleep that many humans just don’t have a knack for. It happens sometimes-some are born with the gift of a talent while others have to work at it. Luckily the practice for this requires little to no effort-just time.

Honey, sleeping takes time. To be more precise, you are going to have to put aside 20-23 hours a day to really get a good, proper night’s sleep. Some of you may have to rearrange your schedules for this but trust me, it’s worth it.

Now, if you feel like you have been putting in the practice but you still don’t feel well rested in the morning, don’t fret my pets: I have come up with some simple tips to help you drift off into that sweet sweet slumber.

Tip # 1 Find warmth. It is easier to fall asleep when it’s above room temperature. Well above room temperature.  It’s science or something. Fur coats help. I suppose a blanket would suffice. If you’re all wrapped up but still can’t get warm try cuddling up with someone special (I know, I can be a mush sometimes). But this is only effective when the person is busy. And you’re interrupting them. When they are busy their body is at a higher temperature (again, science). If that special someone isn’t available, or so busy they have become immune to your cuteness (never happened to me but I suppose this could happen) then you do have some options. You can curl up in fresh load of laundry (but only if someone is trying to fold it), curl up on a laptop (but only if someone is trying to type) or curl up on a television set (but only if someone is trying to watch it).

Tip # 2 Stretch. Always stretch before and after and also during your sleep. You don’t want to pull anything! A popular stretch is the “rubber band”, where you start in your curled up position, then stretch into a straight line as far as yours paws can reach, then snap back into your curled position. Others include the arched back “Halloween pose” and the chair arm “claw drag”. For your full 20-23 hour sleep you are going to want to employ a full body stretch though. The best is the “starfish”. Lay on your back with you nose pointing North, your front paws pointing North-East and North-West, your back paws pointing South-East and South-West and your tail pointing South. Don’t leave your mouth out, this is a good opportunity to stretch your jaw out too so open wide, get that oxygen in there! Sometimes you may find this stretch so relaxing that you will fall asleep in this position, a true testament to the effectiveness of this stretch. I’ve heard that in the canine community the “starfish” is known as the “rub my belly”. I do not get those guys sometimes, ya know? Bottom line: if you touch my belly you’re losing you hand. Period.

Tip # 3 Set up a routine. When you have a routine that you do every night before bed your body begins to associate this with ‘bedtime’. Young children, for example, will have a story read to them and be ‘tucked in’. Another example is my roommate reads big, hard cover text books from her school that always look really boring. And sometimes she’ll read her own notes she made from her school books. Eventually she will slam the book and toss it aside, in frustration and then consult her iphone and laptop for at least an hour before calling it a night. I don’t really understand her routine but to each his own as I always say. Besides, the last part of her routine allows me to practice what I preach a la Tip # 1. My own routine is: sleeping. I like to take a quick nap before I really have to settle in for the night.

Tip # 4 Soothing noises. Apparently there is a reasonably sized market out there for CDs that play nothing but rain forest sounds. Listening to running water and potential prey rustling in bushes would keep me up all night but again, to each his own. My roommate sometimes listens to music at a low volume all night. She can be so inconsiderate. I never say anything but sometimes I wish she would remember she has a roommate-a roommate generous enough to give up half the bed! Actually, the most soothing sound to sleep with is one’s own purr. All you have to do to achieve this sound is dilate and constrict your glottis alternatly using your larynx muscles while you breath-easy peasy. Hey, a CD of cats purring-they should market that!

Tip #5 Never, under any circumstances, let a man sleep in your bed. By kicking the guy out and keeping your bed to yourself you are eliminating at least half your sleeping problems.

Tip # 6 You know who is better to share your bed with? Come on guys, you know where I’m going with this….if you don’ already have a feline roommate put an ad out on Craig’s List today! We will help keep you warm, taking care of us can be your new bedtime routine and we will purr free of charge, no CD required! Also, we will help you keep men out of your bed. And, if one misguided night you do choose a man over us and try to lock us out of the bedroom, we will stand, vigilant outside the door, and demand to be let back in. At the top of our lungs. Trust me, neither of you will get any sleep until that door is opened to us. You might think it’s selfish but we’re not doing it for us, we’re doing it for you. To remind you who your true friends are.

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥

Dieting.....According to Toque

Cats never overindulge. As a rule we eat just enough and then we stop. That’s how we stay petite and flexible. I would say the only time we have just a bit more than our share is when we are celebrating something. Or if we had a long day and decide we need a little treat. Or if our human roommate goes in the other room for a moment and leaves their glass of milk completely unattended-practically an offer to share so why not?

As much as I pride myself on my own willpower I understand there is temptation out there, and I have seen far too many of my friends have trouble jumping up and down from the couch because of their own overindulgence. So I have decided to put together a few tips for losing those extra pounds and getting back into shape. What better time than after all that Halloween candy for these words of wisdom?

Tip # 1 The food will still be there later. I have seen so many of my canine acquaintances hoover down their food because they are just terrified that if they turn their back for just a moment, the food will disappear into thin air. Or that the cat will eat it. (I have only eaten out of a dog’s dish once in my life while the dog’s back was turned. I wasn’t going to at first but I could clearly see he had the good wet stuff while I had the not as good dry stuff. His short attention span had lead him away from his bowl momentarily and I had to make a decision. I stand by it.) For the most part your food will not disappear. You are free to stop when you start to feel full, or when you need a nap. Or when you have to clean yourself. Or when a reflection of light from across the room has caught your eye.

Tip # 2 Out of sight out of mind. This tip’s an oldie but a goodie. I don’t know how many times I have completely forgotten about food and eating all together until my human roommate takes the food out of the cupboard. As soon as I see that bag I remember that my bowl is empty, I haven’t eaten since the last time my bowl wasn’t empty and I am actually completely famished. And that’s when I start meowing and rubbing between her legs to try and explain to her I need food in my bowl ASAP. But I swear up until the moment she takes the food out of the cupboard I am fine and content and…usually asleep.

Tip # 3 Get a lot of sleep. When you’re sleeping you’re not eating. Granted, you’re also not exercising, but we all have to make sacrifices here. Besides, in order to do all your workouts you are going to need your energy. Energy comes from three known sources: energy bars (gross), energy drinks (barf) and sleep. Cats have the upper hand over humans on this one, I understand. We are very good at falling asleep and successfully staying asleep. The trick is to just get comfortable, close your eyes and…..

Tip # 4 Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Tip # 5 Moderation. You must never say no to the foods you want. As soon as you deny yourself the foods you want you are doomed to eat them so strike the word no from your vocabulary. Instead say some. I will have some fries. I will some pasta. I will have some ice cream.  I will have some more ice cream. And, yes, I will have some whip cream and some sprinkles on that. And some double chocolate hot fudge sauce on the side. See how easy it is to harness your willpower?

Tip # 6 You have to at least get some exercise. Walking back and forth from the couch to the kitchen does not count. Try to fit in the hallway. I, myself, like to run laps up and down the hallway, climb the back of the couch and get up as high as I can on the book shelf. Once I’m up there I like to make a game out of how many books I can knock down before my human roommate has one of her freak outs. (She has daily freak outs, they are so trying. I swear as soon as I can afford it I am getting my own place).  If you want to try running but haven’t had the motivation to get started then just pretend your chasing a dog. Or stalking mouse. See? Exercising can be fun!

Tip # 7 Always get a lot of the best exercise *wink wink*. You know….the BEST exercise? You know…the BEST EXERCISE, it’s…..walking? WHAT? Seriously? It’s walking? The best exercise is walking? Are you sure? I thought it was….well never mind. I guess go for a walk then. Sounds really boring but whatever.

Tip # 8 Make sure you’re doing this for YOU. Not for your reflection in the mirror and not for some guy. If you ever feel like you need to do all this crap for someone else then just take a look at your feline roommate. We try for NO ONE. And we are perfection in a fur coat. Do you know why we are perfection? Because we know it. It’s all about the confidence Baby! If you are worried about what others are going to think of you then maybe you should just stay home with your kitty companion. She certainly isn’t judging you. Trust me, she likes you just the way you are. As should you.

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥

The Vomit Comet.....According to Toque

 

Well, it smells. Yes, I know, cat’s have a heightened sense of smell so of course I would complain, but the odour I am talking about should be detectable by even the most human of senses. Next time you have the misfortune of riding Toronto’s all night bus go ahead, take a whiff. Smell that? An odour cocktail of urine, body musk, stale coffee, mystery smell (that “what the hell is that smell?” smell) and, of course, its namesake, vomit.

Now, as a rule, cats do not usually take any kind of public transportation. (How so very blue collar!) I was, however, forced to take the all night bus (referred to by its riders affectionately as the Vomit Comet) recently during a rare cab shortage. And let me tell you: it was terrifying. But I did learn some helpful tips for riding this atrocity. As always, I will share them with you now. Tip # 1: Do not under any circumstances ride the Vomit Comet. Alright, alright, I kid.  

Tip # 1: Assume everyone around you is drunk. The majority of Vomit Comet riders are drunk. And the majority of that majority cannot hold their drink. You could go crazy trying to figure out if any of the people around you are sober. That is why it is best to assume they are not and refrain from engaging in conversation. Because a conversation with a drunk stranger at 3am always turns into a screaming match. Always. No exceptions.

Tip # 2: Don’t sit down. This is one of those rare times on public transportation where you may actually try to beat others to a good standing spot. You never want to sit because you don’t know who was sitting there before you. And what they sat in before they sat there. Or what they were eating. Or if they really had to go to the bathroom. Trust me, your outfit is way too nice for that kind of abuse.

Tip # 3 If your really cute but really new shoes are absolutely killing you and you really do absolutely have to sit down, do not sit in the window seat and let somebody box you in. This goes back to Tip # 1. Assume that person sitting beside you is drunk and therefore wants to a) start a fight with you, b) come on to you, c) fall asleep on you, making it difficult for you to get off at your stop or d) all of the above. Kittens, as a survival strategy, assume D!

Tip # 4 Keep your ear buds in and your eyes down. Just because you are refraining from conversation, doesn’t mean the people around you are. Remember, drunken people like the sound of their own voice. And they assume you do too. The best thing for you to do is to not react to anything around you and pretend you are listening to music, while reading a book. Obviously you are not listening to music, nor reading a book. Because actually you don’t want to miss the free show going on around you, nor miss the funny story you’re going to tell your friends the next day. The story about the drunk guy, who fell over when the bus came to a red light, and when he tried to get up another drunk guy stepped on his hand, and then as they got into a fight a drunk girl in the back started ralphing…….

Tip # 5 Breathe through your mouth. I know I already mentioned the smell at the beginning of this post, but trust me, it’s worth mentioning again.  

Tip # 6 If you’re on the all night bus and you aren’t being annoyed by all the drunks-or if you’re even surprised at the lack of drunks, then be warned: you’re drunk!! Keep your eyes straight ahead, your mouth shut and your hands tight around a pole. Don’t talk to anyone and don’t think too much about puking. Just stay cool. You’ll get through this. Just pay attention and don’t miss your stop.

Tip # 7 Rethink going out in the first place. Look how comfy your feline roommate looks stretched out on the couch. Doesn’t she look peaceful? Don’t you want to join her? If you stay home with a cat I can guarantee the cat won’t start a fight with you, try to pick you up or shout into a cell phone all the details of the aMAYzing party they just came from. I can’t guarantee the cat won’t puke, but better a hairball in the hallway then street meet on your shoes.

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥

Fairy Tales…..According to Toque

You would think as a cat I would rather enjoy these fairy tales about a girl falling into wealth and living out her days as a princess. So, we all know the story, right? The damsel with the hard knock life kisses a frog and he turns into a prince. Then he finds her shoe, or something. Oh!-and he kisses her while she’s sleeping, waking her up-even though she had a long day scrubbing floors and singing to forest creatures. Then she gets a big wedding, in a big dress. Then she’s a princess. More to the point, she’s a wife-and that’s where the story ends. Little girls everywhere just assume she lives happily ever after.

Well….I have a few problems with this.

Problem # 1: Why was she compelled to kiss a frog in the first place? If she herself has it going on, then shouldn’t she be swapping saliva with someone else who equally has it going on? Alright, I know what you’re thinking. After a few drinks frogs can start to look like princes. But that’s what your designated driver is for! To let you know he’s a frog. And he needs a hair cut. And he’s been talking to your chest all night. Frogs are the guys you let buy you drinks at the bar-but you don’t go home with them! You certainly don’t marry them! The very idea is absurd!

Problem # 2: Have you ever been in such a hurry that if your shoe fell off you would just leave it behind? Neither have I. I never like to fret over money or how much I spent on something material, but Honey, if my Manolo Blahnik slips off, I’m going back for it.

Problem # 3: What exactly is this girl doing with her life before the prince shows up? Scrubbing floors? Talking to mice (mice for Christ’s sake)? Living, practically, like a slave in her home? This girl is hopelessly obedient and speaking as a cat, I find this disgusting. And after her life of obedience her reward is marrying a spoiled prince who is probably used to getting everything he wants. At a snap of his fingers, no less. Well, congratulations Honey.

Problem # 4: Why are the majority of these girls all jobless and living with their parents? Why aren’t they in school or pursuing careers? I know all about family money but any girl worth her salt knows she can’t rely on family money alone. She needs to support herself. Be independent. Be her own woman. I am strictly talking about human girls, of course. I won’t lift a paw to do work. Working is so pedestrian.

Problem # 5: Do they really have to get married right away? It seems a bit rash. They really should take the time to get to know each other a little better. Get to know each other’s likes, and dislikes. Hobbies and habits. Fairy tale folks get hitched so fast they barely have time to learn if they’re marrying a cat person or a *shudder* dog person. Girls of the world, hear my plea: don’t rush into marriage! Take some time for you first. Get a job, get your own apartment and get a feline roommate. As demanding as we are, we are nothing compared to a pampered prince! We would never ask you to give up your career-au contraire, you will need a good job when cohabitating with a cat. We won’t touch your shoes without asking, we would never let you bring home a frog and we would never, EVER, wake you up when you’re sleeping-unless it is in fact time to get up. Or it’s time to be fed. Or we’ve brought you a gift and want you to see it. Or we thought you already woke up and we just want to make sure.

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥

Men.....According to Toque

I know a thing or two about men. Ok, I know what you’re thinking, How could a cat know anything about anything?? Well, I’m not some silly little house pet you know. First of all, I live in a condo-as in condominium. Alright? I don’t go outside, on the end of some leash, I stay inside, and lounge around on the couch. That’s right, I’M ALLOWED ON THE COUCH. And I don’t have some human owner. I can’t even imagine using that word, it’s disgusting. I do however, have a room mate. Coincidentally she is human. But I don’t hold it against her. She keeps the place somewhat tidy, cleans my litter pan, keeps my food and water dishes full, gives me treats…and in return I share my bed with her. It’s the perfect relationship really. Simpatico.

But wait, I’m off topic now. You were asking me something about men.  Well honey, I know a thing or two about men. For the most part, I hate them. No no, I’m not some man-hating power woman-men are good for some things, actually they’re good for a few things in a few different positions but for the most part they’re stupid and they’re weird and they smell bad. Really, it’s summer, it’s hot out buddy, it wouldn’t kill ya to take shower…it’s not against the law. Also, men are the number one reason I choose to be single. Like I said, men are good for a few things but I wouldn’t want one hanging around me all the time, racking up my phone bill with nonsense text messages, asking “Oh, where are you? Oh, what are you doing tonight? Oh, I miss you, Oh, I bought you this ring, I want to take you on a trip around the world, I can’t live without you, blah blah blah”. Seriously, it gets old. But, if you’re one of those girls that actually goes out looking for boyfriend then I have a few tips to help you out. Tip # 1 DON’T DO IT. Alright, alright I kid.

Tip # 1 Less is more. This tip applies to skin, make up and facial hair. For skin, a little leg is good. But summer is no excuse for you to be walking around in your underpants, or a skirt so short your vajay-jay is waving hello to everyone. Not sexy. The same goes for cleavage, muffin tops and back fat. You see, a little mystery is key; you want to give these guys just enough of a glimpse to get them to fantasize about what you look like naked. If you give them enough skin for them to actually be able to picture what you look like naked, then the fantasy’s over and they’re on to the next girl.

For makeup, a bit of colour that accents your features is good. Enough colour to accent your career in the circus, is not good. How do you know when you’ve gone too far in the make up department? When you’re asking yourself the question “Have I gone too far?” You’re cue to stop is when you  ask yourself  “Should I put on more?” The answer is always “no”. Period.

For facial hair, a bit of peach fuzz can actually be cute-IF YOU’RE A CAT! So, are you a cat? No? Then take care of that ‘stash Sistah.

Tip # 2 The art of disinterest. Followed by a little interest, followed by continued disinterest. You are in luck my friend. Cats are MASTERS of disinterest. The trick is to act like everyone around you is boring and stupid. That reels them in. It’s a game to men. A chase. They want to win over your interest. But men have a short attention span so, after a little while you do have to feign some interest, to keep them in the game. Then just when they think they’re winning, you have to go back to disinterest. To let them know you’re not that easy.  Now, be warned, at any given social gathering you are going to have some stiff competition. There is always going to some girls there that are no good at disinterest. They will laugh at all the guy’s jokes and pretend to be in to sports and basically hang off every word these guys have to say. These girls are called sluts. Although in the long run these girls are harmless and only hurting themselves, in the short run, while you’re forced to compete with them for a guy’s attention, these girls are pests that need to be taken out at any cost. Try spilling red wine on their bargain-barn-too-much-skin-showing dress. That usually shuts them up.

            Tip # 3 Don’t assume he’s paying for everything on your date. But, at the same time, MAKE HIM PAY FOR EVERYTHING ON YOUR DATE. Do you see what I mean? The faking for your wallet thing is out. Guys aren’t falling for it anymore. You actually have to physically remove your wallet from your purse and open it to let him see you have money. You have to let him see you’ve got things going on for you. You have to let him see you are an independent woman who doesn’t need a man. Then when he says “No no, let me pay the bill,” You have to say, “Oh no, that’s alright.” Then he will say “I insist,” to which you will reply, “Ok.” And then put your wallet away. Never to be seen again for the duration of this relationship.

Tip # 4 If it’s date # 1, there’s no boom-boom fun. I mean it ladies, this rule is what separates us from them-and by them I mean those idiot girls with red wine spilled down the front of their dress. I’m not talking about one night stands, here. A one night stand is harmless when you’re never going to see the guy again. But when you’re actually thinking about turning this first date into a maybe relationship, sex is out. Now, I’m not one of those gals that have a magic number, as in “you need to go on a blank number of dates before he can see you naked. I understand, different girls have different numbers that work for them. But here’s a hint: that number HAS TO BE GREATER THAN ONE. No exceptions. Well, there is one exception, let’s call her C. C  brought a guy home for what she thought was going to be a one night stand and ended up with a smokin’ hot boyfriend who dotes on her and has his own car. This, ladies, is not the norm. It’s a fluke, actually C’s whole life is a fluke. She’s one of those girls it’s hard to be friends with. But I don’t hold it against her.

Tip # 5 Get a feline room mate-and forget about men. I am serious. We are so much less work than a boyfriend. We are clean, we are quiet, we don’t hog the remote and we don’t smell like whatever we had for dinner two nights ago.  True, we won’t chip in for rent (paying rent is so lower class) but you know something? I know many girls who live with their boyfriends, and those guys don’t chip in for rent either. They’re too broke after buying pizza, beer and games for their Xbox. So really, with a cat, what have you got to lose?

Meow Meow For Now,

Toque ♥